on church and triathlons

I've found that I'm fielding a lot of deep questions these days, chief among them, "Is God real and how do we really, REALLY know?"  



In short answer, I know because I've experienced far too many things that are otherwise unexplained, and, I genuinely feel it in my heart.  Moreover, there is what I perceive to be not enough scientific evidence to disclaim it.  Also, the alternative is rather bleak, so if given the choice of believing or not believing - I'll believe every day of the week and twice on Sunday.  Amen.

Of course, this has been my own personal evolution and I cannot fool myself in to thinking that I can convince anyone to believe what I believe.  So I encourage our kids to ask questions and look at this from every possible angle.  In doing so - I'm certain they will come to their own conclusions and if their conclusions are aligned with mine, they too will have a faith that is immovable.  (Most days.)

Up until two months ago, we'd been going to church, religiously. As in - every week - for the past ten years.  As the children continue this undeterred process of growing older, having the solid foundation that an organized religion offers, has become extremely important to me. Not because I'm particularly distracted with eternal salvation - but because exposing children to religion and nurturing hope in young hearts that there is something greater than us in control, and we each have a truly divine purpose for existence, is a critical fact to remember when you are a child, and when you're raising children. (Especially teenagers.) 

In our quest, we've visited a lot of churches over the past decade and our experience reminds me of "It's Not Easy Being a Bunny."  With yours truly in the starring role of P.J. Funnybunny.   But instead of assimilating with the bears, and the birds, and the beavers, and the moose ... I've attempted assimilation with the the Catholics, Unitarians, Presbyterians, Baptists and Quakers.  (To name just a few.)

After  a lot of searching, and moving across the country, two years ago we finally felt like we'd found our place.  Our children were all dedicated in the Unitarian church when they were babies, but last year, all four of them were baptized in the United Methodist church and the triplets went through Confirmation.   Around the same time, Charlie and I took a personality test that was designed to help us understand our spiritual gifts, and explore ways to serve in order to best use those gifts. Turns out, we are on the completely opposite ends of the spectrum for personality, but we both scored high in the service of hospitality.  



Using that information, I took up a job as a Sunday morning greeter because it's not enough to just go to service each week, you also need to serve to be a genuine part of the CHURCH.  But after several months, I found that I was becoming really discouraged by the number of people who would not acknowledge me, or my efforts of handing them a service program (fickle, right??)  What started out as a simple observation grew until each week, I'd be overwhelmed by what I perceived to be incivility.   It amazed me how many people would walk in and without making eye contact, take a program from the stack in my hands, and not utter a "thank you" or "good morning" or "hey" or "move it" or … anything.  Why not just put a basket next to the door, so people can get their own programs?

I'm laughing at how trite this is, and realizing it is my own flaw, this feeling of being snubbed. But I'm human so can admit that what I perceived to be a lack of acknowledgement - - week after week - - from not all, but a significant percentage of parishioners, drastically diminished my enthusiasm for not only wanting to serve - but to worship beside them.  I might have even thought to myself and said once or thrice to my husband, "How can these people call themselves Christians?! Pfft!"

"Judge not, lest ye be not judged."  Yes, yes. I know.  Thank you, Matthew.

Meanwhile, 2/3 of my teenagers didn't want to attend the teen's service, because they would tell me that they were the only ones that didn't have cell phones and they felt out of place. Thinking that this was the latest ploy to convince me that they all needed their own cell phones, I popped in one day and in my 60-second scan, identified that were two distinct groups of kids:

1) Those that were in clusters, holding their cell phones and laughing together as they stared at the cell phone screens; and

2) Those kids that were solitary but had on headphones that were plugged in to their phones to either demonstrate that:

A) They are busy listening to music, or

B) They want to appear busy listening to music so no one will notice that they are alone.

Either way, since our kids didn't have cell phones, they didn't fit in with either group.  And, this just further justified my reasoning for not wanting to buy them their own. Please for the love of all that is holy - talk with people.  Look them in their eyes and ENGAGE.  And if you cannot understand that, my apologies children, your mother was born in the wrong millennium and cannot - for the life of her - get on board with what kids do in this modern era.  Now go outside and jump rope while I hang the laundry to dry.



Anyway, that was two months ago, and we haven't really been back to church since.  Even though I love the work we'd do with the outreach missions, and the music, and the message, my feelings were genuinely hurt.   It felt like I was searching out people's eyes to smile and make human connection to let them know "I see you!" but didn't feel like I was getting that, or very much, in return.

After a lot of prayer and inward reflection, I've realized that this may be part of the divine lesson we're supposed to be learning in this moment.  This is how I see it:

I) Everyone - everyone - not just wants, but actually needs to be seen and acknowledged.   That includes the cashier at the grocery store, the pizza delivery man, the bus driver, the person handing out programs at the church, and the dog.

II) Everyone - everyone - is going through something.  That includes the kids that have noses buried in their phones, or the people that are walking in to the church and don't make eye contact. Something tells me, they desperately need to feel important and a part of something, just as we all do. 

III) We are all comprised of energy and how we use it can either be positive, negative, or neutral. Positive energy is far better for our hearts, souls, family, community, and world - than negative or neutral energy.

IV) When we're in a negative or neutral energy funk - and it will happen because we're human - give yourself a break. And then, go stand in the sun - allow it to warm you from the outside in.  Marvel at the beauty of a leaf, or a bug, or the clouds overhead - and get over it.   

V) Don't take other people's negative or neutral reactions to you personally. It's really not about you. Instead, we need to keep harnessing our positive energy and after warming ourselves, reflecting what we have remaining - outwards.  

VI) No one said it would be easy, but the rewards of a life well lived and loved, are awesome.  Dig deep and keep going.  

Yesterday, we had the opportunity to see all of these lessons in action, as we cheered on athletes at the Texas IronMan competition.  We didn't get down to the race until 12 hours after it had started, and set ourselves up on the marathon course, while participants made their way past.  

While any one who participates in an IronMan is amazing - in my book - these people we were cheering on, weren't elite athletes who finished in under 10 hours.  No, these were the folks who had been out on the course for the better part of the day, were at various stages of running a MARATHON and were exhausted to their cores.

We were there, specifically, to cheer on a good friend of ours, who we were following on the IronMan tracker and had seen that he was starting to drag hard.  His transition between bike and run was nearly 20 minutes, and as we watched his run time creep from a 14-minute per mile pace, to nearly 20-minutes per mile, we decided to ride our bikes down to the course.  As a former marathoner myself, I knew this wasn't looking good if he hoped to finish before midnight and/or not get picked up by the ambulance.

Initially, we were just ringing our cow bell, but I soon noticed that we could see the racer's names on their racing bibs. So I started shouting, "Good job, Amy!"  or "Way to go Bob!"  At first the kids were totally embarrassed, and tried to hide as I yelled out all the names. But very soon, when they saw the immediate effect it was having on the people who were racing - so they got on the front lines and were cheering on these racers, like nothing I could've imagined.  Carolyn surpassed even me, and took home the top cheerleading award for the day. "WAY TO GO AL JAN DREW! YOU ARE DOING INCREDIBLE! KEEP IT UP!"

(OK, so I had to help with a few name pronunciations, like Alejandro.)  

