Wednesday, February 18, 2009

fur real

When I wrote about hairy feet a few weeks ago, what I meant to say is that I cannot imagine waxing my toes, from the sheer pain factor. I must have received at least 20 e-mails from people "confessing" that they waxed their feet and really, it's the most simple solution to foot hair removal. Granted, my experience with waxing is rather limited, but from what I can remember before blacking out, waxing hurts. And, it seems my body doesn't "respond" very well to have hair ripped out of it by the root.

Several years ago, shortly after Charlie and I began fertility treatments, my mother came to visit. And during her visit she commented on what she thought was dirt on my face.

I remember she held my chin in her hands and with her eyes squinting at my upper lip she said, "It looks like your face is dirty. Are you sure you're washing your face? Are you using soap? Are you scrubbing? Maybe you need to use a Buf-Puf? Do you want me to send you some?"

(Since my mom had retired as a nurse from 3M, she has a seemingly endless supply of Buf-Pufs.)

I exasperatedly replied, "Mom. My face is NOT dirty. Yes, I'm sure I wash with SOAP. And yes, I'm sure that I am SCRUBBING. I don't know what you are talking about. Maybe it's YOUR eyes?" Then, sensing an unfortunate fall out to my remark, I quickly added, "Or, maybe the light in here isn't very good...?"

We turned on another light and after more scrutiny, mom was convinced that there was something on my face that shouldn't be there and she gently suggested I have my lip waxed.

The day after I went through this brutal waxing process, the entire area surrounding my mouth broke out in a rash. Or, what I thought was a rash. Over the next two weeks, the rash turned in to large red pustules before finally fading away. But for two solid weeks, it looked like I had been blowing bubbles in hydrofluoric acid.

When I received a phone call from the "beautician" that I was due for another waxing, I told her what had happened and she was certain that my reaction was a one time ordeal. My body couldn't be allergic to wax. She'd never heard of such a thing! So, I went back and had it done again. And that second procedure hurt worse than the first and for the next month, the whole lower half of my face was covered in zits.

I had a zit goatee.

Then to add insult to injury, I had to have my driver's license picture renewed.

When I went to visit my dermatologist the year after our triplets were born and I pointed out what my mother believed was dirt on my face, she told me that the discoloration was frequently called a "mask of pregnancy" and was due to the increase in hormones from fertility treatment, and incubating another life (or three) in one's own body.

It had nothing to do with dirt. Or hair. So I just cannot imagine waxing my sensitive toes and inflicting that kind of pain on myself. My lesson learned from that experience is that I'll take a hairy face or hairy feet any day of the week and thrice on Sunday.

Or, I'll just wear clogs and a TurtleFur.

Now, speaking of fur.

A few weeks ago, it became obvious that some kind of animal had died in our garage. Within a matter of days, what started out as a slight odor grew to a stench that would knock the wind out of me. It got so bad that I couldn't even go out to the garage. Instead, if things needed to be put out there, I would just open the door and with my faced turned the opposite way, randomly throw them in to the stinky space, with the mental note, "I'll deal with that once the rotting carcass is removed."

Charlie ripped the entire garage apart trying to find the deceased critter, to no avail. Ultimately, he determined that a mouse or some kind of rodent, had climbed inside of our refrigerator and died. And to get the animal out, he would need to empty the refrigerator of it's contents, flip it upside down, and take it apart.

And since he had no idea how to do that, he didn't.

So the stench continued.

One afternoon, when the children were anxious to go on a bike ride, I gave everyone strict instructions before we entered the stink zone. I told them, "HOLD YOUR BREATH. Do not breathe through your nose or you will likely throw up. I will open the garage door and once I do, you need to RUN through the garage and stand in the driveway. I will bring out your bicycles and helmets. OK. ARE YOU READY?"

The plan was executed well. The kids ran through the garage, holding their noses, and they stood in the driveway waiting for me to grab their bikes and helmets. But as I was going to fetch their bikes, I spotted on the floor ... a dead rat.

Just laying there. Right next to the bikes.

How it was that Charlie missed that rat when he was pulling the entire garage apart remains a mystery. But there it was. In the middle of the floor. The kids all came running back in to the garage and were so interested in seeing the rat that they didn't even want to go for their bike ride. They just wanted to stare at the dead rat.

