on church and triathlons

I've found that I'm fielding a lot of deep questions these days, chief among them, "Is God real and how do we really, REALLY know?"  



In short answer, I know because I've experienced far too many things that are otherwise unexplained, and, I genuinely feel it in my heart.  Moreover, there is what I perceive to be not enough scientific evidence to disclaim it.  Also, the alternative is rather bleak, so if given the choice of believing or not believing - I'll believe every day of the week and twice on Sunday.  Amen.

Of course, this has been my own personal evolution and I cannot fool myself in to thinking that I can convince anyone to believe what I believe.  So I encourage our kids to ask questions and look at this from every possible angle.  In doing so - I'm certain they will come to their own conclusions and if their conclusions are aligned with mine, they too will have a faith that is immovable.  (Most days.)

Up until two months ago, we'd been going to church, religiously. As in - every week - for the past ten years.  As the children continue this undeterred process of growing older, having the solid foundation that an organized religion offers, has become extremely important to me. Not because I'm particularly distracted with eternal salvation - but because exposing children to religion and nurturing hope in young hearts that there is something greater than us in control, and we each have a truly divine purpose for existence, is a critical fact to remember when you are a child, and when you're raising children. (Especially teenagers.) 

In our quest, we've visited a lot of churches over the past decade and our experience reminds me of "It's Not Easy Being a Bunny."  With yours truly in the starring role of P.J. Funnybunny.   But instead of assimilating with the bears, and the birds, and the beavers, and the moose ... I've attempted assimilation with the the Catholics, Unitarians, Presbyterians, Baptists and Quakers.  (To name just a few.)

After  a lot of searching, and moving across the country, two years ago we finally felt like we'd found our place.  Our children were all dedicated in the Unitarian church when they were babies, but last year, all four of them were baptized in the United Methodist church and the triplets went through Confirmation.   Around the same time, Charlie and I took a personality test that was designed to help us understand our spiritual gifts, and explore ways to serve in order to best use those gifts. Turns out, we are on the completely opposite ends of the spectrum for personality, but we both scored high in the service of hospitality.  



Using that information, I took up a job as a Sunday morning greeter because it's not enough to just go to service each week, you also need to serve to be a genuine part of the CHURCH.  But after several months, I found that I was becoming really discouraged by the number of people who would not acknowledge me, or my efforts of handing them a service program (fickle, right??)  What started out as a simple observation grew until each week, I'd be overwhelmed by what I perceived to be incivility.   It amazed me how many people would walk in and without making eye contact, take a program from the stack in my hands, and not utter a "thank you" or "good morning" or "hey" or "move it" or … anything.  Why not just put a basket next to the door, so people can get their own programs?

I'm laughing at how trite this is, and realizing it is my own flaw, this feeling of being snubbed. But I'm human so can admit that what I perceived to be a lack of acknowledgement - - week after week - - from not all, but a significant percentage of parishioners, drastically diminished my enthusiasm for not only wanting to serve - but to worship beside them.  I might have even thought to myself and said once or thrice to my husband, "How can these people call themselves Christians?! Pfft!"

"Judge not, lest ye be not judged."  Yes, yes. I know.  Thank you, Matthew.

Meanwhile, 2/3 of my teenagers didn't want to attend the teen's service, because they would tell me that they were the only ones that didn't have cell phones and they felt out of place. Thinking that this was the latest ploy to convince me that they all needed their own cell phones, I popped in one day and in my 60-second scan, identified that were two distinct groups of kids:

1) Those that were in clusters, holding their cell phones and laughing together as they stared at the cell phone screens; and

2) Those kids that were solitary but had on headphones that were plugged in to their phones to either demonstrate that:

A) They are busy listening to music, or

B) They want to appear busy listening to music so no one will notice that they are alone.

Either way, since our kids didn't have cell phones, they didn't fit in with either group.  And, this just further justified my reasoning for not wanting to buy them their own. Please for the love of all that is holy - talk with people.  Look them in their eyes and ENGAGE.  And if you cannot understand that, my apologies children, your mother was born in the wrong millennium and cannot - for the life of her - get on board with what kids do in this modern era.  Now go outside and jump rope while I hang the laundry to dry.



Anyway, that was two months ago, and we haven't really been back to church since.  Even though I love the work we'd do with the outreach missions, and the music, and the message, my feelings were genuinely hurt.   It felt like I was searching out people's eyes to smile and make human connection to let them know "I see you!" but didn't feel like I was getting that, or very much, in return.

After a lot of prayer and inward reflection, I've realized that this may be part of the divine lesson we're supposed to be learning in this moment.  This is how I see it:

I) Everyone - everyone - not just wants, but actually needs to be seen and acknowledged.   That includes the cashier at the grocery store, the pizza delivery man, the bus driver, the person handing out programs at the church, and the dog.

