Tuesday, October 18, 2016

my grandfather dropped out of school and was supporting his family when he was 12

Yesterday, I had to fly to Chicago for a meeting.

When I booked my trip, I knew that it would be a long day.  Because I like to be home in the evening, instead of flying up on Sunday night, and back on Monday after my meeting, I figured I could do the entire trip in one day.  And so it is, I booked a flight that departed from Houston at 5:10 AM, and returned that evening at 10:14 PM.  The way I figured, it wouldn't be too terrible, because I could always sleep on the plane.

My alarm was set yesterday morning for 3:00 AM. But at 2:15 AM, one hour before I was supposed to walk out the door - Charlie flew out of bed and ran to the bathroom.  It turns out, my husband had contracted a vicious stomach virus that had hit Henry last week at 2:00 AM, while Charlie was out of town on a business trip.

This virus - I believe (hope?), is the same virus that wiped out Elizabeth, and me, and my mom, and my Aunt Grace, and Carolyn, and William … this past June - less than a week before Charlie and William were slated to go camping with the Boy Scouts in Colorado.

My mind boggles over this, because it was nearly four months ago. But since Charlie and Henry were the only two who were unscathed when it swept through our house over Father's Day weekend - and now those two are the only ones who have come down with it, I desperately want to believe that it's the same virus and the rest of us have immunity.

So yesterday - I'm supposed to be leaving the house at 3:15 in order to make my flight.  But Charlie is curled in a ball on the shower floor.  The kids are in bed asleep, but have to be up and out for school in four hours and …. ACK!

What does one do?? 

I'm not sure I was fully conscious in making the decision what to do in that moment - because as I brought Charlie a cold face cloth, packed four lunches, wrote notes for the kids pleading them to HELP THEIR FATHER, set alarms so they'd wake up on time for school, and laid out various items they'd need for the day, it felt like I was in a dream.


Then I was backing out of the driveway, saying aloud, "Am I really leaving Charlie like this?"  Soon I was pulling in to the airport and parking, and asking myself, "Am I really flying out of state?"  As I locked the car, walked through security, and got to my gate as the plane was boarding, I felt this overwhelming urge to turn around and run home, but yet my legs kept moving in the direction of the plane.

As I landed in Chicago at 7:30 AM, and called home - the fog was lifting and I was stunned that I'd actually left.  Carolyn answered the phone, but had to run out the door to the school bus.  She quickly told me that there were three lunch boxes on the table, even though she was the only child still at home because her siblings had forgotten to grab theirs.  She'd take care of it though - and would bring everyone's lunches to the bus stop.

She then handed the phone to Charlie and he sounded awful.  His exact words were, "I'm dying. So sick. No talk."  Click.


In sickness and in health?! I'd totally abandoned my desperately ill husband!  And like Henry, who had been sick the week before - and all of us, who had been sick over the summer - poor Charlie would retch every 20-40 minutes for the next eight hours.  

While my time in Chicago was very productive... and people who I cautioned needed to lather themselves with Purell after shaking my hand were very grateful that I'd made the trip despite my circumstances at home... I thought about my ailing husband all day.

My flight landed last night just past 10:00 PM.  By the time I deplaned, retrieved my car, and drove home - it was 11:00 PM.   I walked in to the house, buzzing from the remaining adrenalin of a long day, and was met with a scene that looked like a BOMB had gone off.

The children had made dinner, and left everything all over the counter, including food that should have been refrigerated.  Dishes from breakfast [with food still on them] were in the sink, dishes from afternoon snacks [with food still on them] were on the counter.  Dishes from dinner [with food still on them] were still on the table. Their unpacked lunch boxes were still in their backpacks, as was uncompleted homework.  Glasses of half-drunk milk dotted the countertops.  Shoes, clothes, toys, were strewn all over the house.  There were empty and partially empty yogurt containers on random surfaces from the kitchen, down the hallway, in to the front living room.  Boxes of birthday presents that they'd received yesterday, were ripped open and items were tossed about.

