It seems that when you're out running and you have nothing to do but run and
What am I doing with my life?
What do I hope to accomplish in my lifetime?
What kind of example do I want to set for our children?
How much torture can my legs withstand and will I ever make it up that final hill home?
In addition to these thoughts, I'm watching our children grow up a little more everyday. And I'm hearing stories about my dad's failing health. And we're trying to figure out what we are going to do with our careers and whether or not we will relocate. Once I am due to return to work full-time in May, what will Charlie do? Will I become the primary breadwinner - or will I resign from my career and ... ?
It's such a huge decision that seems to be hovering over us.
And the closer I get to hearing about people, especially children, that have been impacted by cancer, the more my eyes are open to just how vulnerable - and fragile - we are.
Every day, I consider my health, my children's health, my husband's health. At this very moment, our arms and legs can move without pain. We can stand up and sit down and walk without assistance and are capable of eating just about any type of food and properly digesting it. We can breathe without medication or inhalers. We can hear and see, taste, touch and smell.
There are no physical issues that are weighing heavily on my mind.
Up until recently, I went through each day thinking about what I had to accomplish in order for that day to be considered "successful". Now, I go through each day reveling in the fact that we are healthy. If there is more laughter than crying, and if we are able to get outside and see nature, then I consider our day to be an overwhelming success.
The comment that I received yesterday didn't upset me in the least. In fact, it seemed as though some one put in to words the exact feelings that I've been having, myself.
What is the real reason that we are doing what we are doing?
At the risk of sounding totally sappy, I feel like the time any of us have here is extremely limited. No one knows what the future holds. I feel like it would be very easy for me to turn the other way and live my life in a bubble and pretend that my responsibilities end at the front door. I could very easily live my life in a bubble and hope that nothing bad ever happens to me or one of my children. But when I read posts like this one, I am painfully reminded that sometimes bad things do happen to very good people.
To innocent little people that had their whole lives to live.
The expectation that I have for myself is that I will do more. But this is where it gets a little tricky. Because to do more, I have to really put myself out there. And although this might come as an overwhelming shock to everyone, I really don't like being in the spotlight. I'd rather not advertise. I'd rather not speak to groups. I'd rather not ever be on television or in the newspaper. I'm one of those people that deteriorate in to a puddle of sweat under pressure.
Think of Broadcast News.
Infact, I feel extremely self conscious sending out random e-mails asking for various bloggers to help plug the work we are doing for cancer research because I feel like I am trying to promote me when, I'm actually trying to promote our fundraising. Not this blog or it's author.
There's a huge difference.
But I also recognize the power of the internet. Whenever I consider that the majority of the money that we have raised in the past month has come from extremely generous readers of this blog, I am humbled ... and amazed. If this blog can potentially help serve as a platform to draw attention to an important cause - is it wrong to use it that way?
Over the past 24 hours, I've been thinking about what is important to me and what are the big rocks in my jar of life. I'm sure if I spent some more time on this, I would include additional rocks, vary the dimensions, and see if I could make the "laundry" pebble any smaller.
But what I've decided is that one of the most important things in my life, an underlying theme to everything, is the desire to Do Good. And I think it's important to add, I'm not trying to "Do Good" to look good in anyone's eyes, other than my own. I want to be someone that my husband and children are proud of.
I want to be someone that I am proud of.
Yet in order to Do Good, I might have to put myself out there a lot more than I feel comfortable with. And what I've learned this past month is that there might be rejection. There might be a lot of phone calls and e-mails that are not returned. There might be a lot of phone calls and e-mails that straight out tell me no. High expectations that I place upon myself for success might be dashed at times. And sometimes, I might feel totally defeated.
But in order to Do Good, I've got to keep going in all the ways that I can, in every place that I can, at all the times that I can, for as long as I ever can.
And when the road that I am on feels a little too rocky (or should I say - when it feels like I'm on a rocky road) ... I have found that it helps tremendously to eat a bowl.
Thank you to everyone who wrote me an e-mail or left me a comment on my post, yesterday. If it takes me a while to write you back, please know I'm really so thankful for all of you.