ready or not

I'm "tentatively" scheduled for a c-section tomorrow afternoon.

It's completely surreal.

When the hospital called this morning to tell me my pre-op instructions, I told them that I was mulling over canceling the whole thing and waiting until I go in to labor on my own.

They gave me the instructions and said "We'll just pretend that you're coming in tomorrow. Of course you can always cancel if you change your mind."

All these choices are driving me insane.

Doesn't anyone realize I can't even decide what I want on my damn pizza?!

People I know are telling me that I'm nuts and I need to just have the c-section.

My doctor said that it hurts his back to look at me and he is worried that this baby is going to be BIG.

My mother said that the swelling I have "isn't normal" and she ought to know ... since she's got seven kids of her own, 20 grandchildren, and worked as a delivery room nurse for years.

Charlie said that he wants to hurry up and hold our new baby - but this is entirely my decision and he'll support me either way.

Last night, I was up until way past midnight researching VBAC's. I went back and read, twenty times over, all the thoughtful comments from my post, 19 days ago. And then I freaked out wondering how it is possible that it's already been three weeks since I wrote that?!

The reoccuring theme I've seen and heard, by and large, is that women who have done a VBAC wish that they had instead done a repeat c-section. Unless I'm blind, I have yet to see or hear from someone who has had a positive VBAC experience.

I've had friends, neighbors and relatives who have done a VBAC either call or come by and every last one of them has told me I need to do the repeat c-section.

So, why am I being so stubborn?

I think it's because with our triplets, I didn't have the option. Not only because there was a litter of babies to be delivered, but because they were nine weeks premature and I was so sick. When our babies were born, I remember wishing more than the world that they were back inside. They were not suppose to come out, yet.

Now, granted, I've carried this here baby a whole two months longer than I carried the triplets and I know in my mind that when he is born, he will be perfectly capable (God willing) of regulating his own body temperature and eating and breathing, on his own.

But in my heart, I feel like delivering this baby by c-section is taking him out before he is completely ready and I don't want for that to happen again.

Yes, I am ready to sleep peacefully again.

Yes, I am ready to possess the ability to put on my own socks and wear something that doesn't resemble a king sized bedsheet.

Yes, I am ready to go for walks and frolic with our children, without worrying about where the closest restroom is.

But I'm not ready to give up being pregnant and I don't want to bring this little one out before "it's time." Plus, I've always thought it would be super fun to jolt Charlie awake at 3 AM and tell him "Oh my God ... my water broke!!!"

I only mention that because recently Charlie told me that my job with the delivery of this baby, is to make sure that he stays calm.

As if that would happen.

The thought of delivering a baby scares the bejeepers out of me. I've read enough books, seen enough movies and heard enough stories to have a glimpse of what labor and delivery would be like. But when you are actually carrying a baby in your body that very soon needs to come out - it's a bit nerve wracking.

To say the least.

In other news...

Nesting is just about complete. Although the $#^$*&#$ refrigerator is STILL broken and won't be repaired until Monday, the floors are completely finished.

Charlie is wrapping up painting in our bathroom and kitchen. We bought a new carseat and bassinet. We washed all of the baby clothes, towels and blankets in Dreft and neatly stored them away.

The children then pulled every last item out and dragged them through the entire house.

They know something big is about to happen.

William will come over and extend his hand every time I try to stand up from the couch and will sweetly say "Mommy, Willem hep you."

On the rare occasions I do put my legs up, Carolyn will come over and rub them, while repeatedly saying "Oh no, boo-boo Mommy, boo-boo."

The other day, while eating out, Elizabeth grabbed my shirt - and before I could stop her - pulled it all the way up to my bra and yelled at my bulging stomach "BABY! WAKE UP!" As if on cue, the baby started to flex and when she saw the movement, she gave me a panicked look and pulled my shirt back down and yelled "BYE BYE BABY! BYE BYE!!"

So things are definitely coming along.

It struck me that we will soon have FOUR children when I was placing pictures on our wall and made space for a frame containing an ultrasound of numero quatro. I then had panick attack and had to breathe in a paper bag.

Later today, I plan to give Charlie a tutorial on how to update the blog such that in the off chance I don't have my laptop with me in the delivery room, he can post details and pictures of our newest addition.

It's completely surreal. Not just that I'm at that point of having another baby - but that I'm getting ready to hand the blog reins over to my husband.

What if he deletes the whole thing?!

Where's that paper bag?!