With that, I present Exhibit A, a spreadsheet that I recently found during a purge of my office - dating back to December of 2004 - that time in life when we had three newborns and no more than two hours of consecutive sleep for several weeks in a row.
Speaking of newborns, one of my numerous new year's resolutions is to be a better mother. Particularly in regards to my patience threshold and better use of language. I'm so deeply ashamed to admit it, but raising three (almost four) teenagers can be as challenging as $&% and sometimes, bad words come out. Usually when I'm confronted with a snarky attitude from a child who has a life of such privilege, I don't understand why they're not on their knees giving abundant thanks ALL the time?
In the normal course of life, I'm really not one to use profanity, but it's a reflexive thing, like when you slice your finger with a knife, or stub your toe so badly the nail comes off. It erupts with virtually no warning and usually before I even realize it's happened. I know it's wrong, and I'm working so hard on it. Dear God, please help me to use better words when I'm frustrated. Perhaps give me a heavenly nudge to take a moment and breathe - or better yet, render me temporarily and divinely mute.
I've resolved to put away the electronics - particularly my phone just before bedtime and immediately upon awakening. I'm not on my phone much during the day, but I do immerse myself in the news and world happenings before I doze off to sleep - and when I first wake up - and I seriously think that it has had an adverse impact on my health and overall well being. It certainly seems that between global warming, gushing political vitriol, and a lack of tolerance and compassion the world over - I'm feeling quite depleted watching the slow motion train wreck of what the media is portraying as a decay of morale values and human decency.
I've also resolved to give thanks and practice intense gratitude. Instead of picking up my phone and firing up a news app, I'll start my day by reading something inspirational. I will light a candle - and reflect on my breath and offer my sincere thanks for life in this moment.
I'm resolving that 2019 will be a wonderful year for fitness and a renewed focus on health. Everything is bigger in Texas - including my pant size and I intend to reverse that alarming trend. Charlie bought me an Apple Watch for Christmas and after a week of sitting in it's package - I fired it up, today. By June, I expect to be 25 pounds lighter on my feet and have a resting heart rate slower than it is right now. I also intend to stand for 12 hours a day - or more likely, figure out how to change that absurd setting on my watch. (Anyone know if that's possible? Charlie tells me no?!)
Lastly, I will be doing my best to look for God's fingerprints every day. Today, I certainly experienced a situation that cemented this date as the most wonderfully memorable New Year's Day in the history of my lifetime.
Without going in to all of the details: we lost my Dad 3.5 years ago - and one month later - my family was ripped apart in a way that I never would have imagined. It was quite possibly, one of the worst and most painful times in my entire life. White was black; light was dark; up was down; right was wrong. For several weeks, I couldn't sleep - nor eat - nor do much of anything except cry and second guess everything that I once held dear. In the midst of my grief over losing my father - and during the move from Virginia to Texas when two of our children were recovering from a tonsillectomy and I received a bilateral brain tumor diagnosis .... one of my seven siblings became completely estranged from the rest of us. It was beyond ugly, an extremely difficult time that created a lot of deep wounds that may never heal. And yet, the other six of us pulled together in a way I never imagined would have been possible. It was an extremely poignant time that eventually - and transformationally - reaffirmed my faith that everything, EVERYTHING, has a purpose and is an opportunity to grow closer to God. It just takes the right attitude.
Long story short: the one sibling who isolated themselves from the rest of the family - has a child who was married last night - and several of my family members, despite what they've been through and any resentment they may be harboring, rallied together and attended our nephew's New Year's Eve wedding. Charlie and I didn't attend because we're 2000 miles away. And, well, I'm still quite hurt over what transpired in 2015-2016. But some of my siblings - and their children - did show up. They traveled in from out of state, and showed up BIG and with great LOVE.
Tonight, the children decided that in light of the New Year - they wanted to embark on a Polar Bear Plunge. Elizabeth was first to go - and she was terrified. She knew the pool was at least 40 degrees colder than the hot tub, but after several long minutes - she summoned the strength and she jumped. While all of her siblings jeered and challenged her sanity - she took the plunge.
She was invigorated, and she inspired her siblings - one by one - all four of them - to follow suit. Once they were in the pool, once they got over the fear of jumping - and the shock and discomfort of the icy cold water enveloping their warm bodies - they, too were invigorated. But more importantly, they were so triumphant in their conquest.
THEY DID IT!
I think that's how it is with forgiveness. It can be so hard - and so painful - to let go. It can be terrifying to think of the discomfort, the bitterness and resentment - and hurt. But once you decide to take the plunge, that discomfort lasts only a moment. The result is invigorating. And the courage it took to make the leap is contagious.
I'd like to give a shout out to my sister, Eileen, who has inspired us all to love unconditionally and to have as much fun as possible each step of the way. For her birthday this past year, she sent everyone $20.00 with the request that each of us find someone else to bless. Here she is donning her perspectacles: those magical glasses that give one the power of perspective.
To my big brother, Wally, who despite his bravado and comical sense, is one of the most gentle and sensitive souls I know. I'm so impressed by him, I've been in tears thinking about his motto, "We're here for a good time.... not a long time!" Mom is so proud of you. And I know Dad would be so proud of you, too.
To my mother - and my Aunt Grace - who together - Hail Mary, Full of Grace... are the epitome of loyalty and support - and consistently demonstrate for the rest of us, how to forgive and lovingly show up for your family. As my mother says, "There are NO accidents." And as my Aunt Grace says, "Anything is possible with chocolate." Amen. And AMEN.
This year I will do my best to remember:
Each challenge in life - is an opportunity to grow.
Keep your eyes and hearts open: miracles abound because God's Fingerprints are on everything.
Seeing isn't believing: believing is seeing.
Take the plunge. Love. Laugh. Breathe.
Stand up - move around - and close those
Happy New Year!