And through all of this, I screamed. And I'm not even sure why I was unable to stop screaming, seeing as it was a dead rat. Within a day or two of that unfortunate incident, I was in the process of making the girls bed.

And when I pull the quilt up, out pops a snake.

A fake snake, mind you. But a snake, nonetheless.

A toy snake that Carolyn had picked out when her father took her to the Science Center the day before. A toy snake that I didn't even know had been brought in to our house and added to our toy supply. And the screaming in the garage with the REAL dead rat was nothing like the screaming in the girls room when faced with a PLASTIC toy snake.

I can handle comments that elude to me loving one of my children more than another (I was seriously not offended by that). I can handle my husband telling me that the anonymous donor to his fundraising efforts was probably my mother because she favors him over me. I can even handle taking care of five people who were all struck with the stomach flu and vomiting at the same exact time.

But I can't handle waxing.

And I can't handle rodents.

And I can't handle toy snakes that are hidden within my daughters bedding.

And I think that this video might be one of the funniest things I've ever seen.

And now you know almost everything there is to know about me.


  1. We once had a mouse that got in between the sheets in the spare bed and died. It took a LOT of searching before we found that poor dead little fella.

    Also - yay for Flight of the Conchords. *proud New Zealander here*
    I like this one too - "If you're into it"

  2. No offense but I had never actually heard of a woman having hairy toes before and I'm a woman that was in the army. I love your blog though.

  3. I think this version of the video is even better!!

  4. Uh Jen if that snake scenerio would have happen to me, I would have grabbed my wallet and walked into the sunset. PERIOD!
    Hairy toes and all.

  5. Anon, I'm not talking about beastly hair on my feet. I'm talking about toe hair. EVERYONE has toe hair. I just never noticed it, or felt compelled to do something to remove it, until someone pointed it out to me.

    I'll bet if the army issued sandals instead of boots, you'd know about women having hairy toes!

  6. Hi Jen,
    I had to laugh about your screaming and being unable to stop. The other day I went to take a shower with my 2 1/2 year old daughter, and I put one foot in the shower when I looked down. And running around in the shower was a scorpion! (I live in AZ). Oh my goodness - I never screamed so much in my life. I gave myself a headache! My poor daughter was wondering what the heck was going on, and I woke up my twin babies - which takes a lot of noise. So I understand about the uncontrollable screaming, it was as if someone else had taken over my vocal cords.
    And I agree with you on the toe thing - unless I had hair on my toes like my (very hairy) italian husband, I wouldn't wax them. However, I would wax them before I would shave them, because, man talk about a pain to do. For the record, I do have hair on my toes - but thankfully it is blond.

  7. here's a science lesson - not everyone has toe - or finger hair - it is a recessive gene trait - ok, go google it and find out for yourselves - the video made me laugh this morning, thanks, i needed it today.

  8. I almost died reading this point. GAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    Maybe I need to go write about the time I found a LIVE RAT in our shower. OMG!

  9. First off... Buf-Puf! Ha!

    Second... funny video.

    Thanks for all the laughs.

  10. I'm with you on the waxing, no thank you. And the rat! AND THE SNAKE!!!???!!! I think I would have passed out. Blech. Ahhh, but thank you for ending it with that hilarious video. I saw that a while back and sent it to everyone I know. Kills me every time - two minutes, HA!

    Btw, I received an email from Disney shopping this morning advertising a bunch of Toy Story toys, so check there :)

  11. The Conchords are going to be in the April/May issue of BUST magazine if you're interested...

    I was going to tell you my funny mouse in the bed story (scared the hell out of me. I thought it was a lizard b/c it kept running around so fast!) but I have a more pressing question for you and your commenters:

    If you got pregnant right now would you continue to nurse Henry?

    I still nurse my 23 month old, (everyone I know thinks its totally weird). I'm 4 weeks pregnant. Family and friends are saying, "well now you HAVE to quit nursing him" but I don't see how I can without serious drama. He LOVES to nurse. He's had a cold for a couple weeks and is nursing non-stop when I'm around. Real fun. But I can't imagine quitting.

    Anyway, just wondering if anyone had any insight. I've been doing some web browsing and I know its fairly common to tandem nurse or nurse while pregnant, but in my small circle in KS, its pretty strange.

