Tuesday, May 11, 2010

no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should

First, and most importantly, I really want to thank all of the wonderful people who have left me comments and sent me e-mails over the past few days offering compassion, support and encouragement. Your words have lifted my spirits in ways that I cannot articulate. From the bottom of my heart, thank you.

Second, one minute I'm fine and at peace with what has happened. The next minute - or perhaps several minutes later - I'm not. Since I've been preparing myself and mourning that this pregnancy was not going to continue for the past several days, it didn't come as a terrible surprise when my doctor called yesterday with my lab results. Still, my emotions are all over the map. I can think and talk about this loss very logically and while I fully recognize that many of my thoughts have been totally irrational, that doesn't stop me from falling in to a pit of grief and sorrow every two hours. (Give or take 45 minutes.)

Third, this has been an emotionally difficult month. We've been faced with some huge decisions about moving cross-country, selling our house, buying a new house, enrolling our children in school, starting a new job, getting acclimated in a new environment, resigning from my position, staying in my position, welcoming a new baby and now, losing a baby. While in some ways this miscarriage seems like a cruel joke, I truly believe that I can see God's Fingerprints even on this sad situation. On Sunday afternoon, I was caught in a sunbeam outside. It was such a beautiful moment. As I stood with my eyes closed, asking for inner peace and guidance, I suddenly felt my body grow cold and the sky grow dark as a cloud passed before the sun. I opened my eyes and could see that the cloud was small and soon it blew past and I was warm again. Isn't that the way it is with life? Sometimes the clouds are bigger than others and sometimes, rain will fall. But eventually, the sun will come out again and when it does, it warm us from the inside out.

Fourth, while this might be TMI for some, I've found it very helpful to read other women's experiences as I've been going through this. So for me, it all started last Monday afternoon. At first I noticed very light spotting, and almost immediately, I started to have pains in my lower back and slight cramping. By Monday night, the cramping had stopped but the spotting continued through Tuesday. While I was fearing a miscarriage, I was also wondering if perhaps I was expecting multiples again since the experience was almost identical to my seventh week of pregnancy with the triplets. But by Wednesday morning, unlike my triplet pregnancy, there was bright red bleeding which continued until Sunday. My HCG levels on Wednesday were 429. Two days later they had dropped to 400. Because the levels are so low, the doctor doesn't believe an ultrasound is necessary but might be completed when I go in for my third round of blood work, tomorrow - just so we can determine the next course of action.

Fifth, Last but not least, I would like to take a moment to acknowlegdge my mother's "Senior Moment" and the way it made me laugh harder than I've laughed in days. When you are calling your daughter to offer your condolenscences on her miscarriage and then at the end of the conversation add that Land's End has an amazing selection of maternity clothes and then pause for a moment before saying, "Oh Wait! Oh No! Did I just say that? I'm so sorry! Umm. How are the kids? Did you try that recipe I sent you?!" please understand that the gasping you hear on the other end very well might be laughter, not sobbing. Sometimes, nothing cracks the ice like a totally inappropriate comment. And when that happens, it's always helpful to have your sense of humor fully intact.

I'm convinced of it ... laughter really does cure almost all of life's ills.

71 comments:

  1. J-

    I am so very sorry that you are going through this. It does seem that the universe is playing such a cruel joke...

    I have been through it 2 times so, it at any time you need to vent or anything please email me.

    Susan
    Finley, Jude and Avah

    ReplyDelete
  2. OMGosh...aren't moms & their comments the best? When they're saying the RIGHT thing...they are so encouraging...when they aren't...they can still make us laugh. I'm so gas you're seeing God in the little AND big things. I'm praying that the emotions aren't to teing as you ride thru them. Lots of hugs from NJ...

    ReplyDelete
  3. Again Jen, I'm so sorry. I know so well how the grief can ebb and then resurface, often when you least expect it. It really does help to be with your kids. The miscarriages I suffered before I had kids were much harder to cope with, in a way, than those after. Not that anything really makes it any easier. Take care.

