Thursday, May 06, 2010

whatever will be will be

Let's see. How am I doing?

Well, a lot better than I was yesterday. That's for sure.

When I went to bed Tuesday night, I laid awake for hours, desperately afraid that my pregnancy was ending. When I woke up on Wednesday morning, I was sure of it. Yesterday, I had a doctor's appointment at which time I realized that although I had my due date correct, I thought I was eight weeks pregnant when in reality, I'm only six and a half.

(And once again, I find it ironic that someone who doesn't know how to count very well is in a job where they manage multi-million dollar contracts.)

From everything I told the doctor, he too thinks that I might be experiencing a miscarriage although we probably won't know for sure for at least a few more days. Although I had an ultrasound as early as six weeks with our triplets, they didn't perform one yesterday. Instead, I had blood drawn which will be repeated in 48 hours. And then, depending upon what happens over the next few days, I may or may not have an ultrasound on Monday.

I'm preparing myself for the worst.

With both of my "surprise" pregnancies, Charlie thought I should have waited until at least the first ultrasound - or preferably, the end of my first trimester - to announce the news that we are expecting. And while some might prefer to keep something so personal very private, I was so excited to have shared what is going on. And now that I am experiencing what appears to be such grave complications, it is very comforting to me that people truly understand what we are going through. Since I have told most of my coworkers, when I've had to cancel participation in various meetings at the last minute because of an urgent doctor's appointment and the need to remain at home and rest, they have offered prayers and words of healing that cannot be paralleled.

Because people know, I don't feel like I'm going through this by myself and that is a tremendous comfort. As one might imagine, the range of emotions that I've experienced over the past few days have been extreme. From relief that came from telling my boss that I won't be accepting the transfer; to jubilation that I will have ample time at home with a brand new baby and our other children; to worry that something might be wrong; to absolute dread and fear and panick that something WAS wrong; to a feeling of helplessness ... desperation ... and pleading.

Dear God, Please. No!

Yesterday, Charlie took the children out for a few hours and while they were gone I had the ugliest cry I can ever recall having in my entire life. It was a sob session of sadness and fear and sheer frustration.

While I know that 20% of all pregnancies end in miscarriage - and while I know that an early miscarriage is a sign that something was wrong and it's better to have a pregnancy end sooner than later - and while I know we are incredibly lucky to have four healthy children - the thought that I might actually be experiencing a miscarriage had me completely and totally crushed.

Because with all of my heart, I really want this baby. And I don't give a hoot if people think I am greedy or irresponsible for having four children and wanting another. Although just a few weeks ago I didn't even know that this new life existed, now I do and the dreams that I've long held for any of my children, have risen to the surface of my mind for this new baby.

I've dreamed about the life that is in me, and the potential of that life to come.

I've dreamed about the color of our new baby's eyes - the color of it's hair - the feel of it's beautiful, soft, baby skin. The sound of it's cries and the sound of it's laughter and glee when I kiss it's neck or whenever it sees it's older siblings. I've dreamed about delivering this baby, nursing this baby, swaddling this baby, and cradling this baby in my arms. I've dreamed about holding it's hand and watching it grow and loving it every single day of my life.

And yet, I'm a scientist. So I understand the science behind conception and if an organism isn't meant to survive, it won't. I know that at this moment, my baby is a very rudimentary human being who may not be entirely suited for life and there isn't a darn thing I can do about it.

What will be will be. The future's not ours to see.

Que Sera, Sera.

I also know that I did nothing to cause this, although I'm sure it doesn't help that I've got 39 year old eggs and have been an absolute stress case for the past few weeks. Thankfully, I know I can't blame myself, so I won't even try. Giving birth to a healthy baby is nothing short of a miracle. There are so many things that can and do go wrong. At least for me, sometimes it takes a reminder like this to remember just how incredibly miraculous life really is.

We had told the children that I would be having a new baby around Christmas time and they have been so gentle, doting on me and bringing me flowers. They are absolutely thrilled that there will be something precious and small in the house and they haven't once asked for a guinea pig or puppy since they've found out.