    Sorry to hijack your post:)

  12. 1. you scared the $#@% out of me with those pictures
    2. The videos are hilarious
    3. I shave my toes maybe once a month and ankles too. If you don't want to shave them, buy the NADS facial hair strips. They are the perfect size. And I doubt your toes will break out like your face did. No offense taken anonymous poster..I've got HAIRY TOES!!
    4. That skin discoloration during pregnancy is common--melasma?

  13. Anon, one of the things I learned when I got to college was that everybody has toe hair. And now I shave mine. And while I sometimes wax my eyebrows, I would/will NEVER wax my toes. OUCH.
    And Jen, I jump every single time I walk by the pile of leftover spider rings in the basement.

  14. Okay. Time to get a C-A-T!! Leave it outside to catch the mice, snakes, etc. Yikes! - got chills just thinking about it!

    (Even if the snake was fake!!!!!)


  15. lmao Poor Jen.

    I had a faux roach I liked to scare people with. That sucker was like 3-4 inches and looked SO real. I have no idea how I ended up with it, because I would never buy such a scary thing.

    And yes, I have toe hair too. But considering I have PCOS and a plethora of hair growing out of every follicle of this damned body, the toe didn't shock me.

    lol @ your boot comment (no offense)

  16. Anon 2: I haven't had the chance to look it up on Google, but according to my husband, who has taught many a science class, he says U R wrong.

    Unless they have apropecia, mammals have some amount of hair on their digits. He then added that even whales have hair. When I asked where? He said, "On their fingers and toes of course." And Elizabeth who overheard this discussion went crazy yelling, "NO DEM DON'T! Daddy U R CWAZY!"

    I can't believe 99.9% of what he says so this will require an investigation...

  17. It's a good thing it's a slow day at my job

    - - Mid-digital Hair
    The presence of hair on the middle segment of the fingers is caused by a dominant gene, M. The homozygous recessive condition, mm, results in the lack or absence of hair on the middle segments of the fingers. Examine your hands closely since the hairs may be small in length and light in color.

    This is what my kids came home from Science class when they were studying heredity - - google, "recessive traits, toe hair" -- that's ok - i'm used to being wrong - but i don't think so this time. Charlie - i think you are a great guy - but wrong this time!

  18. Anon: You win. I'll let Charlie know that he doesn't know more than a 5th grader!

    Carmen: If I were to find out that I'm pregnant right now - I'd pass out. But I suspect that Henry would continue to nurse off of my unconscious body because he shows no sign of weaning.

    OK seriously. Yes, I would continue to nurse him. I know of several people who have successfully nursed one child while incubating another. Although, I've heard that your supply could drop off, which would probably help with the weaning process, if that's what you wanted to do.

    Since I had weaned the triplets before I became pg w/ Henry, I don't have any firsthand experience. But I have also heard that nursing may become uncomfortable as your pregnancy progresses b/c your nipples become very sensitive. You might want to check with Heather @ because she is nursing her twin infant boys AND her 3-year-old twin girls.

    So, yes. It can be done.

    Congrats on your pregnancy!! :)

  19. I love that song. It's classic especially the recycling night comment. Hmmm sweet romance.

    FYI the toe thing is a breeze. You'll barely notice the skin down there is as tough as an alligator. Everywhere else? Forget about it . Yikes`

  20. Hye Jen - go read under confessions she has an entry about a prank her husband pulled on her with a fake snake. I would have killed him!

  21. "Henry would continue to nurse off of my unconscious body..."

    I'm using that quote in the future with my son's name... I love it!

    Thanks for the support:)I've read Heather's blog before but I didn't realize she nursed so many kids! Ha! And I was feeling overwhelmed by nursing my one 2-yr-old. What a wake-up call!


  22. I'm a waxer. Well, on myself that is. I do my lip, it's actually not so bad, but maybe it's because I really do have hair there. I too have the hairy toes, but I don't care much about it, no one ever sees my toes anyway.

    That video = hilarious.

    Thanks for the great post.

    Carmen - I agree with everything Jen said about the nursing during pregnancy. Lots of women do it, it might get uncomfortable (I've heard the 5 month mark is uncomfortable). Right now I am still nursing my almost 2 year old and plan to TTC in the next couple months. I might try to cut down on the nursing while TTC but don't plan to wean him. I am *hoping* my son will self wean while I am pregnant.