Tuesday, June 23, 2009

the bad samaritan(s)

I took all four children in to a public restroom today.

Upon our entry, it was evident we were the only ones in there. Which is a good thing because I like having a public restroom all to myself. Or ourselves, as the case may be. But while we were in the stall - someone came in and took up the stall next to us.

And well.

They had gas.

A lot of gas.

If you haven't spent time around a four-year-old lately, you might not know they are extremely observant and they enjoy talking. A lot.

So there I am. With four little children. Three of whom are very loud talkers and they ask me in a startled tone, "What's THAT noise?!" Almost immediately, they realize what THAT noise is and they begin commenting on the person in the stall directly next to us.

"Mommy! Someone is going TOOT TOOT on the TOOT train!!"

Followed by the four-year-old symphony of, "Beans, beans, the magic fruit! The more you eat, the more you TOOT!"

Instead of shushing my children, which really wouldn't have had much effect, I did what any other horrified mother, born of the 70's might do. I burst in to singing some totally random Carpenters song as loudly as I could to try and drown out my offspring.

"SUCH A FEELING'S COMING OVER ME! THERE IS WONDER IN MOST EVERYTHING I SEE! NOT A CLOUD IN THE SKY GOT THE SUN IN MY EYE AND I WON'T BE SURPRISED IF IT'S A DREAM!"

I finish lifting three children on and off the toilet, while trying to keep the toddler from pulling used feminine products out of the small wall-mounted trashcan and we make, what I hope, is a very hasty exit to the sinks.

While I'm standing at the sinks desperately trying to wash my children's hands and thinking that perhaps a squirt of Purell might do the job just as well because I've never been in such a rush to get out of a public bathroom, the occupant of the adjacent stall joins us at the sink.

Now I will go to my grave wondering why this woman couldn't have waited 30 seconds for me and my brood of chatters to leave before she came out. But there she was. Next to us at the sinks. And while I expeditiously tried to get the excessive amount of soap off my children's hands that they had squirted up to their elbows, one of my children looked up at this woman and sweetly inquired if she felt better?

And gosh, what did she eat?

I know that our children will one day soon learn that talking about someone's flatulence in a public restroom is inappropriate. But I didn't feel it would be appropriate for me to give them that lesson - at that very moment in time. Just like I didn't feel like it would be appropriate to give a lecture on anatomy in the public restroom at Costco.

So, I just kept smiling and singing and trying to appear oblivious to the conversation taking place two feet below me. All the while my children looked up at me with confused expressions as I tried to encourage them to stop! talking! and! start! singing!

"I'M ON THE TOP OF THE WORLD LOOKING DOWN ON CREATION AND THE ONLY EXPLANATION I CAN FIND IS THE LOVE THAT I FOUND EVER SINCE YOU'VE BEEN AROUND, YOUR LOVE PUTS ME AT THE TOP OF THE WORLD!"

I'm hopeful that one day, I'll look back on this and think it's hilarious.

Today, I'm just really thankful that I'm so good at remembering song lyrics.

27 comments:

  1. Hilarious! Did the woman acknowledge their questions at all?

    ReplyDelete
  2. YES! See, this post is more like it. Hilarious!
    Poops and farts. Welcome back!

    LOL

    XOXOXO AM

    ReplyDelete
  3. But I think it's hilarious.

    That counts right?

    ReplyDelete
  4. Cosco's will probably close down the bean dip.
    Don't ever stop them from saying what they want to say, except...I am so glad I have a fat friend.

    ReplyDelete
  5. This had me rolling! You are such a great mom. Kids will be kids and it's good to see parents allowing that. I'm sure the lady in the restroom understood...well she did if she ever had children.

    ReplyDelete
  6. Bravo!! Applause! Applause! Standing Ovation here. And just what I needed! Thanks for the great laugh and building of endorphins! That was absolutely hysterical!!!!!
    ;-) Love, Marg

    Although it doesn't leave you or Anne Marie off the hook! SOS on the goodies. (promise to sha...)

    ReplyDelete
  7. Perhaps you should sing, "Pop the Magic Dragon" or something about the "Wind in the Willows".
    Those kids will keep you laughing for years---how great it is and that you can document it.
    MOM

    ReplyDelete
  8. Wow. I've got one 3 year old and I think it's hard enough trying to get her out of the public bathroom. How did the flattulant woman respond to your trips? It seems as though she didn't answer their questions....

    ReplyDelete
  9. OMG, this is the funniest story yet. I'm crying!

    ReplyDelete
  10. How funny is that!

    Thanks for visiting my blog :)

    ReplyDelete
  11. I cannot stop laughing at this story. I could barely read it to mom. Do tell though...what did the lady say in response to the questions? Your kids are too funny!

    ReplyDelete
  12. That's hilarious! Did she feel better, haha. Your life must be so filled with wonderful stories such as this.

    ReplyDelete
  13. Apparently, I'm in the mood for a good fart joke : ) I just couldn't stop laughing! My family thinks I'm nuts.

    ReplyDelete
  14. LOLOLOL! I got nothin' to say.

    ReplyDelete
  15. It is amazing what children say.

    ReplyDelete
  16. AWESOME! Thanks for the laugh! Toot-Toot!!!

    ReplyDelete
  17. Oh, BTW, was the person in stall next to you, Mark?

    ReplyDelete
  18. I'm sure at some point you will be rolling on the floor laughing - perhaps when they're 30???

    ReplyDelete
  19. i'm still reeling from the realization that YOU TOOK PHOTOS IN THE BATHROOM!

    i knew i loved you.

    ReplyDelete
  20. Fantastic! This story has totally made my day!

    ReplyDelete
  21. Had to read it again - to get in my morning funnies! ;-) I am still rolling on the floor. Such a funny story! Marg

    ReplyDelete
  22. At least they didn't sing the English version.
    Beans, beans are good for your heart,
    The mre you eat the more you fart, Ther more you fart the better you feel
    So let's have beans for every meal.

    ReplyDelete
  23. Oh my! What a great post! I am laughing right now, but can imagine your embarassment.

    ReplyDelete
  24. I love that song. I have several "Carpenters" songs on my Ipod. You have good taste in music. If I were that lady I would have set up permanent residence in that bathroom stall. I would have given you guys PLENTy of time to get out.

    ReplyDelete
  25. How excellent! See, my trouble is that when I'm in those situations, the only song I can think of is the Star-Spangled Banner or sometimes an Italian opera piece pops in my head--something I had to perform in college (I was a vocal performance major). All tooting aside, that turns heads like nothing else. So I'll have to save me up some Carpenter's songs for our next public bathroom trip. Boy, your blog is so educational! ;)

    ~Shaye

    ReplyDelete
  26. OMG. HILARIOUS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I may think of this every single time I go in a public restroom with my kids for the rest of my life.

    ReplyDelete