I'm still trying to unpack everything that has happened over the past couple of months. But I think it's important for posterity to document some thoughts.
For starters, last year was a banner year for me, professionally.
My position at ExxonMobil was a Senior Technical Advisor to our environmental team. More specifically, I supported all environmental projects east of the Mississippi, and was the Global Technical Training Lead and Equipment Advisor. My key responsibility was to support project managers that were on the front-lines engaging with consultants and regulators, to ensure that any environmental work activities that ExxonMobil funded, were technically and fiscally viable, and "commensurate" with risk.
More often than not, I spent an exorbitant amount of time reviewing soil and groundwater assessment reports and remediation strategies, and helped our team prepare for advocacy meetings with governmental agencies. On any given day, I would be on the phone jumping from one Zoom call to another from before sun-up until after sun-down. It wasn't uncommon that I'd be on the phone for eight hours a day with another few hours spent taking care of "other" work such as the development and roll-out of technical training material for the global organization, and/or stewardship of the global inventory of remediation equipment. There was always something to do and I consistently found opportunities to make things better, every where I looked.
In the spring of 2020 I earned an Advanced Skill Milestone (ASM) at work, which is intended to be a big recognition (Atta Boy / Atta Girl!) and reflects the advanced level of expertise and value that a person brings to the organization. In honor of the occasion, there was a formal celebration on campus, complete with a catered luncheon, award ceremony where recipients received a Presidential handshake, beautiful walnut plaque, and $1,000 gift card. We even had a write-up in the company newsletter.
The day of the celebration was a few days before the pandemic brought the country to its knees. Things were heating up, though, and I remember that instead of shaking hands with the senior management that was present, we elbow-bumped. Less than two weeks later, the office was shut down and stock prices plummeted. When the bottom fell out on the stock market, I'd called my boss and told him that I wanted to forfeit my $1,000 gift card. Not that my teeny tiny gesture of altruism would make a difference to a behemoth of a company like ExxonMobil, but it sincerely felt like the right thing to do in light of the dire financial circumstances facing the corporation.
My boss told me that it was a nice thought, but I needed to go spend the money that I'd been awarded in recognition of my outstanding contributions. So, a few months later, I used the money to buy William a brand new bicycle when we were in Bend, Oregon.
(The bike was intended to be an early Eagle Scout present!)
In addition to receiving my ASM, last year I spearheaded the development of two websites which took more than 20 years of technical data, and organized it so that all of our technical guidance material would be easily navigable to not only our internal personal, but hundreds of our contractors that are required to comply with our processes. This was something that our organization had recognized needed to be done for years, but it never got the attention it needed - until last year, when I pulled together a skeleton team and finally made it happen. A few weeks after it rolled out to great applause across our global organization, the computer guru / IT guy that did all of the programming for the new websites, was laid off, in addition to hundreds - if not thousands - of other personnel from the company.
It was a devastating blow, two weeks before Christmas.
We knew that layoffs were coming, we'd been fairly warned. But nothing quite prepares you for it, until you start receiving messages from dear friends that you've known for years that were let go. Morale started to fall faster than, well ... oil and gas prices in a global pandemic.
The company put a temporary halt to stock matching, and management seemed detached and unable to successfully connect with their employees to restore enthusiasm and faith. Soon, younger staff started to jump ship; resignations were rolling in nearly every week as more and more personnel decided that they no longer wanted to work for an energy company that it seemed had no vision for energy, beyond fossil fuels. Particularly in light of the increasing alarms regarding global warming, these younger staff were hedging their bets, pivoting their budding careers, and pursuing opportunities elsewhere. The tech industry and renewables were especially big draws.
While I was never really concerned about my own position, my boss at the time called to tell me that my job was safe. More than ever, the organization definitely needed my expertise. But I was genuinely worried about the future of our organization if we couldn't stem the resignation of younger staff. After a particularly difficult staff meeting, the day after the Super Bowl, I wrote a letter to our Global Manager, which I dubbed "My Jerry Maguire Moment." In it, I told him that a few years ago, I was the youngest technical advisor on the bench ... now I was the oldest and our bench depth was incredibly lean.
If Tom Brady could lead the Tampa Bay Buccaneers to an unlikely victory, surely we could do more to bolster morale. We just need our management to work on soft skills and address some of the real concerns that our people are asking - as honestly as they can. Our senior managers need more empathy, compassion and transparency ... and they need to start engaging with their people directly. Do they even know the names of the people on their teams? What drives and motivates them? The feedback I'd heard from so many of the younger staff that I was mentoring, is that our managers were so detached, they were just cogs in a wheel. The Global Manager replied that he was so grateful for my feedback, and had a new level of respect for me, given the humility and "courage of conviction" I displayed.