What the kids realized was that when people were individually seen, and recognized, and cheered - it had an immediate impact.   While not everyone smiled or nodded or acknowledged that we were there (one poor guy immediately threw up his Gatorade in a nearby bush), the vast majority of people visibly brightened because of the positive energy they were receiving.  

As the sun set, I had to drag the kids off the course, because they didn't want to leave. Carolyn pleaded, "Mom, we can't go!  This race isn't over!  They really need us out here cheering them on that they can do it!" In fact, as we rode our bikes home, she kept one hand on the cow bell and continued cheering people on, until we were out of sight.  

In the end, isn't that what it's all about?  

Showing up, acknowledging each other, lifting each other up with positive energy, and doing it for as long as you possibly can.  Divine Lessons.  At least that's the way I see it.  

Also, we need to get back to church something fierce. Whenever I attend a service, it's like God Himself is telling us to persevere,  "GOOD JOB JEN & CHARLIE!  KEEP UP THE PACE! THERE ARE SOME BIG ROLLERS COMING UP, BUT YOU CAN DO THIS! YOU'VE GOT IT - AND I'VE GOT YOUR BACK!"

Somewhere, I'm absolutely sure, this is the Word of the Lord. 

December 16

I'm still consumed and grappling with what happened in Connecticut on Friday, as I suspect most people are. Yesterday found me reading the newspaper - watching video clips when the kids weren't around - my mind deep in thought and prayer for those personally affected by this tragedy.

I think the situation hit me so hard because I have children that are approximately the same ages as those who perished.  Last week, I was the parent in school - sitting with the school principal, psychologist, social worker, counselors and various personnel discussing an education plan for my second grader at 9:30 in the morning.  That massacre could have happened anywhere. If it had happened in our neighborhood - at our school - I would have run out to see what was happening and probably would have fallen victim.  And our children, three in the same class, could have vanished in one fell swoop.

"Oh, don't let yourself go there..." a little voice of reason in my head says.

But the frightening reality is that it could happen. And the odds of it happening seem to be on the rise since gun violence is so prevalent that I'm convinced nearly every week, the newspaper contains a story of someone that died from gunshot wounds over something unimportant. Mistaken identity. Music too loud.  For as long as mankind has existed - evil and violence have existed, too. And it will continue to exist until the end of civilization. What do we need to keep ourselves safe?

Never leave the house?

Of course that's not a viable option. Life goes on. The sun will continue to rise each day and we cannot be immobilized by a fear to live.  Although yes, I have briefly considered homeschooling and having groceries delivered to our door. That would certainly reduce the amount of time we're in public; the amount of time spent on the road; and the amount of gasoline that I'd need to pump - hence reducing my exposure to benzene.  Since gun violence, auto accidents and cancer are the leading causes of death, perhaps I'd be able to avert our own mortality by these causes?  But then a meteor could hit us - or a bear burst through our door - or fierce food poisoning from pizza (with my cooking skills this is a distinct possibility) - or something else that we never expected nor prepared against.

Alternatively, we can live our lives as courageously and as beautifully as we can. We can equip our kids (and ourselves) with a plan for what to do if we ever find ourselves in a similar situation when someone enters a space we are in and they're intent on hurting us. We can hide, we can play dead, we can run like the wind. We've discussed, in very general terms with our children what happened on Friday, and we've tried to answer questions that really have no answers. We've impressed upon them that we must continue to step out in love and kindness and not let fear harbor us. This is life and I believe we're supposed to be here at this exact moment in time. But none of us know when it's our time to leave this earth which is why each day - each moment - with our loved ones is so incredibly precious. To see all of the broken hearts in Connecticut this weekend, I think we're grimly reminded just how fleeting life can be.

Almost 20 years ago, I picked up and read what would become one of my favorite books, a little compilation of philosophies by Dr. Richard Carlson.  One of the most profound passages is to See the Glass as Already Broken (and Everything Else Too).

Dr. Carlton goes on to explain, "Life is in a constant state of change. Everything has a beginning and everything has an end. Every tree begins with a seed and will eventually transform back to earth. Every rock is formed and every rock will vanish. In our modern world, this means that every car - every machine - every piece of clothing is created and all will wear out and crumble; it's only a matter of when. Our bodies are born and they will die. A glass is created and will eventually break.  There is a peace to be found in this teaching. When you expect something to break, you're not surprised or disappointed when it does. Instead of becoming immobilized when something is destroyed - you feel grateful for the time that you had. The easiest place to start is with the simple things, a glass of water, for example. Pull out your favorite drinking glass. Take a moment to look at it and appreciate its beauty and all it does for you. Now, imagine that the same glass is already broken - shattered all over the floor. Try to maintain the perspective that, in time, everything disintegrates and returns to its initial form."  

I don't care how you dice it ... it's immobilizing that so many young lives were intentionally shattered on Friday and the ripple effect of this situation is incomprehensible.  After a situation like this, people are either going to suggest that there is no God because how could a God have allowed something like this to happen?  Or, they're going to cling to their faith like never before.  As for me, I believe that spirituality is like a magnet. There are two opposing forces on opposite ends of the spectrum and each one of us possess the ability to be drawn to one side or the other, or perhaps reside somewhere in between.  We must always strive to be a force of positive and touch other lives with love.  We never might know the ripple effect that we can have on others with a kind word or deed. I started to write down some antonyms to highlight this spiritual dichotomy but was instantly reminded of the words of St. Francis...

Lord, make me an instrument of your peace.
Where there is hatred, let me sow love.
Where there is injury, pardon.
Where there is doubt, faith.
Where there is despair, hope.
Where there is darkness, light.
Where there is sadness, joy.

O Divine Master,  grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled, as to console; to be understood as to understand; to be loved as to love. For it is in giving that we receive. It is pardoning that we are pardoned and it is in dying that we are born to Eternal Life.

Everything will return to its original form. 

Until then: live, laugh, savor the beauty around you .... and love. 

Do whatever it takes to love, love, love. 

the bridge

My sister, Eileen, sent me this story earlier in the week. This is so applicable to my family, it's almost as if it's written about my family. I have no idea who wrote it, but I loved it and am sharing it here with the following wish:

May there be more bridges than rifts in your life and those of your loved ones.

************

Once upon a time, two brothers who lived on adjoining farms fell into conflict. It was the first serious rift in 40 years of farming side-by-side, sharing machinery and trading labor and goods without a hitch. Then the long collaboration fell apart. It began with a small misunderstanding and it grew into a major difference and finally, it EXPLODED in to an exchange of bitter words followed by weeks of silence.

One morning there was a knock on the older brother's door. He opened it to find a man with a carpenter's toolbox.

"I'm looking for a few days' work," the carpenter said. "Perhaps you would have a few small jobs here and there I could help you with?"

"Yes!" said the brother. "I do have a job for you. Look across the creek at that farm. That's my neighbor. In fact, that's my younger brother. Last week there was a meadow between us, but he recently took his bulldozer to the river levee and now there is a creek between us. Well, he may have done this to spite me, but I'll do him one better! See that pile of lumber by the barn? I want for you to build me an 8-foot fence so I won't need to see his place or face anymore!"