It was like a herd of wild animals had ravaged our house. 

Charlie was in bed, sound asleep, wearing whatever he'd been able to pull on that day.  Charlie had every excuse in the world.  God bless the man that he'd managed to get dressed at all.  Our children, however, did not have every excuse in the world … nary a one.   It was extremely evident that they seized the opportunity while a parent was down for the count, to do whatever they wanted - including nothing at all that resembled any responsibility.  I've been coming down more and more on the children with how important it is that they take responsibility; they must pitch in and help. 

Clean up after themselves … turn off lights, take out the trash, wipe down the counters in their bathrooms, take inventory of when they run out of: shampoo, toilet paper, toothpaste, clean underwear.  Do a load of laundry. Fold a load of laundry. Load and unload the dishwasher.  Sweep up a pile of dirt.  Put away their toys. As I've told them countless times, they need to help us keep the boat afloat without our constant asking.

Good Lord.  At what point do they just get it?

It is critical that kids learn life skills, including how to take care of themselves and their living space.  This is what I call the Fundamentals of Growing Up and it is our responsibility as parents to teach them.  It is NOT easy work, I think in many ways it would be easier to just shoo the kids off and do it yourself, or hire a maid to come in and do it perfectly.   But if we do that - how are they supposed to learn?   When done a little bit each day, the art of keeping up a home, is not overwhelming and are life skills every one needs to possess and yet very few young people do actually seem to possess.

I've lost count of how many ill-equipped teenagers we've hired over the years to come watch the children, and you'd think they've never seen a dishwasher before. After an evening out, there are few things more frustrating than coming home to dirty dishes piled up on the counter, empty pizza boxes, and a teenager sitting with their nose in a cell phone.

Be responsible and clean-up after yourself! 

That is my war cry and I'm starting to go hoarse. 

While our kids have the propensity to help - they often don't.  Or, it will take a considerable amount of urging on my behalf.  Urging in the form of, "IF YOU DON'T PICK YOUR LAUNDRY UP I WILL DONATE IT TO CHARITY AND YOU WILL WEAR WHATEVER IS LEFT IN YOUR DRAWER:  EVEN IF IT'S JUST UNDERWEAR AND PINK POM POM SOCKS TO SCHOOL." 

Charlie and I both agree that if our children were frontier children, they would be beaten.

Or dead. 

The kids are now 12, surely they can help out at home.  Consider: my mother's father dropped out of school when he was 12-years old and went to work to support his family after his father died. The year was 1892, but the point is: 12-year olds are a lot more capable than we give them credit for in this year of 2016.

I thought about having the kids do it this morning, but couldn't stand the thought of going to sleep with that mess in the kitchen. So after I spent almost two hours cleaning up last night - I climbed in to bed at 1:15 AM … 23 hours after I climbed out of bed yesterday morning.  This morning, the kids came downstairs all smiles.  Until I told them how disappointed I was with the absolute disaster that they'd left yesterday.  Knowing that their father was unable to move, instead of doing something to HELP make the situation better - they made it WORSE.  Did they not notice how I had made them lunch, and tried to get everything ready for them?


As I've told them before, we don't have a maid and we won't have a maid.  Not because it costs a lot of money, but because when they grow up and they move out, they likely won't have a maid so they really need to know what it takes to care for themselves. (And their parents and each other, should we ever be in a situation when we're flat on our backs with a vicious stomach virus.)

The character traits of ownership and responsibility are two of the most important that they will ever learn.  And if they chose not to have ownership and responsibility, there will be consequences. Which may include flunking grades in school - because I'm not going to continually harass them to do their homework. Or maybe it will be the consequence of a wardrobe that consists only of underwear and pink pom-pom socks if they chose not to help with their own laundry.

Tomorrow, I'll teach them how to use the stove, and expect they'll make dinner.  But first, they may need to ride their bikes to the grocery store to pick up the ingredients.

I love them to the moon and back ... but that's where I am.   As my mother says, "I carried you for nine months, it's time you start learning to carry yourself."


