what's in you wednesday

Stress is some powerful stuff.

My sophomore year in college, I broke up with a guy I had known and been dating since the ninth grade. In high school. We always lived a few hours away from each other, but the second half of my freshman year, he transferred from his big university in North Carolina to be closer to me, at my small university in South Carolina. Less than six months later we split up.

Although I felt that the time was right to move in our own separate ways, the stress resulting from that one decision, when I would see him in the cafeteria - or on my way to class - or at social functions, was crippling. He had been such a huge influence in my life, through what I consider some of my most formative years and I was in a baaad state.

During that time, my appetite dwindled to the point that the only thing I could really tolerate were Club Crackers. Whenever I'd go in to the cafeteria, he was there, so I'd grab a handful of two-per-pack crackers and retreat to my dorm. I don't remember how much weight I lost during that diet by heartbreak period, but I do recall that a size 2 pants were too big.

I also remember that I broke out in a rash, which no one could diagnosis for several weeks. It started out on my abdomen and worked it's way all over my 'trunk'. The doctors first thought I had ringworm or possibly scabies, which meant sharing clothes with my highly fashionable roommate was completely off limits. That turned out to be almost painful for me to bear than breaking up with my boyfriend of six years.

Eventually, my skin condition was diagnosed as pityriasis rosea. Which is noncontagious. And which happily, meant cute tops, sweaters, jeans and skirts could again be shared.

The rest of that year, I intentionally sustained from dating any one. Instead, I built a lot of wonderful friendships with girlfriends, took spur of the moment road trips, stayed out late and ate hashbrowns and waffles until 3:00 AM. I also buried myself in to schoolwork so by the time I transferred to California the following year, I had a 4.0 and was totally renewed.

And ... that's when I met Charlie.

To this day, that sophomore year in college marks one of the most stressful years of my entire life. And there is no doubt, stress has some funny ways of manifesting itself. It can cause you to break out in a rash, develop hives or an ulcer, make you sleep a little - make you sleep a lot, make your appetite soar or totally crumble.

What with returning to work full time, my husband being laid off, having multiple job opportunities presented to me, debating school for our children - moving - career changes - weaning - losing precious friends and family to cancer - concerns about my extended family - topped off with month after month (after month!) of illness - this past year has definitely ranked up there on the stress o'meter.

Unlike 1990, however, this year I'd be lucky to fit one of my arms in a size 2 pant.

In contrast to my sophomore year in college, to combat what seems to be unending stress this time around, I've been snacking on comfort foods. High carbs. High fat. High yummy. Come here you hot toasted bagel smothered with cream cheese and you too, you squishy blueberry muffin!

Get in my belly!!

Perhaps it's the weaning coupled with the lack of training for a marathon, but this past weekend I hopped on the scale for the first time in months and was stunned to see that I was about 18 pounds heavier than I was last year at around this same time. Because I'm not quite so open that I'll admit my exact weight, I will divulge that last year there was a "4" in the grand tally and now there is a "6".

I can't believe I admitted that.

Next thing you know, I'll be telling you my age.

(39, a week from yesterday.)

This is bothersome, because it's not like I'm eating EVERYTHING in sight and it's not like I'm doing ZERO exercise. I'm just not exercising the way that I was when I wasn't working full time and most days, I spent chasing children all over creation and eating whatever small scraps they had remaining on their plates.

Alas, these days, whenever I feel stress, I reach for the baked goods and my stretch pants and pull up a chair to my work computer. As a result, I'm blowing up like a balloon while my husband is winning FIRST PLACE in triathlon relays. Talk about throwing salt in my full time working wound. Not only do I have to spend my days away from my children, now I'm getting F-A-T.

SPLENDID!

Although I have considered throwing in the towel on these "What's In You" posts, I want to keep writing them because I really think that the struggles that I'm facing with balancing motherhood - career - family - and maintaining personal health is something that a lot of people can relate to. (At least that's what the comments and e-mails I receive suggest.) And while I might not be an absolute beacon of physical health at this very moment, I don't want to stop thinking about it.

When I stop and think about it, and put those thoughts on paper, I try to do better.

I make time for walks or (VERY short) runs that I otherwise wouldn't make time for. I'll also take 15 minutes in the morning, or just before bed (or sometimes both!), to stretch, do some yoga, maybe throw in a few sit-ups.

These are small things, but they're better than nothing.

By writing these posts, I also think a bit more about what I'm feeding myself. For instance, when I wrote about Jack LaLanne last week, I have really strived THIS week to reduce the amount of food that I'm eating that has been "Made By Man." I've consumed a lot of fresh fruit, vegetables and protein, and have significantly reduced flour. When my sister, Eileen, was in town last week, she introduced us to Ezekiel bread which has been a delicious and much healthier substitute.

I'm writing this post from a train northbound to Los Angeles.

The last time I traveled to LA for a meeting, it took me four hours, one way. This train, which departed at 6:10 AM, will get me there in less than three hours, I'll be two blocks from the office where my meeting will be held, and I won't have to deal with parking. As I'm writing this, I'm flying past bumper to bumper traffic on Interstate 5 and it's very difficult to not feel GIDDY.

However, to get on this train, I had to leave the house at 5:00, which meant I had to be up at 4:30, 4:35, 4:40, 4:45 4:50 AM, which is very early by my standards and meant I was in an exceptionally groggy state.

A few blocks from the train depot, I was stopped at a red light. As I was sitting at the light, I noticed that across the intersection, the crossing gate was dropping down to signal the approach of a train, heading FAST in my direction. A few feet in front of my car I could see that there were railroad tracks, but I couldn't see the crossing gate on my side of the road. That's when I saw it in my rear view mirror and realized it was BEHIND my vehicle.

To say that the stress that washed over my body, in that very moment, was unparalleled to moving or career change or full time work schedules, is a gross understatement. For a very long split second, my husband and children's bright faces, that I might never see again, flashed before my panicked eyes.

VERY lucky for me, the train was crossing on the opposite side of the tracks and I survived. (Obviously). But once the nausea passed and my heart started beating again, I had an inexplicable craving for a donut.

Instead, I had an apple.

And that's tremendous progress.