It wasn't very long ago, I could not imagine our children ever leaving the nest and going out in to the world on their own. And I couldn't imagine that I would ever want them to leave. The mere thought of it was traumatizing to my mama's heart.
Their maturity and independence has accelerated since we moved to Vermont where they are nonstop busy with school, sports, work, and friends. As they have become more mature (on the run and driving everywhere), Charlie and I have found ourselves consciously stepping back - holding on a little less tightly - and giving them more freedom and space to figure things out. It has been a whole bag of emotions with lots of deep breaths - tongue biting - and resignation / acceptance that comes from letting THEM figure things out.
Sometimes, there is a fuzzy line between what they should figure out on their own, and what we must insist upon, in the spirit of setting healthy boundaries and expectations for people on the brink of adulthood.
For example, their bedrooms are all on a different floor from our primary living space - and for the past few months, I've consciously turned a blind eye to the environment that has evolved. My mindset has been that perhaps after a certain period of time living in a mess - they will come to the conclusion that life is better when there isn't mold actively growing out of your communal trashcan. This decision to avoid the kids' living space has also been a physical and mental one: it thoroughly exhausts me to a cellular and existential level cleaning up after four abled body humans.
But I seem to forget that every so often.
Last Friday, was their Winter Ball dance, and I suspected a large number of kids, who would come by our house after the dance for cards and snacks, would likely spend the night. Especially since a snowstorm would be rolling in to town around the same time and I don't like them driving in those conditions. So Friday morning, I thought I'd take my day off of work to go upstairs and tidy up. Ten hours later, as I was hauling down the last bag of trash / donations - I loudly swore to myself - Charlie - the kids - and all of their friends/witnesses who by this time, had gathered at our home to get ready for the dance - it would never get this bad again.
There might have been just a tad bit of soapboxing to everyone who had gathered, regarding how hard parents work for their kids, and how as those kids grow - they really need to pull their own weight. I never "correct / discipline" our kids when other kids are around, but I felt like this was an excellent teaching moment.
LOOK AROUND YOU!
Take an inventory of what needs to be done and recognize that even though it isn't all going to benefit you, it is a good thing to do, anyway. Maybe it isn't *all* your trash in the trash can, but what a nice gesture to just bring the trash out. Ditto to recycling the empty bottles of shampoo and conditioner in the shower, wiping down the nasty bathroom countertop and replenishing the toilet paper roll. Towels have a ton of amazing qualities, but unfortunately, none of them possess the ability to hang themselves up. The kitchen is where food belongs. Not in a closet with half of our cutlery.
Let's not live like swine, okay?
The snow was falling at a steady pace by the time the kids, dressed in their finest, departed for the dance in multiple cars. I literally held my hands up and prayed over each one of them as they walked out the front door. "Be safe you guys, no speeding, take your time. Have fun! BE SAFE!"
On their way home from the dance, Carolyn snapped off a picture of Henry with his friends in the backseat of our old truck, and texted it to me with the caption, "A car full of freshman!" My happy smile was quickly replaced with a frown when my eagle eyes picked up that there were four kids ... with only three seatbelts ... which none of them were wearing.
My fury was so great, because I'd *just* read the story to our kids about the UGA football player that was ejected from the car and died, a few hours following the championship party.
It often happens that I'll read a story from the news to the kids, and they'll collectively gasp and say, "Here we go again ... they did something stupid and they allll died." (insert eye roll) My mother used to tell me stories all the time when I was a kid - to reinforce how the simplest things, can lead to the deadliest consequences if you don't think through what's the worst that could happen. The fact that I've been fortunate enough to avoid tragedy at 51-years of age suggests that I have navigated some precarious situations because I've used my head. And, also, because I must have a guardian angel and have been very lucky. (I started to digress and write stories about guardian angels, who intercede on our behalf, but I'll save that for some other time.)
Suffice to say, when all the kids (and their friends) returned to our house that evening we had a "talk". Despite their efforts of trying to convey how slowly they were traveling, and there were no other cars on the road, and how the kids were packed so tightly they couldn't have moved in the car, I explained that THE LAW OF PHYSICS doesn't make exceptions. If they hit a patch of ice and slid ... if another car hit them ... if something unexpected happened - like a deer running out on the road - those who were not buckled could potentially be catapulted from the vehicle. Not only are they putting their younger brother at risk - they are putting his friends at risk. AND, their behavior is being observed by the younger kids. If these "older teens" are so cool and willing to take risks / not follow the law, maybe they can do that, too? THEY ARE ALWAYS BEING OBSERVED, let their behavior be a positive example for others!
How would they like to have a conversation with someone's parents that, "I'm so sorry your child died because I didn't make them do something as simple as buckle up?" Furthermore, aside from the intense tragedy of an accident - their lives would forever be altered - possible jail time, and significant financial repercussions that could extend beyond them - to us.
I told all the kids gathered that they should never - never ever - drive a vehicle without making sure everyone is buckled. If they don't want to buckle up, don't drive. My parting words, before I beat them all in Uno, was that if they take anything away from my rants tonight, let it be to: 1) clean up after yourself and always take out the trash and 2) never drive without making sure every one is buckled up, including them. My kids visibly squirmed as I told them - and their friends - I love them all so much and don't ever want to see something bad that is totally preventable, happen to them.
Teenagers know a lot, but they definitely don't know everything - I often remind them, their brains are not fully formed until 25. So as they do more nest swooping, they better do it with seatbelts securely fastened. Or, well, mama might eat them alive.