Friday, October 14, 2016

... and then they were 12

They're rocking out this morning to the Beatles "Birthday" song.

Not very many people can truthfully sing with their siblings, "You say it's your birthday?  It's my birthday, too! And mine, too!" 


What a gift these three have been to me, to us ... a dozen years of awesome.

(Charlie would like for me to add:  Not every single minute has been awesome - but the vast majority sure has been!)

Sunday, September 25, 2016

Summer Vacay - Stop 3 - Part 1 No. Cal (the hosts with the mosts)

After an abbreviated visit to San Francisco, we continued our drive north to wine country, and arrived at Charlie's brother, Steve's (and his wife, Kathy's) home late Friday afternoon. These are the sights that met us...



Kathy is of Italian descent, and is the most amazing keeper of all things in and out of doors, including gardening, cooking, sewing and entertaining.


This is one portion of Kathy's basil garden which is larger and healthier than all of the gardens I've ever had in my entire life.


And these are the vineyards in their backyard...


I think if we lived here, our visits to the grocery store would be significantly truncated.


We were joined for dinner by Steve and Kathy's son, Andy.  Cousin Andy was a huge hit with the kids because he let them play on his iPhone and taught them all about Pokemon-Go.   Note: Henry's headband and wristbands were made by Aunt Kathy as one of many "Welcome!" gifts which stayed on him all weekend.


These KA-POW! BAM! bands gave him all kind of super-super powers, including the ability to jump really high and run very fast, and not get wet when he blazed through sprinklers.


When he let me borrow them for a couple minutes, I was amazed at how I, too, was suddenly graced with super speed and agility.  Bob and Weave! Duck and Run!  Not even Ricardo could catch me! 


Soon, the fog rolled in and as the sun set, the heat of the day faded to a perfectly cool evening. Made all the more perfect by a bonfire and 'smores.  


Because Aunt Kathy and Uncle Steve know how to do things right.

Sunday, September 11, 2016

rules for doing good

This past week, our sixth graders have been learning about the attacks on September 11.  Several conversations over the past few days have led to them trying to understand why it happened and how our country, and world, has changed as a result.   They still don't fully understand, because it's nearly impossible at 11-years old to get your mind around such evil and hatred.

It's been very difficult for them to comprehend the impact and sadness of that day - so this morning, we read this post that I wrote 10-years ago about one victim in particular which brought all of us to tears. Our thoughts today are with Perry Thompson's family - and all the loved ones of the 2,996 lives that were senselessly lost on that beautiful blue-sky day.

Our thoughts are also with the millions of people, around the world, whose lives have been displaced and are threatened each and every day by violence and fighting.

They are learning that the only way to defeat the bad, is with good.  So we also read these "Rules for Doing Good" by John Wesley, which were sent to me several years ago by my friend, Ronnie, and which hang above my desk:

Do all the good you can, 
In all the ways you can, 
To all the People you can, 
In every place you can, 
At all the times you can, 
As long as every you can. 


In other words: Be the light of kindness and love; and ignite the world with it.

Monday, September 05, 2016

Summer Vacay - Stop 2 - Part 2, Central Coast (the migration north)

The "plan" was that we would leave from our friends home early Thursday morning and drive north to the Monterey Bay Aquarium - arriving when the doors opened.  But our success of actually departing anywhere before noon is extremely low, particularly once we engage in a deep conversation about the anthropological evidence regarding Jesus and his very dark-skinned complexion.  What ramifications would it have on the world if it was proven that Jesus was black? Would or should it have any? And why?

Then we had another cup of tea and by the time we departed it was 12:15.


We took the beautiful Highway 1 up the coast, passing Heart Castle in San Simeon and the elephant seals of Piedras Blancas.


We're fascinated by animals of the ocean, especially marine mammals.  The lives that these particular animals live - the migratory routes that they take, the way they return to the exact same location each year, the 80% of their lives that they spend in water, the nearly 2,000 feet dives that they take, and the hazards - the sharks and whales. And we think we've got things tough.

Here were two young males, wrestling on shore.