The carpenter nodded and said, "I think I understand the situation. Show me the nails and the post-hole digger and I'll be able to do a job that pleases you."

The brother had to go to town, so he helped the carpenter get the materials ready and then he left for the day. The carpenter worked hard during the time that the brother was away measuring, sawing and nailing. About sunset when the farmer returned, the carpenter had just finished his job. The brother's eyes opened wide, his jaw dropped.

There was no fence at all.

It was a bridge ... a bridge that stretched from one side of the creek to the other. A fine piece of work, handrails and all. And the neighbor, the younger brother, was coming toward them his hand outstretched...

"You are quite a fellow to build this bridge after all I've said and done."

The two brothers stood at each end of the bridge, and then they met in the middle taking each other's hand. They turned to see the carpenter hoist his toolbox on to his shoulder.

"No, wait! Stay a few days! I've got a lot of other projects for you!" said the older brother.

"I'd love to stay on," the carpenter said, "but I have many more bridges to build."

soul food: truly, madly, deeply stuck (conflict)

OK, it's time again for me to recite what I heard in church.

But before you just click off this post and think, "Oh no! Here she goes getting all preachy again!" Just remember this: MY CHILD WAS KICKED OUT OF THE NURSERY so I could record this message and bring it to you, mighty internet. So read it and then, PLEASE, if you must ... boldly lie and tell me that these posts have had a profound positive impact on the health of your marriage. Because if all I get is crickets on this, I will feel even worse than I already do about not sitting in with Henry four weeks ago.

Alrighty then! After that nice little segue...

I thought that the service I went to two weeks ago was the last in this marriage series, but I was wrong. In my opinion, the two services that came after the chemistry service were by far, the BEST of all. These last two services have to do with resolving conflict. Which is a very important topic to cover, because what relationship doesn't have a healthy dose of conflict every so often?



Why is it, that the most fierce anger and resentment and hurtful words that we have, are usually directed at those that we love the most?

Why is it, that those that we care so deeply for, usually get the worst of us?

It is because, our guard is up when we interface with the outside world. For our mental health, we need to put up filters and watch what we say and whom we say what to. But when we are home, we are within our comfort zone and our guard comes down. And out comes the little (or big) devil within us.

What is causing the quarrels and fights among you...? Don't they come from the evil desires at war within you? (James 4.1 NLT)

The real conflict is within US.

(Us, as in, YOU and ME.)

(Not US as in the United States. Although some could argue that the real conflict is in the US but that's a topic for a different post. On a different day. Maybe this weekend. I've got a really good story to tell you.)



Learning 1: The reason we have EXTERNAL conflict is because we have INTERNAL conflict.

You want what you don't have, so you scheme and kill to get it. You are jealous of what others have, but you can't get it, so you fight and wage war to take it away from them... (James 4:2 NLT)

There are fights within our relationships because WE are not getting what WE want.

Learning 2: The basis for our internal conflict is because we're not getting our own way.

... Yet you don't get what you want because you don't ask God for it. And even when you do ask, you don't get it because your motives are all wrong -- you want only what will give you pleasure. (James 4:2-3 NLT)

(Check me out quoting scripture like a pro. Yo!)

When we don't get what WE want, we will go to extremes to change someone else's behavior. We yell louder. We intimidate. We give the silent treatment. We might even go so far as to withhold intimate relations <- sex.

No one but you, can live up to YOUR expectations. So don't even waste your time nor energy by putting them on someone else.

Here are some HEALTHY ways to handle conflict as a couple:

Principle #1: Understand many conflicts are PERPETUAL.

Action #1: Identify what YOUR issues are. (Better known as: what ticks you off?)

Action #2: Learn what you can live with. (Better known as: find some grace and get over it.)

It is estimated that 70% of conflicts in every relationship are perpetual and only 30% of couples are able to move towards resolution through forgiveness. The #1 cause of divorce is a hard heart toward the opposite spouse. There is no communication and no resolution of conflict. Instead, there is hurt and bitterness and resentment that continue to perpetuate and when people finally realize it's time to repair the relationship, a lot of damage has been done and people might believe that it is too late.

What separates a GOOD marriage from a BAD marriage is not the absence of conflict: it's the way that spouses deal with conflict in a HEALTHY way.



Principle #2: Resolve conflict through FORGIVENESS.

Action #1: Be TRUTHFUL. Communicate. Do not hide issues. If it's been too long and there has been too much neglect and you do not feel like you can communicate truthfully, seek help.

Action #2: Be LOVING. Touch, forgive, extend gentleness.

In serving our spouse = we are served.

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. (1 Corinthians 13:4-7 NIV)

Our minister indicated that when he officiates weddings, he will tell the newlyweds that they are NOT compatible. They each have their own expectations and they don't even know yet just how different they really are. They come from two different families with two different histories. One family might be on the east coast. One might be on the west. One might be a morning person, one might not. One may be an introvert, the other an extrovert. One likes romantic comedies. One thinks that romantic comedies bite.

No relationship is perfectly compatible on every level. But in the beginning, in the early days of marriage, you might be so BLINDED by love that you don't even realize that rough waters or 200 foot drops may lie ahead. If you go in to a marriage realizing full well that there may be times of turbulence, but as a couple, you possess the ability to navigate through those difficult spots successfully, you will ultimately be stronger for it.



There should be some rules of engagement, or ground rules in your relationship:

1) No swearing. (Unless my lips were sewn together I might have a problem here. I'm just being truthful. Refer to Principle #2, Action Item #1, above.)

2) No hitting.

3) No breaking things. (Like Blackberries. We all have our weaknesses. I curse like a sailor.)

4) No "threatening" divorce.

5) Name some more... surely you can think of at least one?

If you break a ground rule, you have crossed the line and you need to resolve the conflict and ask for forgiveness.

Remember this:

A healthy marriage demands a fair amount of neglect. You have to learn to overlook certain things. Do not make corrections every time you see things done in a way you don't approve.



You should be able to have a weekly conference with your spouse where you allow each other an opportunity to speak. Not sure where you should start? Well, here are some questions you might consider:

1) What are you concerned about?

2) What do you wish for?

3) What are you going to do to make things happen?

If you are not able to resolve conflict, your relationship will dissolve.

And if you cannot have a civil discussion with your spouse, get help.

Now, what is the purpose of backgammon pictures scattered throughout this post?



Well, the reason is two fold.

1) I typically like to include pictures that are somewhat applicable to a post. And since I couldn't find any good pictures of us scowling at each other, I opted for these photos of backgammon, instead.

Because...

2) The first year that we were married, Charlie's father gave us a backgammon set that had once belonged to him and Jeanne (Charlie's mom). I didn't know the first thing about backgammon, but my husband taught me. And almost every night, we had the ritual of playing a game of backgammon to help us unwind. Sitting around our small kitchen table with a backgammon board between us, is one of the most wonderful memories I have of our first year of marriage.

As the tradition goes, we'll usually pour ourselves a glass of wine (or cup of hot tea) and we'll sit down and play for an hour. Or more. And we connect. We talk about stuff. We sort through issues. We discuss what's on our mind. If we've been having a particularly difficult day and we don't feel much like talking, backgammon brings us together and helps us to connect. At least until Charlie rolls a few double sixes and bumps all of my pieces on to the center board as he scurries his pieces home while laughing, "Ha, ha, ha, ha, HA! I'm going to win, you're going to LOSE!!"

