random questions on a tuesday afternoon

Is it possible to live off of yogurt alone?

My boy - who discovered our Christmas supply and has not taken off his Santa hat for the past two days - believes that YES, it is.

It sure would make my life easier if I could feed the kids yogurt three times a day. If there is fruit in the yogurt, does that cover two food groups? And if I gave them a side of Goldfish, would that make it three?

Why is it that before our children were potty trained, whenever they got near the toilet all they wanted to do was flush it. But now that they actually know how to use it - they never flush anymore? Has anyone with children ever installed an automatic toilet in their house?

Why is it that whenever I ask the children to go wash their hands, they will protest and put up such a fight, you'd think I was asking them to soak in hydrochloric acid. But when I finally get them to the sink, I have to drag them away because all they want to do is splash in the water and make bubbles?

Why do I have such an inexplicable craving to inhale eat chocolate every afternoon at 2:30 PM? And since I am well aware of this fact, why did I think it was a good idea to throw out all of *our* Halloween candy? Is it wrong that I have an inexplicable craving for a glass of wine every night? If it is - DON'T TELL ME.

How is it possible that my 3-Day walk is in TEN (10) days and during my first 'workout' in more than a month, this past weekend, I hurt my sciatic nerve to the point that I yelp every time I sit down, stand up and roll over? Mommy - where are you?

Why do I have to repeat any request no less than fifteen times, or approximately five times per five year old child? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY?

Why do people 'heart' things? Why don't they just say that they 'love' something? It's not like they are shortening up the word, since heart is actually longer than love. Would somebody please explain?

When will I learn my lesson that I cannot donate items to Goodwill when the children are in the house? Why must they go through the various bags and pull out broken toys and try to tell me that although they haven't looked at the toy for over a year, that they heart LOVE it and want to play with it EVERYDAY? Why won't they wear the clothes that fit them and instead, insist on wearing pajamas to bed that they outgrew almost two years ago?

Why is it that my children go to bed so easily when they are well rested - and yet they fight me tooth and nail when they are overtired? How did I get three babies to sleep through the night when they were four months old, and I still can't get one toddler to sleep through the night at 28-months old? Did I dream it - or did I really take a SCREAMING Henry outside last night at 2 AM and threaten to lock him in the car if he didn't stop wailing and wake up the entire house?

Why do people think that getting sick as a child builds your immunity as an adult? I was a child. I was sick. Now as an adult, I catch all the same viruses that my children do. Where's MY immunity? Why does the right side of my jaw get a crazy insane twangy feeling every time I eat something sweet? Or tart? Or salty? Why am I such a freak that I think it might be terminal? And where on the earth are my girls two left shoes? They are still missing.

Why is it that women have a sense about the fashion condition and safety of their children that men seem to lack? Why is it that Charlie doesn't even notice when the kids go out in public wearing galoshes, a bathing suit top and a velvet skirt AND even though I wasn't in the room, I sensed that our toddler walked past my husband, directly under his nose, as he stood in an open doorway talking to a neighbor and took off running down the street?

Why is it that I have no clue how to use our stereo after almost three years and if my husband doesn't turn off the speakers that are wired in to different rooms before he leaves the house, they will stay on all day? Why does he get so mad at me when I just disconnect all the wires from the back of the receiver because I have a conference call and cannot have CLASSIC VINYL piping through every room?

Is (or are?) there more than one of these trucks? If not how is it possible that I have seen the same one the past four times I've driven to Los Angeles on the 405? Is it just coincidence that I'm in close proximity to the same vehicle driven by a retired ... uh ... marine? prisoner of war? poet? taxidermist? that enjoys cruising up and down one of the busiest freeways in California?

What EXACTLY is he trying to tell us?

And do you think those rocket launchers on the side are just for decoration?