II) Everyone - everyone - is going through something.  That includes the kids that have noses buried in their phones, or the people that are walking in to the church and don't make eye contact. Something tells me, they desperately need to feel important and a part of something, just as we all do. 

III) We are all comprised of energy and how we use it can either be positive, negative, or neutral. Positive energy is far better for our hearts, souls, family, community, and world - than negative or neutral energy.

IV) When we're in a negative or neutral energy funk - and it will happen because we're human - give yourself a break. And then, go stand in the sun - allow it to warm you from the outside in.  Marvel at the beauty of a leaf, or a bug, or the clouds overhead - and get over it.   

V) Don't take other people's negative or neutral reactions to you personally. It's really not about you. Instead, we need to keep harnessing our positive energy and after warming ourselves, reflecting what we have remaining - outwards.  

VI) No one said it would be easy, but the rewards of a life well lived and loved, are awesome.  Dig deep and keep going.  

Yesterday, we had the opportunity to see all of these lessons in action, as we cheered on athletes at the Texas IronMan competition.  We didn't get down to the race until 12 hours after it had started, and set ourselves up on the marathon course, while participants made their way past.  

While any one who participates in an IronMan is amazing - in my book - these people we were cheering on, weren't elite athletes who finished in under 10 hours.  No, these were the folks who had been out on the course for the better part of the day, were at various stages of running a MARATHON and were exhausted to their cores.

We were there, specifically, to cheer on a good friend of ours, who we were following on the IronMan tracker and had seen that he was starting to drag hard.  His transition between bike and run was nearly 20 minutes, and as we watched his run time creep from a 14-minute per mile pace, to nearly 20-minutes per mile, we decided to ride our bikes down to the course.  As a former marathoner myself, I knew this wasn't looking good if he hoped to finish before midnight and/or not get picked up by the ambulance.

Initially, we were just ringing our cow bell, but I soon noticed that we could see the racer's names on their racing bibs. So I started shouting, "Good job, Amy!"  or "Way to go Bob!"  At first the kids were totally embarrassed, and tried to hide as I yelled out all the names. But very soon, when they saw the immediate effect it was having on the people who were racing - so they got on the front lines and were cheering on these racers, like nothing I could've imagined.  Carolyn surpassed even me, and took home the top cheerleading award for the day. "WAY TO GO AL JAN DREW! YOU ARE DOING INCREDIBLE! KEEP IT UP!"

(OK, so I had to help with a few name pronunciations, like Alejandro.)  

What the kids realized was that when people were individually seen, and recognized, and cheered - it had an immediate impact.   While not everyone smiled or nodded or acknowledged that we were there (one poor guy immediately threw up his Gatorade in a nearby bush), the vast majority of people visibly brightened because of the positive energy they were receiving.  

As the sun set, I had to drag the kids off the course, because they didn't want to leave. Carolyn pleaded, "Mom, we can't go!  This race isn't over!  They really need us out here cheering them on that they can do it!" In fact, as we rode our bikes home, she kept one hand on the cow bell and continued cheering people on, until we were out of sight.  

In the end, isn't that what it's all about?  

Showing up, acknowledging each other, lifting each other up with positive energy, and doing it for as long as you possibly can.  Divine Lessons.  At least that's the way I see it.  

Also, we need to get back to church something fierce. Whenever I attend a service, it's like God Himself is telling us to persevere,  "GOOD JOB JEN & CHARLIE!  KEEP UP THE PACE! THERE ARE SOME BIG ROLLERS COMING UP, BUT YOU CAN DO THIS! YOU'VE GOT IT - AND I'VE GOT YOUR BACK!"

Somewhere, I'm absolutely sure, this is the Word of the Lord. 

monday, monday

An incident occurred last week at school that quickly spiraled out of control. My documenting it here, is an opportunity to capture it for posterity.

The Facts As I Understood Them: A classmate who has been aggressive and confrontational towards several students in the class, turned his aggressions on William.  It was a brief moment where he called William a Very Bad Name, and then threw out a critical component of his lunch.

When William told me the story, after it had simmered in his mind for several hours, the scene had become much more ominous.  Rarely do I reach out to teachers regarding classmate issues - I think this is the first time (?) - but I reached out when I heard what William said, and Carolyn - who is also in the class - corroborated the story and this child's behavior who has consistently been 'mean'.  

I asked William several times, "You mean to tell me, he threw out your yogurt?!" and he insisted, "YES! HE DID!"  In my email to the teacher, I indicated our children were far from perfect, but if the tables were turned - I would absolutely want to know how my child was behaving at school and treating their peers. (And the favorite part of their lunches.)