And then I get mad. And I consider sleeping on the couch. Until I remember that I hate to sleep alone. So I forgive him, on the condition that he lets me win next time.

Which he never does.

But this is a perpetual problem that I have learned to live with.

i'll probably be kicked out of my small group for this

I just responded to a comment on my last post, that I thought I ought to just put up as it's own post. Because I think it's important to be clear about what we are - and where we are on this spiritual journey. Maybe no one cares, but I do and I don't want for anyone to perceive me as something that I'm not.

What's odd about this "journey" that we're on is that I'm still conflicted on a number of issues. Writing down what I hear each week in church helps me to "vent" things out and think about them. Please keep in mind - the Bible verses from my last post are not verses that I tracked down. Those are verses that were provided in a handout at church, which was great because they are applicable to the topic(s) that we discussed.

Regarding topic #1 (1. Embrace God's Plan) - I don't want our children to have sex before they are married. Because I'm their mother and I can see why holding out until you are married is the RIGHT thing to do. Physically, emotionally, spiritually.

That being said, I still strongly believe that people are born they way they are meant to be born and if they are homosexual - they have every right to be united in a ceremony that would grant them the same exact rights that any married couple would enjoy. The next time something like Prop 8 comes up, you better believe, I'll have a sticker on my car and a sign in my yard touting EQUAL rights for EVERYONE.

Although I once thought that it was intuitive to be kind, compassionate and treasure your family and I didn't really need church, I like hearing the message week after week. It just reinforces what I should be doing with my life and the example I should be setting for my children. Aside from that, church has been absolutely wonderful for our marriage. Charlie and I have been following the instructions we've received each week and we have grown in ways I never imagined. For example, last week, my husband took the incentive to hire a maid to come in one day a week and clean the house so I wouldn't have to.

Not only does it make me happy ... he hasn't stopped smiling since.

We go to church each week and I recently joined a small (Bible study) group that meets every Thursday. So I'm definitely diving more and more in to the Christian life. But ... I still wouldn't call myself a Christian. I haven't been baptized as an adult. And well, I have a few questions surrounding the immaculate conception and resurrection that might keep me out. As a scientist, I'll never believe the concept of Creationism. Although I do believe that much in life can be explained by science, God is what started the whole thing in motion and what comes before and after your life. And during, if you are honed to listen to that little voice in your heart.

I love so much of Christianity. I love, love, love the teachings. I love the philosophy, the principles, the simpleness of it all. I love the beautiful road map that it provides on how to live a good life. Now I'll tell you what I don't love: I don't love some of the incredible closed mindedness that I see at times. I don't love it when people absolutely DENY things that have been PROVEN by science. I don't love it when people call themselves Christians but condemn people who are different than themselves. In the words of Gandhi, "I like your Christ, I do not like your Christians. Your Christians are so unlike your Christ."

Poor me. I don't think I'll ever fit in with any group. So, I'm just chugging along. Quoting Bible verses and plugging gay rights. I'm an enigma wrapped in a mystery.

Some would probably say, on my way to hell in a hand basket.

soul food: truly, madly, deeply stuck (chemistry)

Are you ready for what I believe will be the last installment in the three part series on being truly, madly, deeply stuck in marriage? I suspect you are. Because last night, I did a monthly check on my statistics meter and I had more visits yesterday than I have had over the past year.

Now why could that possibly be?

Is it because my husband was on national television for four point seven seconds on Friday, or is it because last week I indicated that this week, I was going to be writing about s-e-x?

Yep. That's what I thought.

Now pay close attention because ... It's Business Time.



I've been posting a lot of the scripture that is provided in our weekly outlines, but hopefully, these posts aren't coming across as "too churchy." That really isn't my intent. I'm posting these verses because I really think that they are very wise and extremely applicable to the topic.

********

There is no such thing as a soul mate. Because what if - WHAT IF - someone married the wrong person? Does that throw off the soul mate chain for everyone else in the world?

Love doesn't happen by chance - it happens by choice.

And there really IS a chemistry of love.

There's a whole lot more to this, but in essence, when we fall in love, our brain produces the chemical dopamine. The transmitters in our brain are stimulated so that colors are more vibrant. Flavors are more intense. Adrenalin surges through our body. Our hearts beat faster and our core temperatures are warmer.

But after a while - anywhere from 18 months to four years - our brains shift from making dopamine to making oxytocin which stimulates us to make attachments and bond.

Unfortunately, a lot of people have a very difficult time when this shift occurs. The love that they once had isn't quite as vibrant or exciting anymore. They don't feel the same surge of excitement as they once did. They might think there is something wrong with the relationship and they go off seeking a new relationship, which will induce that same surge of excitement.

Good chemistry is deliberate - not predetermined.

Let your wife be a fountain of blessing for you. Rejoice in the wife of your youth. She is a loving deer, a graceful doe. Let her breasts satisfy you always. May you always be captivated by her love. Proverbs 5:18-19 (NLT)

It's difficult for a woman to comprehend just how important a good sex life is for a man.

But consider this: the sex center in a man's brain is twice as large as in a woman's.

Did you know that every brain begins as a female brain?

According to Doctor Louann Brizendine,

It [the female brain] only becomes male eight weeks after conception, when excess testosterone shrinks the communications center, reduces the hearing cortex, and makes the part of the brain that processes sex twice as large.

What science CLEARLY shows is that men can't hear as well, can't communicate as well, and they want at least twice as much sex as women. According to Dr. Brizendine - thoughts about sex enter a woman's brain once every few days (or months), but enter a man's brain once every minute.

Once Every Minute.

Wha...

REALLY?!

Men have a one track mind = physical.

Women have a two track mind = emotional and physical.

Let's say there's an argument. The man might be thinking, "I'm mad, but she's forgiven because LOOK! She's naked!" While the woman might be thinking, "OK. This love dance might happen. But first, did we put out the trash? Is there gas in the car? Do we have milk for breakfast?!

Chemistry is either productive or destructive.

Adultery is like an earthquake, and the epicenter is in the offender's heart. The destruction from their action, their choice - radiates outward damaging friends and family around them.

A man who commits adultery lacks judgment; whoever does so destroys himself. Proverbs 6:32 (NIV) (And his family and his friendships and his reputation and if he's Tiger Woods ... a large number of his endorsers.)

Can a man scoop a flame into his lap and not have his clothes catch fire? Can he walk on hot coals and not blister his feet? So it is with the man who sleeps with another man's wife. He who embraces her will not go unpunished. Proverbs 6:27-29 (NLT)

Here's how to create GREAT chemistry with your spouse:

1. Embrace God's Plan

How can a young person live a clean life? By carefully reading the map of your Word. I'm single-minded in pursuit of you; don't let me miss the road signs you've posted. I've banked your promises in the vault of my heart so I won't sin myself bankrupt. Psalm 119:9-11

Honor marriage, and guard the sacredness of sexual intimacy between wife and husband. God draws a firm line against casual and illicit sex. Hebrews 13:4

What this ultimately says is don't have premarital sex. Now, I don't have much to say about this except Charlie and I lived together for two years before we were married. Of course we never slept together. We just shared an apartment to save on rent and groceries and - oh my goodness. Don't look now ... but I think that's Mike Wazowski?!