We haven't told them yet about what is going on and we won't tell them anything, until we know for sure. Or, until they ask again. Right now, all they know is that Mommy is showering them with affection. Last night, as I rotated through holding all four of them tightly in my arms, they sweetly asked, "Mommy, why do you keep hugging us and giving us so many kisses?"

And I said, "Because I can. Because you are here. And because I am so incredibly thankful to have you."

74 comments:

  1. Beautiful :*) An amazing perspective.

    And I'm sure Charlie is showering you with much needed hugs and love too.

    Thanks for updating! ((((Jen))) You are in my prayers.

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  2. This is a beautiful post, no matter what the ultimate outcome. It would help anyone else going through your situation to read your thoughtful and heartfelt words.

    I will pray for you and your family.

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  3. Jen, I had no idea! I've been MIA from the blog world for awhile. I'll totally be praying for you. I'm so glad you've shared this. And anyone who thinks your selfish...well...let 'em. As overwhelming as my 5 kids are sometimes, I wouldn't do it any other way. Sometimes we talk about "what if" we'd had the trips first? Would we have tried for more? I give you lots of credit. You're brave and confident and flat out amazing!

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  4. I'm so, so sorry. I hope and pray that you will get through this, however it turns out. Hold on to the joy that little tiny baby has brought to you and your family. Any words said right now seem so trivial but I just wanted you to know that I'm praying for you, your family and the baby.

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  5. Thank you for sharing. I was also not a secretive pregnant person. I understand my folks wait until the second trimester to say anything, but it's not my style.

    I wish you and Baby much health. I hope that this ends up being nothing but a scary and quickly overshadowed hiccup and that we meet Baby in December.

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  6. Continuing to pray for you -- may you be blessed with peace and comfort...and a beta that continues to double!

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  7. I totally agree with you about telling those around you early about your news. I could never wait the three months they say you are supposed to. First of all it's big news in your life and very difficult to keep to yourself. Secondly, if you are going through the worst you will need support. A miscarriage should not be a secret like one is supposed to be ashamed of what is happening to them. If people know your situation they are more sensitive to and your needs during that time no matter how it turns out. With all that you have going on I think you were right to say something. I hope the best for your and your family and will be thinking about you over the next few days.
    Kim (Canada)

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  8. *Hugs* praying for all of you.

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  9. Tear Eyed here in Arizona! I definitely know what you are going through. This is the most awful experience and I hope that what you are feeling is NOT a miscarriage. I hope Little Mr./Mrs. amazing makes it through this. However, if it does happen just remember you have many people that love you and that can support you through this incredibly difficult time! Many hugs and kisses from Arizona!

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  10. I totally agree with you telling those around you early. I don't understand why you are "supposed" to keep it a secret when it is such a huge life event. If the worst does happen you will need the support of those people as well. I could never keep it a secret for 3 months with my pregnancies - my goodness I felt like everyone could see right through me anyway!
    I wish the best for you and your family over the next few days and will be thinking of you.
    Kim (Canada)

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  11. Jen I am so sorry for what you are going through...there are so many things I could say but I won't. Just know that I am praying for your family.
    Kathy

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  12. Amy in Baltimore5/6/10, 3:57 PM

    I'm sure you're probably being inundated with emails that have the message of "there is no deeper sadness than losing a child" and I am sure you're totally astonished by how many people have experienced the guttural sobs for the same reason that you have. I've been there. It's a devastation that is almost physically confusing. It's a lonely feeling. But I know God walked my husband and I through our experience by reminding us of the words "He gives and takes away." If you know the song "Blessed Be the Name of the Lord," I urge you to sing it over and over again because that chorus of "He gives and takes away" just really brings a peace and a calm.

    And I'll share with you the words my OB shared with me (she went through the same thing). She said "in some ways it's harder to lose a baby when you already have one. you know what you've lost." I think that brought me some comfort from the guilt of feeling that I shouldn't be sad because I already have a beautiful little boy. It was helpful.

    BUT...the bigger deal here is that we should continue to pray for a healthy little baby! I'll be doing my part!!! Your words in this post show such a wisdom...and even if you forced yourself to write them, you did a great service for a great many people.