The teacher immediately responded and said that our children were 'absolute angels' and it would be handled, but it was critical that both William and Carolyn removed themselves from any equation where this child was involved. That message was received and conveyed.

A few days later, Carolyn came home and indicated she'd been bullied by this same child when he approached a friend of hers and accused them of tattling and getting him in to trouble.  Carolyn said, "Leave them alone, they had nothing to do with it!" and the child turned on her.   Later that same day, Carolyn had to present a project in the class, and William observed that the child was whispering and pointing at his sister with his friends, and William conjured saying things that were unpleasant.

The unpleasant things that kids are saying in Junior High are really, really unpleasant.  Gone are the days of Elementary School where unpleasant is 'you're a booger nose!' 

Needless to say, William decided that he wasn't going to let this incident just 'go' so after class, he went up to the boy and said, "If you have something bad to say about my sister - you better say it to ME."  The boy just scoffed at William and walked off with his gang of friends, but William was absolutely certain he heard the boy say more derogatory things about his sister - which he told Carolyn about, and more dominoes fell. When Carolyn came home in tears, I again reached out to the teacher and said I'm just alerting her what is happening, and want to leave it to the school to handle this, but mama bear is coming out of hibernation if her cubs keep coming home mentally traumatized every day.   The teacher totally understood, was completely on board with what was happening, had reached out to the boys parents - and coaches since the offending student played sports - and was really escalating this because Really Bad Stuff. Unacceptable Stuff. 

On Friday, the teacher pulled our two children in to a discussion and for the first time, a conflicting story began to appear.  "He said, she said - wait a minute - didn't you tell me that he said this? Ruh-Roh..." 

The teacher reached out to me with concerns as to what exactly was going down, and for an hour on Friday night, William and Carolyn sat with me at a table and we got ALL THE DETAILS out, a la interrogation style when I sensed that they weren't going to say anything that would implicate they had in any way done something wrong.

What I Learned:  The boy has been aggressive in class, and called William a Very Bad Name and threatened to throw out a component of his lunch, but he didn't actually throw it out.  BIG Difference.  Nonetheless, William was mad, and things quickly went downhill.  The boy had approached Carolyn and her friend, and called Carolyn a Very Bad Name, and he did laugh and point at her in class. But was he talking about her? Not really sure. Some of the other names that William and Carolyn thought he heard him say? Not 100% certain.  

Elizabeth crashed the interrogation and said, "Oh! Oh! I know who that boy is! When I see him on Monday I'm going to….." And I cut her off and said, "OH NO YOU AREN'T GOING TO ANYTHING! YOU ARE GOING TO STAY OUT OF IT! LORD HAVE MERCY!" 

A cord of three strands is not easily broken, indeed.

And when they're all in Tae Kwon Do, WATCH OUT! 



I immediately relayed what I know to the teacher, and over the weekend we've been communicating every day. She has expressed to me that she isn't happy, because she based her response and actions on 'half truths.'  She completely trusted our children because of their 'stellar reputation' in her class - and ran this one up the flagpole, engaging parents and coaches - and was party to the issuance of some very stern warnings.

Likewise, I'm disappointed because they said all the right things that would set off my alarms (funny how they know EXACTLY what my triggers are!), I unequivocally believed them, and while a lot of what they said was true, they embellished details that may have resulted in a harsher punishment than what was warranted.  The teacher asked that I get them to school early today, so she can talk with them before any further action is taken.  All weekend, William and Carolyn have been literally worried sick about what lays in wait for them today, when they have to confess that they exaggerated, and speak the truth to a teacher that they greatly admire.

It's been hard to watch their pain and anguish, but I've explained to them that the best opportunities for growth, typically follow our most painful experiences. So they can either curl in a ball and be filled with dread, or they can own it, recognize that being human means making mistakes, rise up - and allow this situation to positively transform them.   To buoy themselves, Carolyn wrote an apology letter to the teacher, and William sat down with a pot of tea, and wrote down the definition to each word of the Boy Scout Law. Those that are the most relevant in this situation…  

A Scout is Trustworthy. A Scout tells the truth. He is honest, and he keeps his promises. People can depend on him.

A Scout is Kind.  A Scout knows there is strength in being gentle. He treats others as he wants to be treated. Without good reason, he does not harm or kill any living thing.

A Scout is Brave. A Scout can face danger although he is afraid. He has the courage to stand for what he thinks is right even if others laugh at him, or threaten him.



I've got some work to do, too.  First of which is to: 1) Breathe,  2) Make sure I've got all the details 100% correct; 3) Breathe some more while thinking about best way to respond.

As is most things in life, it can often be so much easier said than done.

Onward, Christian Soldiers!

come sail away with me

It started something like this.