Boys will be boys.


Who I imagine to be the mother elephant seal was on the beach barking at them, so they took their sparring match in to the water.


We also enjoyed watching the younger seals.  Like this one who by moving only her flipper and with eyes closed, was able to cover herself with warm sand.


This would be me if I was a seal.

If any one can bring back a tuna sandwich, that'd be great. 


We walked along the boardwalk, taking lots of pictures, contemplating the harsh lives of these animals, and feeling depleted by the ocean wind.


Who wants to jump in the ocean and swim from here to Alaska?

Anyone?  Anyone? 


Hopping back in to the warm cozy car, we continued our drive north.


We passed regions where helicopters were flying down to scoop up water to fight the fires raging to the east of us.


And we offered up prayers for the safety of the brave men and women who were risking their lives to put the terrible fires out that have been ravaging a severe drought stricken California for years.


Our destination Thursday evening was Charlie's sister, Susan, and her husband, Jeff's house - just south of San Francisco.  But there were several stops on our way there - to the children, it seemed that we were stopping every 20 minutes.


How could we help it?

Look at this view! 


And this road!  

Can you imagine the engineering, planning, and construction involved?!


We rolled in to the south bay of San Francisco at the same time as the fog.  None of the pictures that we took can quite capture the way that it billows up and over the hills like a blanket.


After a wonderful dinner and rest at Sue and Jeff's on Thursday night ... we continued our way north on Friday, through San Francisco.


We'd had plans to visit Alcatraz, but the reservations needed to be made months in advance. What is with all of this advance planning that is required these days?  And how can someone who thrives on spontaneity survive in this world?!

Instead of Alcatraz, we walked across the Golden Gate bridge and talked about Mark Twain and how "the coldest winter he ever spent, was a summer in San Francisco."


Once back in our car, we drove to Sausalito and walked / jumped along the bay.


We then stopped for lunch: chowder in a sour dough bowl because ... San Francisco.


It was a very good day.


Made all the better by children who thoroughly enjoyed being together.

Tuesday, August 30, 2016

Summer Vacay - Stop 2 - Part 1, Central Coast (friends edition)

Our plan was to leave San Diego by no later than 10:00 AM on Tuesday.  Our reality was pulling out of town at almost 2:00 PM, which put us in Los Angeles at exactly 5:00 PM.  What with rush-hour, this was not exactly awesome timing, although it was fun for a while we tried to figure out if there were any celebrities stuck next to us in gridlock on the 101.  Before we were able to really see his profile, we thought for a while that this was Richard Simmons in the bright blue corvette.


(It wasn't.)

My one regret on this entire trip is that we didn't arrive in Santa Barbara a little earlier so we could have showed the children the house where Charlie grew up... and visited the beautiful cemetery where Charlie's mom is laid to rest.  Due to our extraordinarily late departure from San Diego, by the time we arrived in SB, the sun was setting and we had a very important dinner date with our beautiful niece, Angela.


Angela is Charlie brother's, Steve, and his wife, Kathy's - daughter and she is smart and beautiful and kind, and a true connoisseur of beer.  We had dinner at a brewery and it was great fun - particularly for Charlie and Angela who got to enjoy a pint. Or two.  I, however, was the designated driver since we were slated to be in Morro Bay that evening to visit my soul sister, Vivian, and her family.

We pulled out of Santa Barbara at around 9:00 PM and the kids were asleep by 9:01.  To ward off the grogginess,  Charlie took on the role of DJ and for the next 2.5 hours blasted me with "NAME THAT TUNE" from Pandora's Easy Listening station.

It shocked me how well I did.  Usually by the first few notes, I'd nail the song - and the artist - and then start belting out the words to entire verses I didn't even knew that I knew.
I long to see the sunlight in your hair, and tell you time and time again - how much I care. Sometimes I feel my heart will overflow! Hello! I've just GOT to let you know!
Lionel Richie who I haven't heard in what, 30 years?