    Sorry for the novella...but you should know that while your relationship with your readers may be virtual, our love for you is not! You continue to inspire.

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  13. Sending prayers.
    I hope your scary early pregnancy symptoms turn out to be nothing more than scary symptoms.
    I'm almost 18w along now, but between 6-7 weeks I was convinced everything was ending - I had horrible cramps, diarrhea, and was spotting. Some kind ladies on the babysteps (Camryn's) board were quite reassuring. Some had everything go fine even with bright red blood - due to subchorionic hematomas.
    When I discussed with my husband that nothing was assured, etc., he replied yes, but at least it happened in the first place. I'm 38 this month and this is our 2nd pregnancy in 16 years of no preventive measures - and quite a few years of assisted trying with countless IUIs, an IVF, and a FET. Both this one and the one five years ago, that happened while waiting for 2nd IVF cycle, were spontaneous. So we agreed that whatever happened, we would at least be encouraged that it *could* still happen.

    I know you want this baby. Of course you do. So, I hope your bloodwork comes back with a nice strong number, that you have a reassuring ultrasound, and that you have no more scares.

    s_in_CT

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  14. Esther Weathers5/6/10, 4:09 PM

    You are in my prayers. I wish I could offer you more insight or other words of comfort but just know that someone in SC who LOVES reading your blog and agrees with you most 99% of the time is thinking of you.

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  15. I admire your strength and positive attitude. I am sending lots of good vibes your way!

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  16. I lost a five week pregnancy this time last year. Doesn't matter how early or how late, if you've let them in your heart.

    Tons of hugs Jenn. Am hopeful for you.

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  17. I'm praying for you and your family....

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  18. I will be thinking good thoughts.

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  19. Jen, I hesitate to call but know that you are in my thoughts and prayers.
    MOM

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  20. I have never commented on your blog before, but I'm an avid follower. Your honesty about all things is truly refreshing. Having gone through two painful miscarriages (while undergoing infertility treatments) myself, my heart goes out to you (although I hope it's not the case for you). At the same time I applaud you for being candid about the situation. You are right--there is nothing you did to bring this on (including stress), and nothing you can do to prevent it. There is such a taboo in our society, unfortunately, about talking about pregnancy loss, as if it's a shameful thing. Anything to lessen that is laudable. All the best to you and your family...you'll be in my thoughts.

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  21. You will be in my thought. I truly hope this baby makes it. You sound like a wonderful mother. Take care.

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  22. Jen get as much rest as you can, I KNOW how you feel and there's nothing I can say to make you feel any better, thinking of you.

    cackle

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  23. I'm so so so sorry, Jen. I am so sorry you are going through this and hope it is all an abberation. I started bleeding horribly at 11 weeks with the trips and we all knwo how that ended. I wouldn't give up hope yet. I am praying for you.

    (((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))))

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  24. Oh I am so sorry. I will pray for your comfort and health. ((hugs))

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  25. I will pray that everything will be okay.
    I do know what you are going through because last Wednesday, I had a D&C for yet another miscarriage. This time I was 8 weeks along and actually saw a hearbeat. I had never gotten that far (besides the triplets) in the other pregnancies. Though this was a surprise, I so badly wanted this baby. It stinks that I can never be excited in the beginning because there is always this fear.

    I think that each time, God teaches me something. We still have frozen eggs and I believe that I am better cared for by high risk doctors.

    There always seems to be a reason for everything. I in no way would ever think of you as greedy for wanting another child. We need more mothers like you who would do anything for their kids.

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  26. We've been so worried here. I know how difficult this is for you and Charlie. I remember it well; my Mother and sister Lisa do as well. Your words state beautifully the feelings of each and everyone of us. I am so sorry and can only hope for the best at this time.

    I wish there was more that I could do for you. I wish I was there to take the kids out for you both. I wish I was there to cry with you. I wish I was there to give you a hug. Praying. Praying is all I can do. So that's what we are doing here for all of you. Love, Marg.

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  27. Prayers are coming your way. So hopeful that everything will be fine. Good luck as you navigate the next few days/weeks. I know it can be devastating.

