howdy, howdy, hey

Tonight, as I was walking to my car through teen-degree temperatures and thinking how much fun this bitter cold devoid-of-snow weather is, but Spring is starting to sound pretty exciting too ... I made the decision that after I arrived home and was swarmed with hugs from my children and we sat down and ate dinner and then cleared off the table and got ready for bed and read bedtime stories and were tucked in, I was going to sit down and update my blog.

Because it's been a while.

And it's not that I haven't wanted to update my blog. There have been so many things that I've wanted to write about I don't even know where to begin and the energy to get my thoughts in to a cohesive stream far exceeds my ability. Also, the whole process of bringing work home every night and staying up until at least 2 AM exerting vast amounts of mental effort on highly time-sensitive projects has severely impacted my blog time. But tonight, I intentionally left my computer at the office because what the heck ... I'll be there again in less than ten hours, anyway.

I'm really enjoying my work, although, I must admit, every so often I feel a wave of panic wash completely over me when I stop and look around and think about this career path that I'm on and my babies! They are growing up so fast! And I can't remember what they're wearing today? And I didn't make their breakfast or lunch and chances are, will have absolutely no involvement in the preparation of their dinner. And it's not ME who is with them for the bulk of their waking hours and ... and ... and...

How far will I go down this road, before I figure out what I'm doing?

When I think about the alternative of being home with the children full time, the dream is so cozy and so lovely. Because somehow, despite the fact I can be driven to the brink in less than 15 minutes on a typical day, when I'm home full-time, I'm miraculously immune to the insanity that often occurs in a house with four small children.

Is that even plausible?

Without medication?

By and large, our house is a very peaceful place. But there are four kids and sometimes, they lack volume control and the ability to successfully manage their emotions. Which, after a sustained period of time, can have an adverse effect on me - it would appear, even more so than my husband. He is so very good with them, it makes me question my ability. Even still, there's a primitive pull for me, as their mother, to be home with our children. If I close my eyes, I can actually see myself with them. We're running through a field of clover. But wait. Why are those people chasing me?

With a net?

Are they coming to take me away?

What with all these thoughts swirling in my head, I'm also trying to sort out a trip to Massachusetts. My father, who we just saw earlier this month, fell down a few days ago and has been in the hospital. Today, he was moved to a rehabilitation facility and while I'm optimistic he is on the mend, I'd still like to go see him. Life is so fragile and so fleeting. And sometimes, far too complicated and busy.



Why, it makes me want to shrug off all my responsibilities, put on a pink tutu and get pushed around the house on a wooden pirate ship.