We went to California for Spring Break - and to celebrate Charlie's dad's 90th birthday. While we were visiting the lovely town of Santa Barbara, where Charlie grew up, I took our children for a leisurely walk along the marina as we tried to settle on something fun to do. On the side of a little building, a sign caught my eye. It read: "LEARN TO SAIL HERE!"

"How about that!"  I exclaimed to the children. "I've always wanted to learn to sail!" They may have groaned, "Ohhhh no." It was either that or "Heave Ho."  I'm not really sure?

They walked, while I skipped down the ramp - across the dock - and in to a little marina office of the Santa Barbara sailing club.  A helpful young woman told me all about sailing classes, the introductory classes - and the more advanced classes, that could enable us to handle the much larger boats.  Unfortunately, we didn't have days to commit since we were leaving town the next morning. My dreams dashed, we instead opted to rent a surrey.



But that night at Alex's birthday party, as fate would have it, I sat next to some of Alex and Kathleen's good friends, John and Randi, and I told them how I'd inquired on sailing school, earlier in the day. John and Randi shared with me that they were sailors, and reminded me how they'd met Kathleen many years ago, while sailing in Mexico.  Back in the 70's they actually had started a sailing school in Santa Barbara, because they thought it was prudent people have basic sailing skills. They shared with me how wonderful of a sport sailing is, and how they know of people who have set off on incredible voyages with their family to explore the world.

This kind of free-living talk stirs something that was once deep in my soul, but is now right there on the surface, ready to ERUPT at any minute.  Charlie thinks it's a midlife crises, but I've been having it for YEARS and at this point, I'm probably shaving years off my life, if I don't do something about it.   So I shared with John and Randi how over the past two summers we'd visited nearly 20 National Parks across the US and Canada, camping the entire way, and I felt happier and more peaceful than I'd felt in …. ever?   While camping, we fished for our dinner, picked berries for our snacks, swam in rivers - hiked pristine meadows - gazed at stars - connected over campfires - collected sticks and stones and leaves and memories that will last us a lifetime.

We lived simply - and intentionally - and so, so richly.

As our children get older and closer to "launch" date, I explained to John and Randi, I know there's no way to slow down time which is flying past. But these adventures we share together as a family, are like speed bumps on the fast track road of life.  While time obviously isn't slowing down, when we're away from the daily grind, the days feel longer and sweeter, and the experiences of what we did are so unique - they are highlights, punctuated in our memory.

That simple living, is how I want to live every day. While we do have a great life - good careers, etc. it often feels like we're caught on a gerbil wheel where the weeks blend from one to the next, and we live for weekends, which are gone all too fast.  What I'd really like is to give our children a true educational experience and pull stakes for a couple years to really travel and experience the world.   I nodded to Charlie, who had joined us at the table, "We've done so much traveling by land - maybe now it's time to "sea" the world from a different perspective?!"

My husband shook his head and had a look of dread in his eyes.  I've gone off the tracks. Again.  A few months ago, I had in mind that we should buy a little cabin in northern Montana and open a coffee shop.  Last month, I was looking at RVs for sale. Lest we forget living on a farm in New England and raising sheep.

When we went whale watching a few days later, and watched dolphins jump through the wake our our boat, I had a spiritual experience of sorts.  Also, a realization that, "Hey, wait a minute! Houston is near the coast! I'll bet there are sailing schools near us!"



And that is how this past weekend, Charlie and I - and the children who are in a semi-slight panic that their parents are going to sell everything and move on to a sailboat for a couple years, took a two-day basic sailing classes in nearby Galveston, Texas.



On our first day of class, after our morning of classroom instruction, we set out on the water, where the temperatures were in the 50's, it was drizzling rain, and the wind gusts were 25-30 miles per hour.



Carolyn thought for sure she was going to flip the boat when it was her turn at the helm.  We were heeling so steeply that water was washing over the leeward side of the boat, and everyone - except our instructor, Captain Dave, was screaming.  We were quite a sight!



The next day, the temperatures were in the 40's and there was virtually no wind. Neither day were ideal conditions for beginner sailors - but we loved it, and appreciated that it was a totally awesome family / team building activity.



Everyone had an important job to do!



And best of all, we're now certified to sail boats up to 27 feet in length, through the American Sailing Association.



Over the next month, we will be taking trips back to the coast to hone our skills, before Charlie and I proceed with a more intensive sailing program that will allow us to handle the boats that are greater than 30 feet.  And then, who knows what?

The sayings are endless!

A boat in the harbor is safe… but that's not what boats are built for. 

A boat in the harbor is safe... but in time, it's bottom rots out. 

I'd rather be on a boat with a drink on the rocks, than in the drink with a boat on the rocks.

Wait - skip that one!