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  28. Oh Jennifer, I'm so sorry for what you're going through. I went through a miscarriage back in September at 8 weeks pregnant. My due date would have been this coming Monday. I thought I was "done" grieving the loss, but I found myself crying again the other night when I realized the due date was approaching. I have definitely healed, although I won't ever forget. I so want to be anticipating the arrival of that baby. It seems weird to grieve for a baby you haven't met, but the loss is real and legitimate. I'm praying for you.
    ~Allison (I sent you the "poop" song back in 2007) :)

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  29. Prayers and hugs coming your way from NY.

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  30. Oh Jen. Praying, PRAYING for your Christmas miracle baby. Hang in there . . . . . .

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  31. Still keeping you and your family in my thoughts and keeping my fingers crossed that all turns out well.

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  32. sending hugs and prayers your way

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  33. I'm so sorry that you're going through this. I hope that things work out. Praying for you and your family!

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  34. Oh. This post brought tears to my eyes. I'll keep praying for you. Even though we've never met in real life, I truly feel like I know you. Hold in there, lady.

    Marla @ www.asthefarmturns.wordpress.com

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  35. I did this at 39 too. I have several misscarriages early in the pregnancy so they were "missed". The last one, I carried to 6 months. It was devastating.
    I truly believe that the pain and heartbreak are the same no matter when the fetal demise takes place.
    My prayers are with you.
    We asked to not have testing done to the fetus but we did have testing done to me afterwards because I was afraid I contacted fifths disease. Turns out I have a clotting issue that snuck up after having one baby. We can try again but I need to take more B complex and an aspirin every day. Now all I need is health insurance and at 41 I'm going for it.
    You have time, 43 is considered old. That gives you 4 good years to have another. I know that doesn't help what you are going through right now but believe me, you will be headstrong to try again.
    God bless you.

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  36. You are so right. A healthy child is a miracle. I know this all too well. One of my 15 month old triplet girls is terminally ill with a rare metabolic disease called Leighs Syndrome. There is no treatment and no cure. I'm so happy for you that you have 4 healthy children and I hope this pregnancy ends with a 5th healthy baby for you to love.

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  37. Keeping my fingers and toes crossed for you, but you're right if it's not meant to be, well there's not much you can do about it.

    Keeping you and Charlie in my prayers.

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  38. {{{{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}}}}
    I'll be stalking here as much as possible, waiting for news and keeping you (and everyone else in your family) in my thoughts.

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  39. that's the thing with miscarriages the dreaming never stops god the pain of being able to picture her and know with all your heart that's what she would have been like its horrible i pleaded and cried but some things are just meant to be just now being able to forgive god i know it wasn't him but i had to blame someone at the time i hope and pray that it doesn't happen to you and your family

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  40. I've had 4 miscarriages so I know first hand that it's very hard and I have been blessed with 1 child!! I would have loved to have more but I'm now too old and it just didn't happen for my family!!! Not sure why some people are blessed with 4 children and why some are not able to conceive at all. It's really unfair but it's all really God's will. What helped me to calm my anxieties is to repeat over and over again, "Thy Kingdom come, thy will be done!!!" This way you completely give this decision up to God. I hope this helps you to be more at peace with Gods decision for your family!!!

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  41. Oh Jen, I hope your sweet baby OK, sending lots of P&PT... I've been there and it hurts to think of u going through this

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  42. Just want to send you some hugs and let you know I'm praying for you and for your baby in utero...

    I know you didn't meant this to be controversial, but not all losses in the first trimester are because something is "wrong" with the baby. Lots of babies are lost because of simple physiological problems with the mother, like a simple lack of progesterone. I, unfortunately, know this from experience as I miscarried a baby due to low progesterone.

    My twins were stillborn also due to a maternal issue (they had no issues themselves, they were stillborn due to TTTS)...

    anyway, I just wanted to add that. A lot of people say that "it was meant to be...the baby had problems" for all 1st trimester losses, but it simply isn't true (and not that it matters anyway)...

    sending you love and light...i hope that you get some good news soon. (((hugs)))

    xoxo,
    erika

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  43. I am so sorry Jen & pray with all my heart that this isn't what you & the doctor think it could be. There's still hope until there isn't.