How and why those lyrics are in the recesses of my brain I'll never know but I certainly appreciated that spectacular drive with my husband / co-pilot / DJ.   Forever seared in to my memory will be Charlie's smiling face in the darkness, lit up by his phone saying, "Oh, here's a good one ... you'll never get this."  And I'd immediately pelt out, "BARBRA STREISAND AND NEIL DIAMOND!  YOU DON'T BRING ME FLOWERS ... ANYMORE!"

So Much Fun!

Our visit to Morro Bay was specifically so we could see our dear friends from Virginia.  We have known Zach and Vivian since their daughter was in our children's Kindergarten class, and Daisy Troop.  In this picture, I'm the one that is wearing five layers of clothes while my children are in bathings suits.  Don't let them fool you ... it gets very chilly on the central coast. Particularly if you're over the age of 12.


During our time in Virginia, Vivian and I became very close friends; just as our daughters did and it was such an amazing gift to see them this summer.


While spending two nights with our friends, we were able to catch up on all of the Virginia happenings over the past year.  We also caught up on our laundry.


And Bingo.


We visited Morro Rock to watch the otters play in the kelp, and our children go swimming in the frigid waters while we stayed on land with teeth chattering, trying to ward off the crazy squirrels.


Mostly, we just connected over cups of hot tea.


One of the things that I really appreciate about Vivian is that she is a PhD Psychologist who has had her own practice for years, and after many a talk when I'd confess the latest life saga and express my concern that I had some undiagnosed psychosis, she'd confidently reassure me and say, "Trust me, I'm a professional and I can tell you that you are delightfully and perfectly NORMAL."  Apparently ... a LOT of people who are also perfectly normal, want to sell off everything they own and buy an apple orchard. Or sheep farm. Or sailboat and cruise around the world, home ... er, boat schooling their children.   (I'd like to know how many actually do it??)


Anyway ... since Henry and their youngest daughter are informally betrothed, we're hopeful that an arranged marriage between our children will help keep our families close .

Monday, August 29, 2016

Summer 2016 Vacay - Stop 1, Part 3 (the salty dogs)

After a full day at Sea World on Friday, and an equally full day at Legoland on Saturday - on Sunday, once there was more availability in local hotels - we packed up from our tiny motel in northern San Diego County, and headed to a bay-front resort in the heart of San Diego.

My friend, Michelle, and her family had a little beach-front bungalow within walking distance, so we migrated between the two locations.






We all went paddle boarding, which we'd never done before - and had a great time.





There were so many people we would have loved to have seen like our old neighbors, but we were only there for a few days, and were really opposed to driving all over town - especially when we had digs right on the beach.  Some of our old triplet friends joined us and it was so awesome seeing them and catching up with kids who we've known since ... in utero!  I'm not sure why I managed to get a picture of us closing up our children in the sofa bed, but didn't get a good picture of everyone together, but many thanks to Jeanmarie, Kenny, Tommy and Jamie for spending TWO days with us!


We left San Diego on Tuesday morning after we had breakfast with our dear friend, Virginia.  My mother met Virginia in 1998 during one of her stints at the Optimum Health Institute.   I forget exactly how they met, but I think it was at a senior action event in Balboa Park.  My first memory of Virginia was going to a dancing class with she and my mom - and from that point on, Virginia has been a fixture in our lives.


Virginia has been a surrogate grandmother to the children, who came to the hospital when the triplets were born and spent a lot of time holding them in the NICU.  When Henry was born, she was with us - and has doted over every first as if these children were her own.  And when one of Charlie's co-workers was married and we attended the wedding, Virginia came over the first time we ever left the children with a non-family babysitter, in order to be our "Live Nanny Cam."

Suffice it to say, Virginia adores us, and we adore her. And there was no way we could leave San Diego without seeing her ... even if it meant that some of the children wore their pajama tops because we'd been on the road for six days, and had only packed four days worth of clothes.   It turns out, fancy hotels don't have laundry facilities and we were opposed to spending $6.00 to wash a single t-shirt.


Virginia was so happy to see us, she didn't even mind.