All the while, as I'd been combing through decades worth of technical data and processes to develop the websites, I realized that so much of this information that had been created years prior, was not on anyone's radar. Scores of guidance documents and best practices, which our teams needed to know and which could save our corporation significant money - were buried under years of cyber dust.
Buried, because the people that had authored many of the documents had retired and not been replaced. Or, they were not replaced 1:1 and any new people didn't know what they didn't know and there's only so much bandwidth. So one of the other "big" developments I made last year was to take these sometimes very complex technical documents, and distill them in to one-page summaries which I dubbed, "Tech Bites." I'd created the first few for my east team, only, but they caught on like wildfire, and were soon being circulated all over the globe, to multiple business lines. Instead of forcing our already-stretched too-thin people to read a 200-page document on site assessment techniques, I'd just pick one technique and create a quick "Tech Bite" summary of what it was, why it was important, when you'd use it, then I'd throw in a picture of what it looks like with a hyperlink to where the reader could find more information. The next week, I'd cover another technique.
Soon, the authorship expanded to include other technical experts from the company, and each week we would publish a "Tech Bite" on various topics. We added these to the new website libraries I'd just created, and it was great to hear the comments on how well the information was received. These Tech Bites were easily digestible, retained, and it was helping to build core technical competency for our people which was critical since they were on the front lines with contractors and regulators, where there is a huge amount of financial risk and long-term liability exposure for the corporation.
Recognizing that there was a significant gap in training and skill competency, and understanding how important it is to have our people adequately trained, I focused my attention to leading the development and roll-out of what turned out to be a 24-module technical training session. This session would become a mandatory requirement for all of our project managers with less than five years of experience or, anyone from within the corporation that was interested in learning about environmental science and remediation. We had so many incredibly bright subject matter experts on our team, so I recruited a dozen people to develop their specific segment following a template I had created, and then pulled it all together in what was a symphony of technical training awesomeness.
In the end, Remediation 201 was developed and led entirely by INTERNAL resources, which was huge because all prior technical training had been developed by our contractors. While we could have hired contractors to update the training, we were still in a cost-constrained environment, and I thought that no one knows our business better than us, so we should be the ones to create it. While it was a big lift, I made it happen, and it wound up being the best, most comprehensive, applicable technical training that our organization has ever created and delivered, and the best part is that our people actually learned a lot about environmental science and what they can do, to do their jobs better.
Because of the pandemic, we held the global training over four days, all via Zoom. While that may sound painful, we had breaks every 60 minutes, and I recruited senior managers - including the business line President, Vice President, Global Manager and all of our Regional Managers to drop in, each day as a complete surprise, and keep things lively with interactive games like Remediation Jeopardy! Site Assessment Speed BINGO! and Risk Assessment Kahoots!
My rationale for recruiting the senior managers to participate was four-fold: 1) It showed that they cared enough about the team of people that they would show up and help them learn; 2) It showed that they cared enough about the importance of training that they would show up and support the effort; 3) I wanted for them to better understand the work that we do, because many of the managers are rotated through so quickly, they really didn't have a good grasp of environmental science which drives our business; 4) We needed more FUN in the work that we do each day - human connectivity and laughter is good medicine and will give us the strength we need to be resilient in the face of so much adversity.
Although there were nearly 40 people on the call, each day was full of fun, learning, more fun, and breakout sessions where people from around the globe had the opportunity to network with colleagues they might otherwise never meet. Following the training, I sent out a survey and was happily surprised to see that with 95% responses, the average ranking on the class was 9.7 out of 10 stars. The only thing that could have made it better, they said, was if the training was held in person. Obviously, right?
But .... NOT BAD!
I was incredibly elated to think that something that took so much time and energy to create was so well received by the organization, and would be available for future training - for years to come.
Also last year, in addition to building websites, conceiving Tech Bites, developing the most comprehensive technical training our organization has ever seen - and providing mentoring for scores of young scientists and engineers in the company - I conducted deep technical dives on multiple projects that had been hung up in our portfolio for years. Because of my keen analytical capacity, I was able to stymie the installation of four fixed-based remediation systems; receive regulatory closure on a highly complex commingled plume project - and drive multiple projects to a more environmentally sustainable strategy. In business speak, this translates to millions of dollars in cost avoidance for the corporation.