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  44. ((hugs)) I know how scary it can be - I had horrible bleeding and cramps with my son's pregnancy. I'm very thankfully that he's now a healthy 7 year old. Take care of yourself and rest as much as possible (w/ 4 kids). You're in my prayers.
    Ali/IL

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  45. May 4th was the anniversary of my due date for my baby that should-have-been... the baby that would have been a one-year-old now. I miscarried at 12 weeks and it was the most crushing pain that I have ever felt in my life. Like you, I hugged the two children that I did have and loved on them all the more.

    As I type this now, I am holding my infant son, who will be two months old on Saturday. I am cherishing his babyhood so much more because of what I did lose. You are so right that each healthy child is a miracle.

    My thoughts and prayers are with you, Jen. Whatever happens, you are still amazing to me and so many other people.

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  46. Oh Jen, I've everything crossed for you.

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  47. Oh no. I am hoping that your baby holds on and everything turns out fine. I had a miscarriage 2 years ago so I know how heartbreaking it can be and how much you can love a child that you have only dreamed about.

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  48. Jen, I'm so sorry, I will continue to hope and pray for the best. Having had 3 miscarriages as well as 3 healthy pregnancies which gave me five children, Ican imagine how you feel. Again, many thoughts and prayers around the world are with you. Sandie in Singapore

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  49. Oh Hon, I am so sorry. I really hope everything is ok either way. My thoughts and prayers go out to you.

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  50. Wow, I can't imagine what you must be feeling, but this verse, memorized long ago in my childhood, popped into my head as I thought about what I would wish for you in this difficult situation. "May the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." (Phil 4:7) Hoping for the best for you and your family.

    Dana- a fan of the amazing trips blog

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  51. Sending you all the love and prayers in the world, Jen. Grow, angel, grow!

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  52. I am so worried about you. No comments posted from Tuesday and this post do not make me feel very confident.

    You didn't do the wrong thing in sharing, you are not selfish or greedy in wanting this baby.

    I truly hope everything is okay and this baby is healthy and makes it. Thinking of you.

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  53. Praying Hard for you!

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  54. Hey Jen,

    Just checking on you...I told Mark you would write something and I am so glad you did:)

    "Whatever will be will be"... all True...still so very hard.

    Sending you & Charlie Love,

    me

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  55. oh Jen, I hope you are ok. I hope and pray that your baby is ok. I know how much that pain hurts, I had two losses. One I had physical pain with and one I did not. Just that going back and having blood drawn etc.

    On another note, if you get them a pet, get a dog, not a guinea pig, too fragile for little kids:)

    Karen

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  56. I came across your blog and can't say how sorry I am for the waiting and not knowing. It is absolute and exhausting sheer torture. I know, I've been there too. I hope for the best though for you and your family.

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  57. I'm sorry. There is not much else to say except that I've been there and it is such a hard wait. I'll be praying for you and your family.

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  58. I'm in tears. I'll be praying so hard for you. Such inadequate words...but I will.

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  59. My thoughts are with you and hoping for the best!

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  60. I'm so sorry to hear what you're going through. Losing a baby is so painful, and not knowing what's going on is simply dreadful. When I was experiencing a loss, it was an agonizing 3 weeks before we knew for sure that it was over, and the best advice I received was to "enjoy this baby while you have it and relish every moment of your pregnancy, in spite of the outcome." I pray your baby is just fine, but even if not, I pray you can savor the baby while he or she is here on earth with you and know that you'll have someone beautiful and miraculous awaiting your arrival in heaven.

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  61. Jen, you and your little baby are in my prayers. I am hoping and praying for a sweet miracle for you.

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  62. OK, so you have me crying...because I'm there with you right now. I'm praying that all is well and that this little life is growing and your body will quiet down. I'm glad you shared this early. Some don't understand, but I do. We just went thru our 3rd FET and although I've been blessed with our wonderful 6 adopted kiddos, we were so hoping for this little life to make it. I've never felt a loss quite like this. But I hear your fears, your dreams, your ups and downs. It's a crazy emotional rollercoaster! You are an amazing Mom who loves her kiddos like nothing else! Including this little one for as long as you live! It's ok to love this life and to feel joy and to grieve if need be. I'm praying! Hope to hear good news soon!