Would I want our children to live with their spouse(s) before they were married? Absolutely not. I will do my best to teach them that they should not (to quote my mother) enjoy the fruits of marriage without a license. And, I'd much prefer that they stay living at home with us until they are 35 and then, pursue their futures in the convent and/or monastery. As appropriate.

2. Reignite Romance

The primary reason for divorce is a hard heart.

Within a healthy marriage - there is a healthy sex life.There shouldn't be any feelings of shame or inhibition in your marriage. But if you're not in a good place in "this" department, because of things that have happened in your past, or confidence issues within yourself: seek help. Therapy is for you, first and foremost. But it is also for your family. Because when YOU are healthy, your family will be healthier (and happier), too.

Sexual drives are strong, but marriage is strong enough to contain them and provide for a balanced and fulfilling sexual life in a world of sexual disorder. The marriage bed must be a place of mutuality - the husband seeking to satisfy the wife, the wife seeking to satisfy her husband. Marriage is not a place to "stand up for your rights." Marriage is a decision to serve the other, whether in bed or out. 1 Corinthians 7:3-4

Yowzer. That spicy stuff is from the Bible?!

Your spouse cannot read your mind - so you might need to tell them what you want. It's like making a cup of coffee. I'd like a shot of espresso and two sugars. And while you're at it, take a shower before you come to bed.

I haven't read the book, but I've heard Sex Begins in the Kitchen: Because Love Is An All Day Affair is a great read. The concept, from what I understand, is that true intimacy is cultivated outside of the bedroom and not the moment the lights go off.

It's a universal truth, among parents, that life gets so crazy that if we don't MAKE THE TIME to sit down and enjoy our spouse's company, we will soon only be discussing the schedule and deadlines for the day and the stress bow that wraps it all up. Not surprisingly, very soon marriages are suffering because the component of intimacy is almost nonexistent. Make the time, either before you start your day - or at the end of the day, to sit down and reconnect on topics that don't just involve your children.

To women: Men who have a healthy sex life, will take on their life with vim and vigor and they will appreciate you even more. Do your best to look for the little things that made you fall in love in the first place. And strive to create an atmosphere in your home that satisfies their manly souls. Oh, and stop nagging. If you have a tendency to do that.

To men: Women need a deep emotional attachment. They do not need someone to try and fix or solve their problems, but to listen to them without falling asleep. Women need to feel valued and cherished. Send them text messages to let them know you are thinking of them. Do all the leg work to set up a date night. It's the little things that you take care of ... the "chore play" that can lead to ... well, you know what.

3. Guard your Boundaries.

Do NOT talk to someone of the opposite sex about your marital problems. If you're fishing and playing the flirting game and you are married ... KNOCK IT OFF. You need to use the tools to move forward in your own marriage and make the conscious decision to change your behavior.

Temptation comes from our own desires, which entice us and drag us away. These desires give birth to sinful actions. And when sin is allowed to grow, it gives birth to death. James 1:15-15 (NLT)

That is SUCH truth: where sin is allowed to grow, it gives birth to death. When have you ever done something absolutely wrong and it worked out well for you? And even if you got away with something bad - it is forever on your conscience.

Run from sexual sin! No other sin so clearly affects the body as this one does. For sexual immorality is a sin against your own body. Don't you realize that your body is the temple of the Holy Spirit, who lives in you and was given to you by God? You do not belong to yourself, for God you with a high price. So must honor God with your body. 1 Corinthians 6:18-20 (NLT)

A few weeks ago I overheard someone talking about a married couple and the husband had a terrible addiction to internet p0rnography. Apparently, the addiction was so bad, that the wife began taking the keyboard from their home computer with her to work, every day. Sure, it was humiliating for him that his computer keyboard was locked up in her vehicle ... but since he couldn't control his temptation, this was the best solution. The fact is: there is a big problem with porn in the world. Do not bring it in to your marriage. It's not just a physical act - it will effect your heart and soul.

...So guard your heart; remain loyal to the wife of your youth. Malachi 2:15 (NLT)

But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart. If your right eye causes you to sin, gouge it out and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to be thrown into hell. And if your right hand causes you to sin, cut it off and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to go into hell. Matthew 5:28-30 (NIV)

An emotional affair always begins before a physical affair. Infidelity starts in the mind. But thankfully, people don't actually cut off their hands nor gouge out their eyes if they look at someone lustfully.

If they did, almost all of the men in the world would be blind and unable to clap.

4. Receive God's Love.

All of us must be rooted and grounded in love. In order to truly seek God's love in its fullness, we must in some way know and experience that love already exists in our lives.

In conclusion: By the time you read this, it will probably be Wednesday and ... a quick check of the TV Guide shows ... there's nothing really very good on television. Wink. Wink.

********

Charlie says that these posts are coming off as way too preachy. And I say no person who posts Flight of the Conchords "Business Time" alongside scripture could possibly be confused with a Bible Banger. What say you?

soul food: truly, madly, deeply stuck (communication)

Charlie and I have been going to church religiously (?) consistently for the past several months and for the most part, we get a lot out of each service.

I think it's because we're at a point where we are trying to figure out what this whole "life thing" is all about, while providing the best structure for our children that we can, while also doing our best to keep ourselves on the right track. And say, not crashing headlong in to the trees that line the road of existence.

Let's face it: life can be tough sometimes.

Especially when you've got small people that you are trying to raise in to compassionate and conscientious human beings. The whole parenting gig sounds a lot easier than it actually is. And for us, church provides a road map that we didn't really have before. And, it has the added benefit of strengthening our marriage in ways that I never expected.

Last week, I wrote about the importance of commitment in a marriage.

This week, I'll be writing about the church service we attended this weekend, where the importance of communication in a marriage was discussed.

Although, it's important to point out, this isn't just about communication between a husband and wife - it's about communication with anyone.

Regardless of who you are communicating with - if communication is tense, communication stalls. And if you lack communication, you get isolation and hopelessness.

Always be humble and gentle. Be patient with each other, making allowance for each other's faults because of your love. Make every effort to keep yourselves united in the Spirit, binding yourselves together with peace. Ephesians 4:2-3 (NLT)

Relationships get stuck in patterns. Relationships "form" and then "storm" but often, before they get to the "norm" or "perform" stage, they get stuck.

From Wikipedia:

"In the first stages of team building, the forming of the team takes place. The individual's behavior is driven by a desire to be accepted by the others, and avoid controversy or conflict.

Every group will then enter the storming stage in which different ideas compete for consideration. The team addresses issues such as what problems they are really supposed to solve, how they will function independently and together and what leadership model they will accept.

At some point, the team may enter the norming stage. Team members adjust their behavior to each other as they develop work habits that make teamwork seem more natural and fluid. As team members get to know each other better, their views of each other begin to change. The team feels a sense of achievement for getting so far, however some members can begin to feel threatened by the amount of responsibility they have been given. They would try to resist the pressure and revert to storming again.

