the demise of patience

A Theatrical Debut, By: Jen

Participants:
Father
Mother
Child 1
Child 2
Child 3
Child 4

Scene is at the kitchen table. It is breakfast time. Children 1, 2, 3 are sitting before bowls containing a new organic cereal that the mother bought at the new "health" food store down the street. When they were at the store and the representative was handing out samples, Children 1, 2 and 3 loved it. They couldn't get enough of it. They all cried for "MORE! MORE! MORE!!"

Mother was happy to be buying a new organic cereal that was healthy for her children. Mother was not so happy to be spending $3.00 on a box, when she could spend $6.00 on a box of Honey Nut Cheerios that contains eight times as much, at Costco.

But mother loves her children, so mother bought it.

Twelve hours later, Children 1, 2 and 3 take one taste of their new, expensive organic cereal and spit it out all over the table, while rubbing their hands across their tongues and yelling "ICKY!!" Suddenly, the cereal that they loved the day before, now tastes worse than dung, because Mother pried rabbit dung out of Child 1, 2 and 3's mouth less than two weeks prior.

Because Mother has taken a load off and is nursing Child 4, while Father is scheduling a doctor appointment, Mother sits helplessly while Child 1, 2 and 3 IGNORE their mother's please of "No, No, NO!!!" and dump their bowls of expensive organic cereal all over the table and floor.

They then take their Parmesan bagels that their Father had drizzled honey across - and rub them atop their heads.

Father returns. He rolls his eyes and says "What are we gonna do with these children??" Mother replies "I don't know what YOU are going to do, but I'm going to finish feeding Child 4 and then, I'm going to do a load of laundry."

Father grabs a towel and a mop and cleans up the expensive organic cereal from the table and floor. Father then asks Child 1, 2 and 3 if they would like a bowl of Honey Nut Cheerios. They all scream "YES!!!" until he pours the cereal in to three clean bowls, adds milk and sets it before them. Then, they all scream "NO CEWEAL!!" and simultaneously, flip the bowls of cereal over on to the clean table and floor.

Father grabs his head in his hands - tugs at his hair - and bites his tongue to stop from screaming. Mother sits in her rocker with Child 4 and gives a big sigh and then, a chuckle. Father asks Mother what the children should eat for breakfast since they haven't consumed anything. Mother tells Father that she wouldn't feed them anything more ... they are obviously not hungry and lost their chance.

Father disagrees and opens the refrigerator looking for the next batch of food to be wasted. He spies the squeezable expensive organic yogurt that was purchased at the health food store. He inquires aloud "I wonder if they'd like some yogurt?" and the children delightedly squeal "YOGUT! YOGUT!! Me want YOGUT!!"

Father removes the box containing two varieties of yogurt - strawberry in a pink wrapper; boysenberry in a purple. Child 2 demands "I WANT PINK ONE. I WANT PINK ONE!" Father opens yogurt and hands in to the child.

Child 1 demands "I WANT PINK ONE, TOO!" Father opens yogurt and hands it to the child, when the child changes their mind and screams "NOOOO PINK ONE. I WANT PUPLE ONE!!!" Father goes to hand the open pink yogurt to Child 3 when the child screams "NOOOO PINK ONE!! I WANT PUPLE ONE!!!!"

Father turns the pink yogurt on himself, eating the entire tube.

Father then reaches in to the box, removing a purple yogurt, opens it up and hands it to Child 3, who has again changed their mind and now declares, "NO PUPLE ONE. I WANT PINK ONE!!" Father hands the open purple yogurt to Child 1, who promptly squeezes the tube so hard, yogurt shoots out all over their hands, face and table. Child 1 then screams "OH NO!! MESS!!! I NEED TOWAL!!!"

Father breathes a deep sigh, hands Child 1 a wet towel and opens a packet of pink yogurt for Child 3, who has again, changed their mind. Father bellows "NO PURPLE YOGURT. ALL GONE. Here is PINK yogurt. YUMMY YUMMY PINK YOGURT!!!"

