waffling and wavering

Twelve hours ago, Charlie and I were settled that we would move to Virginia this summer.



But tonight, my mind runs wildly in all different directions.



As I was tucking William in to bed he whispered, "When I grow up, Mommy, I want to be a zoo keeper. Or maybe a scientist. Wait. Whaddya call those guys that collect bones?"

A paleontologist?

"Yeah, maybe when I grow up I'll be a padeotolodist." Then he looked around wistfully and said, "I'm growing up so fast Mommy. I'll be a pade ... padeo... whaddya call it again?"

Paleontologist?

"Yeah. I'll be a padeotologist in no time!"

There was a pang of sadness in my heart to hear him say that. Because I know that he is growing up fast and my days with our children living at home are surely numbered. Oh sure, they're still young and we've got plenty of time.

But there's no arguing that you blink and 10 years goes by...

I don't want to miss it.

********

My current job has me working out of the house. Most days, I sit and have breakfast and lunch with the children. Whenever Henry wakes up from a nap, he'll come curl up on my lap, with his little hand struggling to reach under my shirt. Although he's been weaned for almost four months, he still draws such comfort from having his hand simply touching my skin. I draw comfort from it, too. So he'll sit there on my lap quietly, for twenty minutes or more, while I update spreadsheets and check e-mail and nuzzle his hair and kiss his soft baby cheeks.

There are plenty of days I'm driving to meetings three or more hours away from our house, or spending time in the field, watching massive drill rigs put in groundwater monitoring wells. And at least once a quarter, I'm pulled away to a multi-day business meeting that the family may, or may not be able to attend with me. But on those days that I work from home, it frequently happens that my routine is interrupted by children who require hugs and my attention because, "MOM! LOOK AT ME! LOOK WHAT I CAN DO ... DRAW ... SAY ... SING!"

As a working mother, with small children at home, I truly couldn't ask for anything more.



I am lucky.

So lucky.

To have the luxury to be here, at home with them while they are young, and yet earn a living to support our family.

If I were to accept this new position, my job would be working in an office five days a week. Although I could be wrong, I don't expect that I'd have nearly the same amount of flexibility as I do now. If I were to accept this new position, our family would be in a new environment. Which I'm sure would be refreshing and fun. We would have the opportunity to experience seasons, and we'd be an equal distance, one day drive, to my mother in South Carolina and my father in Massachusetts.

Considering the cost to transport our entire family of six from one side of the country to the other is comparable to a seven year supply of milk, it's not like we can just pop in for every holiday and special occasion.



If I were to accept this position, my career would be relatively stable. If I don't accept this position, the chances are excellent that I'll be out of work in the next two years. If we move, whether or not Charlie will be able to continue with his venture, that is based primarily in California, is questionable. And if we don't move, whether or not Charlie will be capable of supporting our family with his venture by then is questionable. And I'm not confident enough to let my current employment (and benefits) fade away to take that giant leap of faith.

Although. Now that I've got Blogher Ads and Healthcare Reform has passed...

Eh. Never mind.

If we opt to stay in California, two years from now, the future is very uncertain. Whether or not we would have the ability to work from the home, as we do now, is questionable. If we opt to move, we would probably rent our house so we could always come back if things didn't work out. If we opt to move, we would probably buy a house because we'd rather have the tax shelter and build equity. Of course if we don't sell our home in California, we won't have very much to put down on a new home. And what we could comfortably afford in a Virginia real estate market which is eerily similar to the overpriced California market, very much resembles a small shoe box in a dense forest covered with snow.

If we move, we'll be closer to my family. But we'll be leaving a city, neighborhood and friends that we positively adore. We'll be leaving temperate weather and year round outdoor swimming. We'll be leaving a school that is within walking distance that our children were just recently enrolled in and due to start this July. We'll be leaving our small house, which I'm currently very much in love with because it is very affordable and very easy to clean and I know where the kids are at all times.

If we move, we'll be gone by the middle of the summer and instead of participating in San Diego's 3-Day breast cancer walk in November, I'll be participating in Washington DC's 3-Day breast cancer walk in October. And all of my cousins that are reading this blog (I know who you are) must be there.



I need to tell my boss by the end of this week what my decision is. At this moment, I have no idea what to say nor does my husband. And because I rely on the opinion of others far more than I should, I put a poll at the top left.



Please tell me what you'd do.