Some teams will reach the performing stage. These high-performing teams are able to function as a unit as they find ways to get the job done smoothly and effectively without inappropriate conflict or the need for external supervision."

A few years ago, when we had four children under the age of three, Charlie and I were going through a difficult patch and we picked up the book, "The 5 Love Languages" and it was such an eye opener for the both of us.

What we hadn't realized up until that point, is that we each have our own preferred method of receiving love. And we need to be multilingual in the various love languages in order for the love between us to work. Or at least, work well.

Each of us has a love bank to which our spouse makes deposits and withdrawals. If something good is done - that constitutes a deposit. If something hurtful happens, that is a withdrawal.

In any relationship, it's best if you are in the black and not overdrawn on your love bank. If you aren't fluent in someone's love language - you could be missing opportunities for filling their love bank.

Which is why you could be in the same room with someone, but miles away emotionally.

The 5 Love Languages, as defined by Gary Chapman are:

1) WORDS OF AFFIRMATION

The tongue has the power of life and death, and those who love it will eat its fruit. Proverbs 18:21 (NLT)

The minister spoke of when he was a fourth grader and couldn't read. Although none of his peers knew, his teacher was well aware of the secret he had tried so well to disguise. But instead of calling him out and embarrassing him in front of the class, when the children would head out to recess each day, the teacher called to him and asked if he would stay after to help her with a special project. It was during that time, she would work with him on phonics. He says that the most pivotal moment for him was when she encouraged him by saying, "You are so smart and you'll be reading in no time!"

Sure enough, he was.

Because she believed in him, he believed in himself.

...Encourage one another and build each other up, just as in fact you are doing.
1 Thessalonians 5:11 (NIV)

2) QUALITY TIME

The biggest distraction to intimacy is busyness.

...Because so many people were coming and going that they did not even have a chance to eat, he said to them, "Come with me by yourselves to a quiet place and get some rest." Mark 6:31 (NIV)

The minister shared a story of two women who were discussing how they spend quality time with their spouses. One of the women said that she and her husband shared a pot of coffee each day. The other wife went home and told her husband, "WHY don't WE share a pot of coffee EACH DAY?!" The husband responded, "Well, I suppose we could. Why don't we make a pot of coffee?" So they did. And once the pot of coffee was on the table, they sat and stared at each other unsure of what to do next. Finally the husband said, "Maybe you should call your friend and ask her what she and her husband talk about?"

On a daily basis, you should start out talking about the facts, and then - you should get down to talking about what's on your heart.

This is one of my love languages because I absolutely crave spending quality time with my husband. But what I have learned is that you have to carve out quality time because it's not something that you can catch on the fly.

Although, Charlie and I have considered placing two toilets in our bathroom because some days, it seems like that is the only time we have to connect.

3) GIVING/RECEIVING GIFTS

Some people express love by giving - or receiving gifts.

Lucky for Charlie, this is definitely NOT one of my love languages. If Charlie misses my birthday - or our anniversary - it's not a problem for me, in the least. While I do appreciate gifts that are received, I just don't place that much importance on them. But, what I have discovered since reading Chapman's book - is that there are some people who do not feel love unless you recognize them by giving them gifts.

... a woman came with an alabaster jar of very expensive perfume, made of pure nard. She broke the jar and poured the perfume on his head. Some of those present were saying indignantly to one another, "Why this waste of perfume? It could have been sold for more than a year's wages and the money given to the poor..."
Mark 14:3-5 (NIV)

How do people want to receive love?

Well, how do they express it?

If you know someone that showers you with gifts, chances are good that giving and receiving is one of their love languages. And if you want to successfully communicate with them - you better get on board. And start saving.

4) ACTS OF SERVICE

Acts of Service? Now, this IS my love language.

If you love me, DO SOMETHING WITHOUT ME ASKING TEN TIMES.

If you love me, PICK UP YOUR SOCKS.

Now that I, your Lord and Teacher, have washed your feet, you also should was one another's feet. I have set you an example that you should do as I have done for you. John 13:14-15 (NIV)

If you love me, MAKE SURE THE DIAPER BAG HAS DIAPERS IN IT. Preferably, before we go out. And are more than 30 minutes from home.

Ah, but the trick here is that you need to ask and not demand that someone does something. And then (this is the really tough part for me) let it go undone. As in, don't bring it up again and again and again and nag about it, incessantly. How difficult is it to remember to pack diapers in a DIAPER BAG? Seems pretty self explanatory to me. Diaper Bag = Diapers. It's not rocket science. Or maybe it is and I'm BRILLIANT.

(Don't do that. Don't even think it.)

My husband knows that if he tidies up the garage, and picks up his stuff and cleans the bathrooms for no reason at all, he'll have an Irish love tiger on his hands.

Roar!

5) PHYSICAL TOUCH

This isn't about sex. That post comes next week.

This has to do with the simple healing power of touch.

There are studies that have shown people who have not been hugged as children, have an increased tendency to be violent and aggressive relative to those people who have been hugged frequently as children.

Michael Rayel wrote, "A touch provides comfort in a freezing night. It makes us feel secure because it unites us with an affectionate, loving, and feeling human being. The warmth it brings is better than the warmth a fireplace can provide. A touch shields us from the worries of today because of the confidence it brings. Like internet, it allows high-speed access to another soul."

When he came down from the mountainside, large crowds followed him. A man with leprosy came and knelt before him and said, "Lord, if you are willing, you can make me clean." Jesus reached out his hand and touched the man. "I am willing," he said. "Be clean!" Immediately, he was cured of his leprosy. Matthew 8:1-3 (NIV)

Do you know when your spouse is upset with you?

Do they look at you? Do they reach out and touch you? Or do they answer questions in one word, "Yep." "Nope." And recoil if your foot so much as touches them in bed at night?

Remember this: Your words will not penetrate their heart, if you can't take the simple step of reaching across the chasm (or table) and holding their hand.

Studies have also shown that women speak two to three times more than a man each day. And undoubtedly WRITE two to three hundred times more (Good Lord this is a long post is anyone still with me?), but that doesn't mean that the people in your life know what your needs are, unless you explicitly state them.

So as I conclude this post, I'm leaving you with a homework assignment.

Sit down with your spouse and ask them to complete the following sentences:

I feel loved when you __________________.

I feel loved when you __________________.

I feel loved when you __________________.

I feel loved when you __________________.

I feel loved when you __________________.

I feel loved when you __________________.

I feel loved when you __________________.

Seven times they need to write down what it takes for them to feel loved. And then, you write down seven times what it takes for you to feel loved. And then, trade your notes and do your best to implement at least two to three of those things, THIS WEEK.

Don't make your spouse read your mind and don't try to read theirs.

SAY what you want and ASK for what you need.

Charlie and I tried this exercise and it went something like this:

Charlie, to me: I feel loved when you ... encourage me to go out and get involved in triathlons.

Me to Charlie: I feel loved when you ... bake me chocolate chip cookies.

This is why my husband is a rock hard stud and I'm turning in to something squishy.

Because we clearly love each other.

A LOT.

soul food: truly, madly, deeply stuck (commitment)

I genuinely believe that Charlie and I have a very good marriage.