Tears spring from Child 3's eyes, drip on to the table, and screaming ensues.

Mother, sitting in her rocker gently suggests that perhaps the children aren't hungry and they should go outside to play. She makes this recommendation in a sing song voice because Mother never gets angry. She is wonderful and looks beautiful, all the time.

Mother finishes feeding Child 4, sits them in bouncy chair, and gets up to clean the kitchen.

Father wipes Child 1, 2 and 3's faces and hands and takes them out of their booster chairs. He goes to get their clothing for the day, but then decides, instead to put everyone in cotton underwear, since they'll be playing in the yard.

Father picks up Child 3, sets them on the changing table, removes their pajamas and diaper and begins applying sunscreen. When Father bends down to fetch a pair of cotton underwear from beneath the changing table, Child 3 gets a hold of the sunscreen container and dispenses sunscreen all over the table and Father's head.

Child 3 is reprimanded and placed on the floor, wearing cotton underwear.

Father runs after and finally grabs Child 2 when Mother trips blocks the Child from sprinting out the back door. Father lifts the Child on to the changing table and removes the pajamas and diaper and begins to apply sunscreen. Child 2 has a toy in their hand that accompanied them to the changing table, which they stick in their mouth and begin to gag on. Father removes the toy and makes an underarm, blind throw behind him, where it smacks Child 1 on the head.

Child 1 begins to scream.

Child 3 wet their cotton underwear and is standing above a puddle that they begin to stomp in.

Child 2 is crying because their toy is gone but then spots the sunscreen stick and flash-quick grabs it and smears it all over the wall.

Child 4 begins to stir from their slumber and starts rooting for their hand. Mother feels the tingly sensation that lets her know Child 4 needs to eat. Again.

Father removes Child 2 from the changing table, while Mother replaces the cotton underwear on Child 3. Father then grabs Child 1 and repeats the process of pajama and diaper removal, sunscreen application.

When Mother notices that Child 2 is not visible, she sets off looking and finds Child 2 in Father and Mother's bedroom with a magic marker, drawing all over the wall. When Mother grabs the magic marker and starts to move Child 2 out of the room, Child 2 says "NEED POTTY" a millisecond before springing a leak all over the floor.

Mother cleans up the puddle while wondering how Child 2 got the door open, replaces the underwear and with a big smile drags walks Child 2 back to join their siblings.

Father then herds Child 1, 2 and 3 outside while Mother makes the beds, starts a load of laundry and takes a moment to feed Child 4, while updating her blog.

Mother hears screaming coming from the back yard. For a moment, she hesitates, feeling guilty that Father is outside by himself in the blazing sun with Child 1, 2 and 3 who are fighting over the garden hose. But then, she remembers that Father is returning to work, full-time, in less than two weeks and Mother will be home, all by herself.

Father opens the door and informs her that Child 1, 2 and 3 have made a HUGE mud puddle in the back yard, have filled their wading pool up with dirt and are driving him crazy. Father tells Mother that he wants to come in side and let Child 1, 2 and 3 watch a movie. But alas, Father is reminded that Child 1, 2 and 3 have pushed so many buttons on his brand new entertainment system, that a picture is no longer visible on the television screen.

When Father says he still wants Child 1, 2 and 3 to come inside, Mother asks "WHY? So that they can drive us BOTH crazy??" Father gives an exasperated sigh and turns back to the yard.

Mother is annoyed by all the noise. She checks the thermostat and when she sees it is 80 degrees in the house, she turns on the air conditioning, closes all the doors and windows and sits down, gazing lovingly at Child 4 while eating a chocolate dipped biscotti and blocking out the muffled screams that suggest her presence is needed, elsewhere.

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Mother doesn't have pictures of the breakfast fiasco for this production - but includes pictures of the dinner fiasco, from last night. Also shown are pictures of Mother and Father's new wine glasses. They wonder if it wouldn't be more effective to put a straw directly in to the bottle....