Every time I write a new post about how this phase of my life is especially difficult and oh, wow, when is it going to get better ... I almost don't publish because really, how many times should I say the same thing over and over again? Aren't you sick of me yet??
Then, I do publish and feel like a heel that I'm openly complaining about these beautiful children that I've been blessed with after having wanted for so long.
But here's the thing.
My children ... or rather, OUR children?
They are making me question my level of mental competence. Whenever I'm around them, I feel like I am skating on the thin ice of sanity and it is AFRICA hot outside.
Yesterday, I worked most of the day. Charlie was with the kids. I mention that because I wasn't even exposed to them that much. But when I was trying to get everyone ready for bed last night - with Charlie less than two feet away - I started to go mad. I don't even know what the children were doing that caused me to combust, but it was ANNOYING.
More than ever, I pray a lot.
I pray for people, situations, moments. But mostly, I pray for myself. I pray for guidance and strength almost constantly through out the day. Yet even with all this prayer and the request for God in my life AT ALL TIMES, it seems like the devil has a way of creeping in.
Today, while I was trying to load the children in to the car after swimming lessons and Elizabeth picked up a handful of dirt and threw it in Gracie's face ... and Gracie grabbed the third seatbelt that hangs from the ceiling in the back of the van and whacked Elizabeth in the head ... and William ripped the built-in privacy screen completely off the window ... I had a vision of driving down to Mexico and dropping them off.
I envisioned abandoning my children in Mexico before picking up some carne asada, a case of Corona and hightailing it back home, over the border. While my children cried and searched for me, I'd be home sucking down a beer and cooking steak on the grill.
In a quiet, peaceful environment.
And this made me take pause.
Aren't mother's supposed to love their children above anyone else?? What kind of mother entertains the thought of abandoning her children in a third world country?? Worse probably yet than entertaining those thoughts ... was that I told them that if they keep up their behavior, they are going to go live with a new family that speaks Spanish.
When I called Charlie to tell him that I was having these horrible thoughts, he said "Jen, don't feel badly. It isn't abandonment. It's second-language immersion."
The fact that he can see where I'm coming from??
That's got to be the work of the devil.
So tonight, Charlie and I are going on a much needed date. It's the first time that we've ever left them with someone who isn't related to us. Once we feed the kids and put them to bed, our good Christian neighbor is coming over to read a book in our living room and hold down the fort. We're thinking of going to see a movie. Or maybe we'll drive south to Mexico.
There are no guarantees, however, that we'll be back.