    ReplyDelete
  4. What a journey it has been for you all.
    My continued prayers are with you

    ReplyDelete
  5. No doubt - things do happen beyond our control and often for the best. You're right, Laughter cures many heartaches...Mother Mary and I always subscribed to that rule....we laughed alot when we felt like sobbing...but that wouldn't solve a thing...Jen, take heart - God laughs and so must we..it is the balm that heals. Kisses and hugs to you all...all will be well. God Bless and Love, Mrs. D.

    ReplyDelete
  6. I've been wanting to leave a comment for several days as I was holding out hope that, somehow, all would be well with your pregnancy.

    I'm so sorry for your loss.

    It appears you've had many comments and e-mails from women who can relate to your loss and grief because they have experienced a miscarriage (or multiple miscarriages).

    You can add me to that list.

    Reading your experience brought back my own experience with each of my own miscarriages.

    My first one was while our first child was 18 months old, lying in a hospital bed hooked up to an IV for severe dehydration after rotovirus attacked his little body. I miscarried in his hospital room while doctors and nurses walked the halls around me. The irony was heartwrenching.

    My second miscarriage tore my heart out and left me wondering if I, a woman who wanted a houseful of children, would indeed be the mother of one.

    Joy entered our lives again when our daughter was born 16 years ago. As for the houseful of children, due to the miscarriages and complications before her birth, we were lead to the decision to stop at two. Even without a houseful of children, though, we have had a houseful of joy.

    Every year at Christmas we hang a special ornament - a little angel sitting on a cloud - that I bought after my second miscarriage. And every time we hang it, my husband and I allow our eyes to meet and remember. Remember the grief, but the joy that finally followed with the birth of our sweet daughter.

    Please know that joy will find its way into your heart again. Until then, allow yourself to grieve this loss; for it IS a loss.

    I hope you can feel all of our prayers and good wishes for you as your body and spirit heal.

    Love to you and your family.

    ReplyDelete
  7. I'm so, so sorry that you are going through this. I read the post with tears; and then read your paragraph about your mom; and I had to smile (okay snicker). You've been through such a time lately - know that I'm thinking of you.

    ReplyDelete
  8. I'm so so sorry to hear about your loss. May you and your beautiful share peace, laughter and love :)

    ReplyDelete
  9. Nothing is wasted in our lives, my dear. God can, and does, bring beauty out of ashes so often, in our lives.

    My heart is with you as you face this disappointment. There is a verse in Psalms, I think, that says, "hope deferred makes the heart sick" and that is so very true.

    ReplyDelete
  10. Jen,
    I am so very sorry. Please know that many, many people are thinking of you and your wonderful family. May the rays of sunshine find you.
    Tracie
    (babysteps)

    ReplyDelete
  11. I'm so sorry that you are going through this -- miscarriages rob you of your naivete about pregnancy and make it really challenging to relax and enjoy the early months of subsequent pregnancies. I've had two, one after my 2nd round of IVF resulted in my first-ever pregnancy, and another last fall in our very first ever non-medically-assisted surprise pregnancy. Both happened after we saw a healthy heartbeat on ultrasound and I had no symptoms with either -- just found out at a routine ultrasound that development had stopped weeks earlier without my ever realizing it. I am fortunate to have an almost 2-year old son now and I will say that the grief I experienced during/after my 2nd miscarriage was somewhat tempered by having a toddler to come home to, but still - these losses are very real to all of us, especially when they are of pregnancies that are so very much desired. Be gentle to yourself as you go through this and hug those adorable kiddos of yours!

    ReplyDelete
  12. I'm so sorry. So so so sorry. I'm glad you have laughter.

    ReplyDelete
  13. I am so sorry. Yet again you inspire me with your words. I often fail to see the hand of God in difficult times and am happy that you are able to. Grieve as necessary and trust in Him for the rest. Godspeed to you and your beautiful family. Linda

    ReplyDelete
  14. Jen, I am so sorry. My miscarriages were very sad and so hard with the total lack of control and all. But they did make me love my kids in a way I couldn't have before. Much peace to you and your family.

    And your mom totally mademelaugh.

    ReplyDelete
  15. Being able to keep my sense of humor through our losses is what helped keep me sane.