Now, while I didn't ideally want for our family to be in Texas, it was something I was willing to do for the company because I had a good salary and benefits, I enjoyed my career, and I felt valued.
While I wasn't being promoted to management levels, that wasn't something I necessarily wanted at this point in my life. With four kids still at home, my priority was to have the flexibility to work wherever and whenever I needed, so that I could be around and available for my children. In between my marathon calls and midnight report reviews, I would take a walk with my husband, drive someone to practice, or sit down to eat with my family. I was perfectly happy to remain as an individual contributor, and just keep bringing my technical expertise, enthusiasm and knack for collaboration and organization forward to help drive value throughout the organization. Maybe, one day, after the kids graduated from high school - I would kick it up a notch and pursue higher levels within the corporation and more responsibility / money - but for now, all was good. I was serving the organization extremely well and maximizing value with everything I did.
So, you might imagine my surprise, then, when on Monday - July 26th, the day that we were visiting the University of Vermont in Burlington, I received a phone call from my old boss, who had recently been moved (demoted?) to a Project Manager level - and my new boss, a younger up-and-comer who I'd worked with years ago in California.
In short order they told me that the annual rank information for 2020 was available, where all employees are "ranked" and I had received an NSI: Need Significant Improvement. Essentially, for the first time in my 20 year career with the company - I was in the bottom 10% of the organization because my strengths of pushing to get things done, were actually "taxing" to the organization. Instead of making things better, I should have kept my head down and kicked the proverbial can down the road.
Don't rock the boat. Don't drive value. Don't speak up and ask questions like, "Why aren't there more women in leadership positions within the organization?" Don't tell Global managers that they need to improve their soft skills and help build morale across the organization to stem what I believe will be significant and regrettable attrition.
I had the option of participating in a 3-month PIP (Performance Improvement Plan) or 3-month severance PIL (Payment In Lieu). They continued, if I chose the PIP, after three-months my performance would be evaluated and the decision would be made as to whether I would remain with the company or be terminated. If I passed the PIP, they needed me in either Linden, New Jersey or Brooklyn, New York, so our family would be relocated north likely within the first or second quarter of the year. To say it felt like someone had punched me in the gut would be an understatement. All the air left me and I saw spots. HOW IS THIS POSSIBLE? AM I DREAMING?
By the time the air had returned and I could see again, I knew my decision.
Although I would have three weeks to decide, I immediately knew to my core what needed to be done.
The significant amount of time and energy that I've poured in to the company over the past year was not valued. I'd been in a situation with ExxonMobil before where I had received less than favorable feedback, but never to this degree. And I'd promised myself that if I ever found myself in that situation again, I wouldn't tolerate it. I would leave because I am worth more - and deserve more.
Moreover, WHY would I return to Texas, a state where I did not want to live, with the slightest possibility that if I didn't pass the PIP, I would be unemployed in three months? And if I passed the PIP, they indicated they would be moving our family in the new year. Why would I subject my children to this level of stress and uncertainty, as the triplets are entering their JUNIOR YEAR of high school? Which, arguably, is the most important year of high school as they are preparing for college applications?
Why, why, why?
For money? For the perception of security?
The call with my supervisors lasted for ten minutes. Following the call, Charlie and I were planning to begin our drive back to Texas later that afternoon. Instead, as soon as I hung up, I texted two of my close ExxonMobil colleagues and told them I received an NSI, to which they replied, "WTF?!? YOU?? ARE YOU KIDDING?"
I then went outside to tell Charlie. He didn't know what NSI meant, so I had to explain it, and he was as stunned as me. "Do they not realize everything you accomplished last year?" he kept asking me. I told him that I didn't want to go back, and he immediately supported my decision knowing that I would not subject myself, or the family, to the stress of it.
We'd be selling our soul ... for what, exactly? No guarantees and complete upheaval?
ExxonMobil has been great, but I can do better. I'm absolutely sure of it.
We told the kids what had happened, and how I really didn't want to go back to ExxonMobil and maybe not even go back to Texas. Now that I think back on it, I'm shocked how fast they all agreed that they didn't want to go back, either. The schools were too big, the temperatures too oppressive, the red ants too vicious - and had caused Charlie an anaphylactic reaction! While we had made wonderful friends and created a wonderful community around ourselves, and would miss so much about the area (our scout troop and neighbors!) the "vibe" of the area just wasn't us.