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  63. I hate that you have to go through the worry. I pray for a good result from the blood work and ultrasound. My heart goes out to you. I just went though this in December, and my sister went through it this past month. My heart goes out to you.

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  64. Waiting with bated breath and keeping you and your tiny miracle in my prayers.

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  65. I'm so sorry you are sitting in that horrid limbo and state of now knowing. My first pregnancy ended in a miscarriage at about 6 weeks and because we hadn't told anyone, there wasn't anyone around me. Finding the words or strength to reach out was impossible and it was a dark, long, lonely road.

    You all will be in my thoughts and prayers this weekend. I hope you see some nice numbers, some doubling or more numbers. Watching my HcG numbers jump from 750 to over 2800 in my 2nd pregnancy brought some great relief, for a moment. Even now at almost 3, it's still amazing to me that she's really here, and really mine.

    You are not alone, definitely not alone.

    The only advice I have, and the only advice that really made sense to me, is what you're already doing: validate your feelings. There is no right or wrong way to feel in this spot, you feel what you feel.

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  66. Wow, what an emotional time you are going through at the moment.
    I know, becuase I suffered 2 miscarriages before my precious first baby was born just 10 days ago.
    No amount of advice or stories from other people can take away the pain you are feeling now and might feel in the future, so be gentle on yourself and continue to cherish your beautiful children you already have. But don't forget this little one who might only be with you for a moment, it is still a baby concieved with love and who will continue to live in your heart forever.

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  67. Oh, I am so sorry. (And I should have read newest to oldest before I went commenting on your older posts...)

    I have felt this sadness and loss - even at very early stages of pregnancy, it is still a loss of expectation and joy. And a huge hormonal upheaval. :)

    Hang in there. And keeping kissing and loving your kids. They are forever.

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  68. Oh Jen, my thoughts are with you. I lost my second baby two days ago after discovering there wasn't a heartbeat at my 8weeks scan, it hurt to go to hospital pregnant and come home empty.

    You are absolutely right...even when you know the statistics of miscarriage and the reasons for miscarrying, it totally rips your soul in two when it happens.

    I'm sending a tonne of sticky babydust your way and hope that this is nothing more than a horrible false alarm. If the worst happens, know you are dearly loved and supported. All my love to you and your beautiful family.

    xx Em

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  69. Oh golly, your words resonated with me...
    First time in a long time I've had a moment to check your wonderful blog - I was pregnant for the first time while you were expecting Henry, and now after 3 precious losses we are (with luck and love) expecting another little man in July.
    I'm sending all the best wishes and love in the world, that your newest miracle stays with you and your beautiful family. x

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  70. ((((((Jen)))))) I bled terribly with my fifth pregnancy, not spotted, BLED. Got on Prometrium asap and I really think that's what prevented a third miscarriage. Today I have a beautiful, happy, healthy chunky little monkey. Don't lose hope. Miracles do happen. You have four to prove that. Either way I'll be praying...

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  71. Dear Jen,
    I hope the very best or you and pray that you will not suffer a miscarriage! When I carried my first child I told it everyone as soon as I knew because I couldn't keep those news for myself. When I lost it in the 9th week it was hard to tell all the people who kept asking but on the other hand I appreciated all the nice words of comfort they had for me. When I was pregnant again I decided again to tell it early (and this time I got a healthy daughter) and again many people gave me hope and kind words which made the fear easier.
    AND having said all this I'd like to share that when I was expecting my second daughter I told my doctor that I would be in week 8 while I was in week 5 in reality.
    Maybe it's the hormons... ;o)
    Best wishes for you and you family and the new life you are expecting!

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  72. Oh It must be a very Bitter sweet place to be at the moment.
    I too announced my Babies at Like 2 mins conception!! lol!
    As mY ob/gyno said you are either Pregnant or not,You can't be alittle pregnant so Like you I wanted people to know and laugh,cry,Celebrate or whatever with me.
    My prayers are with you at the moment.

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  73. I am so so sorry.

    May, June be a better month.

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