    I hope the sunlight keeps finding you :)

    ReplyDelete
  16. I read, but don't comment...I just wanted to offer some hugs to you and your family.
    xoxo

    ReplyDelete
  17. Jen I am really sorry for your loss. I love that you find something positive in everyday life. I, myself, use laughter all the time. Today I went for blood test results and the OBGYN is referring me to a hematologist because my PTT levels are high. Just add it on baby! I have to laugh at the rare occurrences in life. At least I love the positive side of rare with birthing triplets!

    ReplyDelete
  18. Oh Jen, I am so very sorry. I would love to come and throw my arms around you so you could sob on my shoulder for nothing is better that a good cry.
    Unfortunately you're in San Diego and I'm in Healdsburg so I'll send you many virtual hugs.

    ReplyDelete
  19. Just got caught up on the last few posts. So sorry to hear what you and your family have been going through. I can not begin to imagine the kind of roller coaster your emotions are on. I'll be keeping all of you in my prayers. May the rest of May, and the months to follow, prove to bring many moments of joy and peace.

    ReplyDelete
  20. Jen,
    I am so sorry for your loss, I have been checking in daily hoping to see everything was fine, but I am sad to see its not, all I can say is that take your time to grieve and take one step at a time.
    I have been following your blog for a few years now and totally love how honest and forthcoming you have been in your writing and love reading your blog.
    Take Care Jen,
    Kim,
    Victoria, Australia

    ReplyDelete
  21. I am so very, very sorry for your loss. I had been hoping and praying that this would turn out differently.

    ReplyDelete
  22. Ahh Jen, I'm sorry. I was praying this would be a miracle story. As I said in my previous post going through a miscarriage is both emotionally and physically painful. I'm not sure where you are in the process but be prepared for some very severe pain. My 2nd miscarriage at 6-7 weeks I basically went through severe back labor for about 1 hr with heavy bleeding. It was so bad I started throwing up and fading in and out. I did not pass the decidua(pregnancy tissue) at that point though. It wasn't until the following morning that I passed large amounts of tissue in the toilet. The bleeding continued for another 5 days or so, but the cramping was minimal. I'm sharing this so you don't panic if it gets really bad. My first miscarriage at 5-6 weeks was much less painful. My HCG was much lower; 300 vs 12,000, and we never saw a sac. Emotionally, my moods fluctuated drastically. Logically, I knew there was a reason for it and I felt blessed to have 2 beautiful healthy boys, but at times despair beat out logic and I felt empty to my core. It is now 2 1/2 months later and I'm feeling much better. I still think about the baby that will never be, but the pain has subsided. You will be in my thoughts and prayers.

    Peace
    Deanna in NJ

    ReplyDelete
  23. im so sorry

    ReplyDelete
  24. I had a miscarriage before we had Jack. I was 8 weeks pregnant and it was devastating. However, I found this on another blog and found that it touched me in an amazing way and actually made me smile through my tears. I hope it does the same for you:

    "The only other thing that someone told me was the Buddhist theory on stillborn and miscarried babies. I've mentioned it here multiple times, but it's so good, I'll say it again. The Buddhists believe that babies lost before they live are souls that have already taken many turns on this earth, and they have already endured all the suffering they needed to. They merely needed to touch on this earth one last time long enough to be loved, and they get to stop being reincarnated and go straight to Nirvana. "

    Peace to you. God bless.

    ReplyDelete
  25. So sorry to hear this. I want through 8 miscarriages (including one in the 2nd tri) before the universe brought our cherished twins into my life, so I truly do understand the devastation that this type of loss can bring. I do ultimately think though, as you have articulated, that things do ultimately happen the way they are meant to (at least most of the time). So I am glad you can find some peace in that. Maybe this baby was meant to play his/her brief role in your life to help clarify your other decisions which have been plaguing you. In any event, I'm sorry for your loss.

    ReplyDelete
  26. It still sucks, though. I'm really sorry you're going through this. (And I know it probably makes no difference, and that I am not a doctor or anything, but - I don't think this is your fault. It's just really awful.)

    ReplyDelete
  27. I'm sorry for your loss.

