combating the brat

Last month, when we were in South Carolina, we went swimming every day.

One afternoon, we went to the community pool in my mother's neighborhood. When we arrived, we were the only ones there, with the exception of a five-year-old girl named Rebecca. Once we were in the water and playing, Rebecca asked if she could use Elizabeth's pink goggles.

Elizabeth, being the great sharer that she is (with children outside of her own family), happily obliged. But when 20 minutes passed and Elizabeth sweetly asked if she could have her goggles back, Rebecca wouldn't cooperate.

So Rebecca's father stepped in and said, "Rebecca dear, those aren't your goggles. You must give them back now, OK?" Rebecca replied, "NO. I WON'T GIVE THEM BACK. I AM USING THEM." And a scene ensued. A rather ugly scene. And rather than pluck the goggles from his daughter's hand, the father - who it turns out is a psychiatrist - told his daughter that if she didn't comply, she would be disciplined.

Because I am interested to see how other parents handle their children who are acting difficult, the father had my rapt attention. Especially since he was a psychiatrist and had received training on behavioral science. Surely he knew exactly what to do.

Everyone watched as the father approached his daughter and looking in to her eyes firmly said, "Rebecca, I am going to count to three and if you don't give the goggles back to Elizabeth, you are going to have ONE consequence."

Rebecca tried to swim away.

The father caught up to her and said, "ONE..." long pause. "TWO...." long pause. "THREE!" Then he said, "Miss Rebecca, you now have ONE consequence."

OK then! This should be fun!! What happens after one consequence - I wondered?

Rebecca still didn't hand the goggles back. So the father repeated the process until he was up to three consequences. By now, several minutes had passed and Rebecca's brat defiance level had increased ten-fold. My daughter was patiently waiting for her goggles to be returned and I debated getting involved. But then, I considered that the father was really trying to work the situation the best he could and I should sit back and take notes.

Eventually, he pried the goggles from his daughter's grasp and returned them. But within a matter of seconds, Rebecca took the goggles OFF my child's head. Because, as she screamed across the pool, she "WASN'T DONE USING THEM!"

There was a lot more drama and eventually - after several more minutes passed - the father took Rebecca from the pool. Rebecca's mother was sitting in a chair, and had been making small talk with us, when the scene began to unfold. She got up and started to pack up their gear as the father draped a towel around his screaming daughter's shoulders and then, turned to put on his shoes.

In that time, Rebecca threw the towel off her shoulders and jumped back in the pool. The father stood on the edge and patiently told her that she needed to get out. When several more minutes passed, he jumped in after her, and once he got close, she swung back her arm and slapped him.

Repeatedly.

Not only was I in disbelief, our children were in disbelief.

William, Carolyn and Elizabeth had turned to stare when Rebecca ditched her towel and jumped back in the pool, and when she struck her father, they audibly gasped.

Then they started with their commentary, "OH MY GOODNESS! Did you see what that little girl did? OH MY GOODNESS. She just hit her Daddy. SHE HIT HIM. OH MY GOODNESS. She is throwing a fit. That's not good. THAT IS NOT GOOD!! She is a NAUGHTY child!!"

The father carried a screaming Rebecca out of the pool. He told her that she was up to five consequences. He summoned his wife to help him towel her off and put on her shoes. And then, the two parents carried her - by her flailing arms and kicking legs - out of the swimming area, while yelling over their shoulders to me, "Goodbye! It was nice to meet you! Enjoy the rest of your visit!"

They were seemingly oblivious to their child's behavior. Like this is something that happens every day, and this is how they respond? They just pick their out-of-control child up by her arms and legs and retreat, while calmly repeating, "That's one more consequence, sweetheart. Would you like another?"

I was stunned.

Charlie was stunned.

Our children were stunned.

None of us had ever seen anything like that, before.

But then, a few days later, when we were at the beach, I saw an almost identical situation.

This time, it was a five-year-old boy who got in to a fight with his seven-year-old brother. Since I had been watching the kids play, it was clear to me that the five-year-old was in the wrong. He had stomped on his brother's sand castle and then tried to hit him with a truck when the brother retaliated by hitting his leg.

The mother tried to get her kids under control, by separating them. She took the seven-year-old down to the water and the five-year-old picked up a handful of sand and pelted his three-year-old sister in the face. When she tried to hit him with a long-handled shovel, he smacked her over the head with a pail. I was jumping out of my chair to intervene - when the mother came running back to break up the fight. She talked calmly to her children while they ran around her - trying to hit each other.

For a few minutes, she tried to diffuse the situation by sitting down and talking to her kids. But when the five-year-old started to swing at her, she patiently stood up, and walked back to the water's edge. It was at least another 20 minutes before she collected her belongings and tried to leave the beach, while the kids threw punches at each other and her.

I couldn't believe that any one would tolerate that kind of behavior. It took every ounce of self control to not get up and get those children in line, MYSELF.

I think that if someone tolerates poor behavior from their child - they will soon be tolerating poor behavior from their adolescent. And then their teen. And they might wonder at some point, why no one enjoys spending time with them anymore and in fact RUNS the other way when they see them coming.

In my opinion, there really are no excuses. And people who condone bad behavior and don't lay down the law are not only doing a disservice to themselves and to the people that have to be subjected to their offspring ... they are doing a disservice to their child.

Kids need to know how to act. They need to know who is in control - and they need to learn at a very young age - it isn't them. They need to know what is acceptable and what isn't. And I'll be the first to say, a child hitting an adult or calling them names is not acceptable.

Now, I'll be the first to admit, my children are far from perfect when it comes to their behavior. We have our fair share of issues. But I would never - and I mean NEVER - tolerate that kind of disrespect towards me - or any one else. At the first sign of our children disobeying me, they are REMOVED from the situation, immediately.

What that means is I do not allow where I am, or who I am around, to dictate the way that I respond to my children. And my children know it.

Or rather, I should say everyone knows it, except Henry.

At 26 months old, our little house ruler is learning that he isn't the ruler of this house. He is going through a phase of defiance and non-sleep and screaming and obsession that makes me want to shove in some earplugs, grab a bottle of wine, crawl in a hole and hide.

I don't remember the triplets being nearly this difficult.

Then again, they were off the apples by the time they were two.

(Edited to add: Has any one ever had to NEGOTIATE with a child regarding breastfeeding?? Doesn't that signal that it might be time to stop?!)

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If anyone is interested in appearing on the show SuperNanny, I recently received an e-mail from the Casting Producer, Shannon McLaughlin. They are currently looking for new families for the next season. You can contact Shannon at 323-904-4680, extension 1178, or via e-mail at SMcLaughlin@Shedmediaus.com.

You know, it just occurred to me. I'm not sure why she contacted us...

Perhaps I'm not doing as good of a job as I think I am?

OH MY GOSH.

Did someone nominate our family?!

Mom?