First, and most importantly, I really want to thank all of the wonderful people who have left me comments and sent me e-mails over the past few days offering compassion, support and encouragement. Your words have lifted my spirits in ways that I cannot articulate. From the bottom of my heart, thank you.
Second, one minute I'm fine and at peace with what has happened. The next minute - or perhaps several minutes later - I'm not. Since I've been preparing myself and mourning that this pregnancy was not going to continue for the past several days, it didn't come as a terrible surprise when my doctor called yesterday with my lab results. Still, my emotions are all over the map. I can think and talk about this loss very logically and while I fully recognize that many of my thoughts have been totally irrational, that doesn't stop me from falling in to a pit of grief and sorrow every two hours. (Give or take 45 minutes.)
Third, this has been an emotionally difficult month. We've been faced with some huge decisions about moving cross-country, selling our house, buying a new house, enrolling our children in school, starting a new job, getting acclimated in a new environment, resigning from my position, staying in my position, welcoming a new baby and now, losing a baby. While in some ways this miscarriage seems like a cruel joke, I truly believe that I can see God's Fingerprints even on this sad situation. On Sunday afternoon, I was caught in a sunbeam outside. It was such a beautiful moment. As I stood with my eyes closed, asking for inner peace and guidance, I suddenly felt my body grow cold and the sky grow dark as a cloud passed before the sun. I opened my eyes and could see that the cloud was small and soon it blew past and I was warm again. Isn't that the way it is with life? Sometimes the clouds are bigger than others and sometimes, rain will fall. But eventually, the sun will come out again and when it does, it warm us from the inside out.
Fourth, while this might be TMI for some, I've found it very helpful to read other women's experiences as I've been going through this. So for me, it all started last Monday afternoon. At first I noticed very light spotting, and almost immediately, I started to have pains in my lower back and slight cramping. By Monday night, the cramping had stopped but the spotting continued through Tuesday. While I was fearing a miscarriage, I was also wondering if perhaps I was expecting multiples again since the experience was almost identical to my seventh week of pregnancy with the triplets. But by Wednesday morning, unlike my triplet pregnancy, there was bright red bleeding which continued until Sunday. My HCG levels on Wednesday were 429. Two days later they had dropped to 400. Because the levels are so low, the doctor doesn't believe an ultrasound is necessary but might be completed when I go in for my third round of blood work, tomorrow - just so we can determine the next course of action.
Fifth, Last but not least, I would like to take a moment to acknowlegdge my mother's "Senior Moment" and the way it made me laugh harder than I've laughed in days. When you are calling your daughter to offer your condolenscences on her miscarriage and then at the end of the conversation add that Land's End has an amazing selection of maternity clothes and then pause for a moment before saying, "Oh Wait! Oh No! Did I just say that? I'm so sorry! Umm. How are the kids? Did you try that recipe I sent you?!" please understand that the gasping you hear on the other end very well might be laughter, not sobbing. Sometimes, nothing cracks the ice like a totally inappropriate comment. And when that happens, it's always helpful to have your sense of humor fully intact.
I'm convinced of it ... laughter really does cure almost all of life's ills.