    ReplyDelete
  28. Just want to send you a big, big cyber-hug. Thank you for being so unconditionally honest about your situation. I admire that and I know you will give so many others support as they go through the same or similar.

    ReplyDelete
  29. I am so sorry Jen.....

    ReplyDelete
  30. Please know that their are people praying for you and wishing nothing but happiness for you and your family. This too shall pass.

    ReplyDelete
  31. Hi Jen,

    I didn't share my story because I didn't know if it would be annoying or comforting for you to hear everyone else's sob stories. But here's mine...

    Right before my son (16 months old) I had a miscarriage much like the one you describe. It was very early on. I got a positive pregnancy test, then a few days later started experiencing severe cramping and then bleeding. Mine wasn't really spotting though, it all happened during the course of 2 hours or so. So, it was heavier and a shorter period of time.

    My doctor said I should wait one cycle and try again. That's exactly what we did and 9 months later, I had a beautiful baby boy.

    While I was going through all of that, it was amazing and comforting to me to hear so many other people's stories. People were coming out of the woodwork telling me they had also experienced a miscarriage. It is so common. It doesn't mean you did anything wrong or that there's anything wrong with your body. It just means that baby wasn't for this world. Don't give up.

    You are an amazing mom and have amazing kids. Another baby would be blessed to join your family. Don't give up hope.

    I always appreciate your ability to keep things real. Many blogs are so sugar coated. I like coming your way for a good dose of reality.

    Keep your chin up...God Bless.

    Laura

    ReplyDelete
  32. Well, if your body looks anything like my body after having triplets, then I assure you the Land's End maternity clothing is probably right on the mark, regardless of this unfortunate outcome.

    I am so sorry you had to go through this and this terrible stressful month. Please try to take care of yourself.

    ReplyDelete
  33. So very sorry for your loss Jen. Lots of love to you & Charlie. xx Em

    ReplyDelete
  34. Oh, I am so, so, sorry. My heart aches for you and your loss.

    ReplyDelete
  35. I am sorry for your loss and completely understand the comments people can make. Shortly after my grandmother passed away (after 11 long days in hospice) we were all standing in the hallway when one of her caretakers said to my mom, "Man I bet tonight you are going to sleep like you are dead." It took all we had not to laugh out loud :)

    ReplyDelete
  36. I'm so, so sorry for your loss, Jen. We lost an early baby between my first and second child. I don't know that you ever get over it, but you do heal from the sharpness of the pain. I find it very comforting to realize that we have a son or daughter who will be waiting to meet us in heaven. Good bless you and your family.

    ReplyDelete
  37. Hugs and love! From here on, it can only get better. Enjoy the wine and keep trying. There is this great book called "Spirit babies" or so, and in "Babycatcher" she also talks about them. Your spirit baby realized this wasn't your best moment, so it decided to wait and to come back later. You just gotta believe in it and relax into it!

    ReplyDelete
  38. So sorry that you had a miscarriage.
    Sending prayers, hugs and peaceful thoughts.

    s_in_CT

    ReplyDelete
  39. I am so sorry to read you're going through all of this. A miscarriage is so hard and carries along with it many emotions. Thinking of you in Minnesota! Jeremi

    ReplyDelete
  40. I am so sorry for your loss. I experienced a miscarraige at 12 weeks myself....similar to your experience. While I know that God can use everything for good....while I know that the family I have right now is the family He wanted me to have, while I know that loosing "early" is probably easier than loosing "late".....it still hurts. It's still a loss. It is still something you have to grieve and mourn in your own time. I have a silver heart ornament that I put on the Christmas tree each year with the date that I lost my "littlet" one, and although I am the only one who knows about it, it brings me comfort to remember now. Sending you prayers and a hug....just keep breathing.
    Shannon

    ReplyDelete
  41. I'm so very sorry for your loss. Wishing you strength and peace, and I'll be keeping you in my thoughts.

    ReplyDelete
  42. I'm sorry, Jen - I know how much you wanted this miracle - maybe there will be another in the near future. I hope you find peace and comfort in your very awesome family - Best, Lori

    ReplyDelete
  43. Just goes to show you that even at the worst of times, we need our moms and they always say just the right thing!