The reason for that is largely because I hit the jackpot in the husband department. After almost twenty years together ... and over 15 years of marital bliss ... Charlie gets me and for the most part, I get him. We go together like peas and carrots. We compliment each other well because we have learned how to draw upon each others strengths and ignore support each others weaknesses.

(Not that there are very many. At least not with me.)

Like most things in life, our marriage has had it's shares of highs and lows. But by and large, we've had more highs than lows. And there is no question in my mind or heart - this is the man I intend to spend the rest of my life with. Don't think for a minute I don't realize just how lucky I am. Oh yeah, baby!!

Now there are so many good people I know who have had their marriages end in divorce. It is my most sincere hope that this post does not open any wounds for them, but instead - strengthens their next relationship. Not if, but when that next relationship happens. Because after witnessing my 76-year old mother marry a wonderful 85-year old man, I have seen firsthand that love is, indeed, as perennial as the grass.

So. Last night. We attended a church service and because it has become commonplace for me to download my notes following a particularly thought provoking sermon, I'm going to share what I considered the highlights of the service, here.

Are you ready for this profound message?

Marriage is a lot like a cell phone.

In the beginning, you loved your phone because it was so cool.

Maybe your phone was cute. Or sexy. In a technological kind of way.

But after a while, what you once thought was cool is now old and outdated. Perhaps you're noticing other people's phones and wanting what they have? There is no doubt that whatever it was that initially attracted you to your phone is now dwindling. What once sizzled now barely fizzles because it is so deadly familiar.

Come on, who wants to be stuck with an old phone when you can get an upgrade? The time is ripe to get rid of the old (bag) phone and replace your model!

The problem is, in no time flat, that awesome NEW model will be outdated, too.

Because it's impossible to keep up with technology.

There was a little boy who was taking music lessons and his class was putting on a performance. The child knew all the words to all of the songs. He knew when it was his turn to sing and when it wasn't. He knew everything that he was supposed to do. But when the light was on him, he just stood there. His parents spoke to him and asked why did he not sing when it was his turn? And he very simply said, "I didn't want to."

He didn't want to be engaged in the performance and so he wasn't.

It wasn't about his inability to perform - it was about his attitude.

Changing your attitude is like changing your vision on life. Much like a new prescription for your eyes, can help you to see better, so a renewed commitment to embracing a better attitude in your marriage (and life) can help you to see things differently in your world.

Our minister spoke of his neighbor whose fence fell down in the recent rain storms. Much like his fence fell down last winter. And the winter before. And the winter before. And every year, the neighbor does a patch job. He pulls the fence up and hammers on some two by fours to keep it stable. But sure enough, the next rainstorm will inevitably knock the fence down again.

Are you satisfied with the easy fix, while knowing full well the next storm will cause damage?

Or are you willing to make the commitment to do the hard work. To dig down, pour some concrete, and spend the time and energy required to make the structure stronger?

Do you want to maintain or thrive?

If you feel like your marriage is stuck, there are four commitments that will help to get your marriage UNSTUCK.

Those four commitments are:

1) Commit to a long-term GROWING marriage.

Growing is an action and an investment.

Every marriage, even the good marriages, need a routine tune up.

In your marriage, are you surviving - struggling - or thriving?

Your marriage shouldn't just survive, it should thrive.

But do you know how to make your marriage thrive?

Yes? Well aren't YOU fabulous. You're excused for the day.

No? You are not alone. Please, read on.

2) Commit to SERVING your spouse.

Love each other with genuine affection, and take delight in honoring each other. (Roman 12:10)

...Live together in love as though you had only one mind and spirit between you ... None of you should think only of his own affairs, but consider other people's interests also. (Philippians 2:2,4)

Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude. It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged. (Oh damn. I've done that.) It does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance. (1 Corinthians 13:4-7)

The minister told a story that several years ago, his wife said to him, "It feels like you don't need me!" His first reaction was that she was correct. Of course he didn't need her. Why should he?! His father had died when he was a young boy and his mother went off to work. For the most part, he raised himself and in doing so, he learned to become fiercely independent and created a distance between himself and everyone around him.

After a while, he didn't even consciously realize that there was a wall there. Until his wife pointed it out and slowly, but lovingly - and very deliberately - helped to break the wall down.

To truly succeed in a marriage, you need:

A) Physical Intimacy - Hopefully, this doesn't require an explanation. If it does, read this.

B) Spiritual Intimacy - Help each other grow spiritually.

C) Mental Intimacy - Help each other problem solve.

And you also need to:

3) Commit to ENJOYING life together.

Enjoy life with your wife... (Ecclesiastes 9:9)

Enjoy life with your husband ... (Jen 1.24.10)

Marriage can become so routine and BORING. You absolutely need to enjoy the MOMENTS of life, together.

So, are YOU fun to be with?

Or are you uptight and tense?

You must be deliberate in having fun. Every single week, carve out a day for you AND your spouse. Put it on the calendar. Write it in ink. Make this a top priority, each and every week.

Because if you do not make the time, the time will disappear.

In the book, "His Needs, Her Needs" Dr. Harley writes that the top five needs of a man are:

1) Sexual Fulfillment

2) Recreational Companionship (possibly redundant with #1, above?)

3) Attractive Spouse

4) Domestic Support (know how to run the house)

5) Admiration

And the top five needs of a woman are:

1) Affection

2) Conversation (feeling, not thinking)

3) Honesty

4) Financial Support

5) Family Commitment

Wow. Those sure are different lists, aren't they?

Do you know what the needs are of YOUR spouse?

Before you think, "Oh yeah. I know what their needs are, but what about my needs?!"

Just remember this:

Selfishness loses.

Giving wins.

If you want to win in a marriage - learn how to serve.

You might be surprised, shocked even - at how when you give love - you receive love.

And then some.

4) Commit to putting God (or, the light that shines within you!) FIRST.

.... If we are living in the light of God's presence... then we have wonderful fellowship and joy with each other.... (1 John 1:7)

"Remain in me, and I will remain in you... you cannot be fruitful unless you remain in me. Yes, I am the vine; you are the branches. Those who remain in me, and I in them, will produce much fruit. For apart from me, you can do nothing." (John 15:4-5)

... The Holy Spirit produces this kind of fruit in our lives: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. (Galatians 5:22-23)

Let's think about that passage above...

Love, Joy, Peace, Patience, Kindness, Goodness, Faithfulness, Gentleness and Self Control.

Do you think any of those things would help you feel better about yourself - your marriage - your life? Would any of those things help you to feel less stuck in circumstances that you believe are completely outside of your control?

The closer you grow to God the more these fruits will be produced naturally.

Are you currently locked in to any bad habits that need to be changed?

Do you frequently withdraw from your spouse to do your own thing?

Do you go to bed at two different times?

Do you bicker and fight over the same topics?

Do you nag?

Do you spend quality time with each other during the week?

Do you routinely hug your spouse and tell them that you love and appreciate them?

Did you know that if you were to have sex 2-3 times a week, you would decrease your risk of heart disease by 45% and men would decrease their risk of heart attack by 50%?

Who thinks it's important to be healthy and live a long time?

OK then. I think that's a fairly succinct way of wrapping up this post.