Within a matter of minutes we concluded we would not return as Texans. Ever.
We then had the decision to make, "Where should we go?" We could go anywhere - and seeing as we'd just visited all 48 contiguous states over the past few years, we asked ourselves, "Where do we want to be? Since we'll be starting our lives over, completely, where do we want that to happen?"
At the time, we were standing on the bank of Lake Champlain, and we all looked at each other and said, "How about here? We've always wanted to live in New England - now is our chance!" This area checked so many boxes: great university, airport, med center, seasons, beautiful outdoor areas, proximity to Canada, culture, craft beer. The kids loved the university and the advantage of us settling now, is that by the time they applied, they would be eligible for in-state tuition.
Because we literally stopped, dropped, and rolled, it truly felt like a gift from the Universe that we were here when we received the news and not in the middle of nowhere. (Or, Texas!)
We immediately swung in to action. Within a matter of days, we found a rental house - enrolled the kids in school - found a scout troop - church - and enlisted my dear friend, Claire, who had just earned her realtor's license, to sell our home. We were her very first home sale, which she was able to market and get under contract less than a week after the listing.
We met a lot of fellow campers, that after inquiring where we were from, would hear our story and reassure us that this was the most awesome thing we were doing for our family - and while it might be a tricky start, it would all work out GREAT. People who we'd never met, brought us bottles of wine to say congratulations on this huge life change, and best wishes for this gargantuan leap of faith.
The kids started school from the camper and William, from a tent.
Through it all, I kept telling the kids that it's like we were flying along at a nice cruising altitude in our plane (the Airstream does kind of look like a fuselage!) and suddenly, we lost both engines. Charlie and I are the pilots of this plane, and the children NEED NOT FEAR, because we will safely land this bird, which is currently in a nosedive and falling fast. But together, we can do this, we will do this, and meanwhile, we are not going to freak out - we're going to tighten our seatbelts, and breathe through the little oxygen masks, while happily consuming the peanuts and cream soda that we've been handing out.
This is going to be a cRasH landing and we may need to put our head between our knees. But we will survive and the stories we will tell, will be epic. We've just got to stay positive, and love one another.
Interestingly enough, after the decision was made and I updated my Facebook page to alert our friends and family that we would not be coming back, over the next two weeks, I spoke with each of the managers, individually, all the way to the Global Manager. They each called to tell me that they didn't want for me to leave the company, they explained that this was just the "process" and someone had to go in the lowest rank box, but it wasn't really an indication of my value to the company. Several of my senior-level colleagues would subsequently tell me that they didn't want to lose me; but given my age of 50, as a mother and primary breadwinner with four kids still at home, they thought that I would be a "lower flight risk" and would take the PIP versus if they put a 30 or 40 year old in that lowest rank box who would more likely leave the company in pursuit of greener pastures. That would be really troubling for other young staffers if they saw people their age getting ranked low and could have a domino effect.
It's just business, I totally get that. And as I told the managers, my heart was with them because this was NOT an easy time and I don't envy their positions ... at all.
Unfortunately, it does not appear that it is going to get better, any time, soon.
Because of the huge layoffs last year, and the number of resignations this year, management had less people to rank with this cycle, and the bottom NSI bracket had been increased (I've seen reports ranging from 3% to 8%) to a whopping 10%. I've also read that for the next 3-5 years, the company may continue to reduce up to 10% of it's headcount, annually. If that is true, within the next five years, the headcount could be down fifty percent. Sure, it's business, but from my perspective, it isn't very good business and it will continue to rapidly undermine and demoralize the company's most valuable asset: the people that chose to remain.
My manager said it was like "sorting diamonds" and they had no doubt that I would pass the PIP, and seeing as I'm only 4.5 years away from retirement, I really need to pivot and get back to Houston. How could I leave all of those benefits on the table? The Global Manager told me that I am an extremely valuable member of the team ... they can count on less than one hand the number of people with my expertise. To which I said, "If I am an extremely valuable member and you need me on the team, I will gladly remain for at least the next several years. But my new address is in Vermont." He said I was boiling his grits and had to return to Texas.
So I said, "Thanks so much for the 20-year ride, but I'm out. Turns out I've got a lot more courage of conviction than even I knew and the fact that all of this happened while we were in Vermont, a place we have always wanted to live, surely has to be a sign!"
It was a jagged PIL, but I took it.
And then I grabbed my airsick bag and braced for impact.