    ReplyDelete
  44. I am very sorry for your loss. I lost my first baby at just about six weeks, and even though I had only known about the pregnancy for a week or so, I had still made so many plans. I wish you peace on this difficult journey.

    ReplyDelete
  45. I'm sorry. I've had a miscarriage as well. After a difficult pregnancy with twins I looked forward to the "perfect" pregnancy. It was not meant to be. It was not a normal miscarriage either, it lasted a month and ended in my 12th week of pregnancy. After that we decided as much as we would like a little girl we could not guarantee one or a healthy pregnancy so we decided the two we have are enough for us. My husband got a vasectomy about 14 weeks ago. I've mourned what I thought I would get, but I'm very realistic in that we don't get what we want sometimes. Life happens and it's not always kind to us.

    I wish you well in whatever decisions you make in the future.

    ReplyDelete
  46. I'm so sorry. A miscarriage sucks regardless of how many kids you have.

    ReplyDelete
  47. My heart goes out to you, I remember what it’s like only to well as I’ve been there myself six time. We have 3 children due to sutures and bed rest, but at times I thought I would never manage to carry long enough to get a living baby. I am glad you can see God’s life lessons in it all despite the sorrow and pain because I think that is the most important thing we keep when it’s all over.
    I love the lyrics to this old hymn:

    He giveth more grace as our burdens grow greater,
    He sendeth more strength as our labors increase;
    To added afflictions He addeth His mercy,
    To multiplied trials he multiplies peace.

    When we have exhausted our store of endurance,
    When our strength has failed ere the day is half done,
    When we reach the end of our hoarded resources
    Our Father’s full giving is only begun.

    His love has no limits, His grace has no measure,
    His power no boundary known unto men;
    For out of His infinite riches in Jesus
    He giveth, and giveth, and giveth again.

    **You keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on you, because he trusts in you. —Isaiah 26:3

    ReplyDelete
  48. So Sorry to read of the loss of your pregnancy, so sorry Jen.
    Ruth

    ReplyDelete
  49. I am so sorry for your loss. The description of the cloud was so beautiful. I pray the sun will warm you all again soon.

    ReplyDelete
  50. I'm so sorry. Hugs.

    Steph A

    ReplyDelete
  51. I just wanted to express how sorry I am to read this sad news.

    With my losses the roller coaster between logical thought and devastated grief was so extreme - it was a nightmare ride and I just wanted it to end.I was in such a hurry to 'get back to normal' that I didn't pause and realize for a long time that perhaps 'normal' as I had previously know it was not meant to come back.

    I desperately needed to acknowledge these little lives, as tiny and fleeting as they were and through much soul searching I decided to plant a tree. Such a small act, but one I am so glad of every day. I chose a blood orange, a fruit that I love and so fitting - with the blood that I shed and the tears that I wept. I wanted a tree that would bring joy and beauty, and produce a gift that I could share with the world; because for the short time I carried these little people within me, each and every time I was filled to bursting with joy and hope and was so grateful of the gift that I hoped and prayed I would be able to share with the world. And although for those little ones it ended with a shattered heart, the moments before it ended were too precious to forget.

    And now I am 29 weeks pregnant, and so scared and so humbled that I have been given this chance to be a mum to another wonderful little man - and I watch my son Alex grow and blossom everyday and give endlessly simply just by being here...it makes me mourn a little every day for our three little lives lost in between.And when I look at the beautiful I am filled with grace and know that they will be never be forgotten so they are never really gone.

    All the best wishes, for you and your beautiful family x

    ReplyDelete
  52. I am so sorry for your and your family's loss. My nanny used to say that when a child went to heaven it was because we and they had experienced what we were supposed to. Basically the purpose could have been just as simple as touching your life in the way you have experienced.

    Our prayers are with you.

    ReplyDelete
  53. I am so sorry for your loss. I have been praying for you and your family. c

    ReplyDelete
  54. I will be praying for you and Charlie. And the kids too.