Because my mother does read my blog, after all.

have a little faith

My sister, Eileen, sent me the book "have a little faith" for Christmas.

She sent me this book because she reads my blog (Hi Eileen!) and she knows from reading things that I've written here, over the past few years, I've been really struggling with my faith. Although I try to believe God's fingerprints are on everything, my life doesn't really mirror that philosophy of "Let Go and Let God."

I'm confused.

Remind me again - what exactly it is that I believe? What exactly it is that I am doing with my life? Why it is that I can't make a decision? Why it is that I can't just feel settled already? Why it is that I must always feel like I'm fighting against the tide?

I started reading the book a few weeks ago and every night, I read another chapter before I fall asleep. Although it's been a while since I've read any books to completion, I can easily say that THIS is probably the best book I have read in a long, long time. While I attend church - almost every week - this book has opened my eyes in ways church has not. I feel more calm and at peace because of this book. In essence, this book has been salve for my colicky soul. It is so captivating that I could very easily read the whole thing in an afternoon. But I haven't and for that, I'm glad.

Because I've been taking my time to get through it each day, I reflect on what I read the night before and I have an opportunity to mentally digest the story before picking the book up again, sometimes re-reading something, just to make sure the point sticks.

The book is written by Mitch Albom, who was made famous by his novel, "Tuesdays with Morrie." In the book, "have a little faith" Albom was asked by his childhood rabbi to deliver his eulogy. Albom agrees, on the condition that he get to know the rabbi as a man. And so an eight-year journey begins where Albom meets with his rabbi and the two discuss spirituality, faith and how those two things play in to the grand scheme of life.

There is one part of the book that has really resonated with me the past few days. As it turns out, I read this particular section on January 11, the night before the magnitude 7 earthquake that rocked Haiti. So that following day, as I was seeing the grisly images roll in from the Caribbean, all I could think about were Albom's words. He writes,

"The Reb (rabbi) was a believer from the start, that was clear, but I also knew that he was not crazy about some things God allowed on this earth. He had lost a daughter, many years ago. That had shaken his world. And he regularly cried after visiting once-robust members of the congregation who now lay helpless in hospital beds. "Why so much pain?" he would say, looking in to the heavens. "Take them already. What is the point?"

I once asked the Reb that most common of faith questions: why do bad things happen to good people? It had been answered countless times in countless ways; in books, in sermons on Web sites, in tear-filled hugs. The Lord wanted her with him ... He died doing what he loved ... She was a gift ... This is a test...

I remember a family friend whose son was struck with a terrible medical affliction. After that, at any religious ceremony - even a wedding - I would see the man out in the hallway, refusing to enter the service. "I just can't listen to it anymore," he would say. His faith had been lost.

When I asked the Reb, Why do bad things happen to good people?, he gave none of the standard answers. He quietly said, "No one knows." I admired that. But when I asked if that ever shook his belief in God, he was firm.

"I cannot waver," he said.

Well, you could, if you didn't believe in something all powerful.

"An atheist," he said.

Yes.

"And then I could explain why my prayers were not answered."

Right.

He studied me carefully. He drew in his breath.

"I had a doctor once who was an atheist. Did I ever tell you about him?"

No.

"This doctor, he liked to jab me and my beliefs. He used to schedule my appointments deliberately on Saturdays, so I would have to call the receptionist and explain why, because of my religion, that wouldn't work.

Nice guy, I said.

"Anyhow, one day, I read in the paper that his brother had died. So I made a condolence call."

After the way he treated you?

"In this job," the Reb said, "you don't retaliate."

I laughed.

"So I go to his house, and he sees me. I can tell he is upset. I tell him I am sorry for his loss. And he says, with an angry face, 'I envy you.' Why do you envy me?' I said. 'Because when you lose someone you love, you can curse God. You can yell. You can blame him. You can demand to know why. But I don't believe in God. I'm a doctor! And I couldn't help my brother!'

He was near tears. 'Who do I blame?' he kept asking me. 'There is no God. I can only blame myself.' "

The Reb's face tightened, as if in pain.

"That," he said softly "is a terrible self-indictment."

Worse than an unanswered prayer?

"Oh yes. It is far more comforting to think that God listened and said no, than to think that nobody's out there."

If there really IS a God, how does one explain the tragedy in Haiti?

Photo Credit: IFRC/Eric Quintero

Officials have estimated that some three million people - a third of the population - were affected by the 7.0-magnitude quake. And there are predictions that as many as 200,000 could die. In comparison, the magnitude 7.0 Loma Prieta earthquake that stuck California in 1989 killed 63 people.

Why did it happen there?

To the poorest country in the western hemisphere?

To a country where structures are slapped together with no regard to seismic standards?

To a country where the severely impoverished eat mud cakes, which are nothing more than cookies made of dirt, salt, and vegetable shortening because they don't have the resources for a proper meal?

Haven't the Haitians suffered enough?

Photo Credit: American Red Cross/Talia Frenkel

My homepage is Yahoo, so this week whenever I've logged on to the internet, I see the images and news stories rolling in from Haiti. With tears streaming down my face, I watched the video clip of the 11-year old girl who was rescued on Thursday and died a short time later. Her final words spoken?

"Mother, don't let me die."

Did the earthquake occur because 200 years ago Haitians made a pact with the devil?

Photo Credit: Matthew Marek/American Red Cross

Personally, I don't think so.

In fact, I really like what the hilariously brilliant Jon Stewart has to say (do you even READ this thing?!):

The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. (Psalm 34:18)

Though the mountains be shaken and the hills be removed, yet my unfailing love for you will not be shaken nor my covenant of peace be removed, says the Lord, who has compassion on you (Isaiah 54:10).

I typically do not go to church twice in the same weekend, but this weekend I did because I heard the Ugandan Orphan Choir would be performing at a nearby church and I really wanted for our children to see these incredible kids. At the second service, the pastor spoke of a blind man.

As he went along, he saw a man blind from birth. His disciples asked him, "Rabbi, who sinned, this man or his parents, that he was born blind?" "Neither this man nor his parents sinned," said Jesus, "but this happened so that the work of God might be displayed in his life." (John 9:1-3)

There is absolutely NO WAY to fathom the destruction and devastation that has occurred in Haiti. I don't think that the people that are there - on the ground - can get their minds around it.

From a scientific standpoint, I completely understand why the earthquake happened. From a spiritual standpoint, I can only believe that this is an opportunity for the work of God to be displayed in our lives. Provided of course, you believe God exists. Which to me, I'd much prefer to believe that than the alternative.

Just about everyone is on a budget. Just about everyone is feeling the strain. But I believe that just about everyone can do something to help. As Mother Theresa said, "If you can't feed a hundred people, then just feed one."

Photo Credit Talia Frenkel / American Red Cross

There are a lot of excellent charities out there and I hope everyone will find one that they can support, as their budget allows. After some considerable research, Charlie and I made our donation to the Red Cross because 91% of the donation goes to humanitarian relief and they have considerable outreach.

Ah well ... the first week of sticking to a strict budget just went due south.

But, I'm hopeful we'll quickly recover.

Photo Credit Talia Frenkel / American Red Cross

It is our most fervent prayer, the people of Haiti will, too.