Sunday, March 15, 2009

better than my dreams

We're coming up on the five year anniversary of our third in-vitro attempt.

That third in-vitro attempt that yielded our rapid immersion in to parenthood via triplets.

I can't help but wonder if I'll always become so nostalgic around this time of year? I certainly hope that I do. I hope that the sheer awesomeness of our blessings never fades away.

Last night, I found myself standing in the children's bedroom, several hours after they had gone to sleep. I was gazing at their peaceful little bodies in a deep and restful slumber. I listened to their breathing and was swept away in just how strikingly beautiful they are.

I glanced over at the one closet that holds clothes for all four of the kids and the sight of tiny shirts, pants and dresses caught my eye.

There are so many times I look at these clothes in haste.

Taking things out - putting things away - moving things in to storage - moving things in to the donation pile. Often, pulling my hair out because the children will change their clothes twelve times a day and it seems I'm forever hanging things up or pulling clean items out of the hamper that the children wore for five minutes, and then flipped in to the dirty pile.

For several minutes, I caressed their small clothes. I marveled at the little sleeves on button-down shirts. The tiny little pant legs. The cardigan sweaters. I looked at Henry's outfits that are still small enough that they could fit on a doll. Too soon, he will outgrow these baby clothes. The adorable overalls and onesies will be replaced with t-shirts that have dinosaurs gracing the front and pants that will rapidly develop holes in the knees.

These children are growing so fast.

But to think... five years ago, none of them were here.

That was a very dark place in my life. That time when I wanted nothing more than to have children, and yet didn't. That time in my life when it seemed everyone around me was pregnant and having baby after baby after baby.

That time in my life when I didn't know if I ever could or ever would become a mom. I can remember that time so clearly. In an instant, I can transport my mind back to our existence before children and I can feel the aching void.

To see my life now...

To see these children...

To know that they are happy and healthy.

And oh, so loved.

This, all of it, is so much better than I ever dreamed possible.

Almost five years have passed.

But every day, I don't know how it is that I got so lucky.


  1. Because not only are they Amazing Trips (and Henry!) you are an Amazing Woman! You deserve them and they deserve you. This is such a great post. Congratulations on this happy anniversary!

  2. That was truly lovely. So many moms spend all their time screaming at their kids. When I had the opportunity to be with kids and serve them, I savored every *SECOND* of it! I still have my little momentos, tooh. An old sock, an old toothbrush, an old pair of pants, a winter coat totally outgrown and worn out... these things I treasure every day. :)

    Savor every second, save momentos. They will not be little forever... (unfortunately)

    ~Cindy! :)

  3. Good things happen to good people...

  4. I know exactly how you feel...
    Happy anniversary! Thank God for modern medicine. I also wouldn't have my miracle twins without it.

  5. My Henry was born exactly one year after your triplets. His birthday is also October 14. But, my IVF anniversary is January 26. The fact that you're just now at your IVF anniversary made me realize how early your babies were born. Wow. Look how far they've come!

    p.s. I also stand and stare at my miracle long after he's gone to sleep. Simply amazing!

  6. This is such a wonderful post.

    I've been in a rough patch with my kids lately, but it is so nice to be reminded of the moments that make life so precious and how much everything about them makes life as wonderful as it is.

    Congratulations all over again on your wonderful babies. :)

    (I'm having number four in August. Catching up to you, one at a time. They say it's a girl. I think that scares me more than if they told me it was triplets. he, he, he.)

  7. Awe! This is so great! I too remember way back when and so happy for you now!

    Just an idea but I have kept a few of my boys clothes for my kids in plastic boxes. The really cute ones that are sentimental. My hope is that when they get older and have children of their own...the cloths will be passed down to them.

  8. Happy Anniversary! I think all of us who went thru IVF have anniversaries we think about. Although my 5 attempts did not work out ( early loss IVF 4), but it did in the end, I am still somewhat sad that I missed certain things I now have my wonderful daughter thru adoption which is more then we had hoped for. So Happy Anniversary!

  9. That was beautiful and I hope you do remember that day every year and rejoice in the treasures you were given.

  10. Congratulations on such a beautiful family...and on having your dreams come true!

  11. I know exactly how you feel. I look at the 5 children I was never "supposed to have", including the triplets I "couldn't carry" and become overwelmed. Of course, on not so good days, I am overwelmed for other reasons - LOL.

    Thanks for sharing this reminder of miracles.


  12. As someone who is in that very dark place right now, thank you for writing this.

    So often women who "graduate" from infertility go on to happily parent, pretending as though that part of their life never existed, almost shunning their former infertile identity. I know that we all process things differently, and some of those women who "forget" their infertile past are just doing what they have to do to put the pain behind them, but all the same. As someone who is still in the trenches, waiting for my family to be fuller, it is always nice to read someone who is genuinely thankful to be where they are, who acknowledges the fact that not everyone who wants to be a mom gets to be a mom so easily.

    So, in short, just thanks for writing this post.

  13. What a wonderful post Jen. It made me tear up. 5 years ago at this time, I had gotten pregnant from our first IVF attempt and Tuesday 03/17 will mard the 5 year anniversary of a miscarraige. It will also mark the 4th anniversary of Finley and Jude coming home from the NICU. It's amazing how time flies. They learn to talk, to walk and Oh the things that they say now!! You deserve everything you have and are simply an amazing woman!!!

    Finley, Jude and Toddler Avah

  14. So sweet and such a blessing!

  15. I am here in tears at I read your post. You are truly an amazing mother - it's no wonder you were blessed with four gorgeous children.

  16. This..... is my favorite.

  17. Jen, I so connect with this post. Just looking back three years ago, my hubs and I were researching adoption agencies. While we were excited, the loss of never having carried a child was so hard, so sad to me. And like you, ALL of my friends were having child after child and they were YOUNGER than me.

    But sweet Monkey is 18 months old. And our M2 is on his way. Ask me three years ago if I could imagine having two boys and I would have thought you were crazy. 10 years of infertility had made me skeptical of everything, including God's power and ability to surprise me. I'm so glad I was wrong. :-)

    And my life today is better than I could have ever imagined. I am reminded all the time that God's lense is so much wider than mine...that I need to just stand back and let Him take the picture, yanno?