    Marla @ www.asthefarmturns.wordpress.com

    ReplyDelete
  55. Good girl - you are still being positive. Not TMI - have been checking every day to see if you are okay.

    You will get through - because you are tough - otherwise you would never have survived and thrived in such a male dominated industry (because only the really tough make it past 5 years).

    ReplyDelete
  56. Keeping you and your family in our thoughts and prayers! Laughter gets us through a lot! Our family just went through a lot of grief/struggle and you get tired of crying and moping around. It's so great to laugh and see the joy in the little things no matter how small in a situation that seems so huge and uncontrollable. Best of luck!

    ReplyDelete
  57. Hi, I just wanted to say I'm sorry. And that I'm thinking of you halfway round the world. Sandie in Singapore

    ReplyDelete
  58. I am so sorry Jen. Wish I could give you a hug. So very sorry. Love, Marg.

    ReplyDelete
  59. Have you seen this video?
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qybUFnY7Y8w&feature=PlayList&p=A62302F98CC09085&playnext_from=PL&index=0&playnext=1
    Something to take your mind off of things...

    ReplyDelete
  60. I'm sure someone has already guided you to the site, but www.audreycaroline.blogspot.com is about a family's journey through losing a child. She, Angie Smith, has also written a book called I Will Carry You that I just finished reading. Amazing woman. Amazing family.

    Our family will send prayers up for you during this difficult time.

    ReplyDelete
  61. I'm so sorry Jen. You can be logical and rational and see it coming a mile away (it was very obvious that I was going to miscarry my first pregnancy, for reasons I won't get into here and now), but that doesn't change the emotions that accompany the loss.

    Hugs to you and your family.

    ReplyDelete
  62. Wishing you lots and lots and lots of sunshine to warm you up during this hard time! I'm praying that God gives you both peace and clear direction re: your future decisions..work, house, & more! HUGS!

    ReplyDelete
  63. oh, your mom's comment at the end of the call made me chuckle.

    I'm so sorry you are going through this.

    Wishing you lots of sunbeams and hugs from your munchkins.

    love,
    D

    ReplyDelete
  64. Amen on the laughter! Just yesterday, shortly after I again thought about exactly how far along I would have been had I not lost the baby, I was walking through the office when suddenly I felt a nippy breeze and fabric restricting my movement down around my ankles! My pants TOTALLY FELL DOWN IN THE MIDDLE OF THE OFFICE! And it was hysterical! I don't know anybody that has ever had their pants totally fall down, but it happened to me. I laughed so hard I just about wet myself! I felt so much better after I finally caught my breath and wiped the tears of laughter from my eyes, and I continued to laugh about it all day today. :-)

    ReplyDelete
  65. I know these lyrics are part of a love song but they fit so perfectly for those of us who have lost a baby.

    Like a breath of spring, she/he came and left and I still don't know why. So here's to you and whoever holds my baby blue tonight.

    ReplyDelete
  66. I posted about Angie Smith's book, I Will Carry You. Well, the ebook is free right now at barnes & noble if you want to download it. Save yourself a trip & a few bucks. Here's the link:

    http://search.barnesandnoble.com/I-Will-Carry-You/Angie-Smith/e/9781433670855

    ReplyDelete
  67. I think the hardest with an early miscarriage is not just the high of first anticipation and the low of it ending so soon, but the incredible slam of hormones - weeping to laughing to weeping to laughing until you feel exhausted. It was seriously the hardest out-of-control emotional thing I ever experienced, and I think it was really hard for people around me to realize what I was feeling because to them it seemed like it was a short and surprising pregnancy, so how much REALLY could it have affected me? Uh, a LOT. All this to say that I totally know where you are coming from. And I love your sunbeam/cloud analogy. You are an insightful and brilliant mom and I'm thinking of you.

    ReplyDelete
  68. Oh my Miss American Pie I am so sorry about the miscarriage but even more sorry that I was not there for you to offer my love and support. I am always here and as bad as I want another child, I don't feel as though you are selfish. I adore your family and your accomplishments. You make me want to strive for more. I pledge to attempt to follow you more and catch up. I love you.

    ReplyDelete