Saturday, May 15, 2010
april showers bring ... may flooding
I wasn't going to write about this. I really had planned to hold it in until I know more. But I always write about what's on my mind and this time is certainly no different.
Yesterday, the first blow that came during my doctor's appointment was my OB telling me that this was an ectopic pregnancy that would not be viable. The second blow, which rattled me only slightly at the time, but hit me full force today, was when he turned the ultrasound monitor around to show me several large cysts on my left ovary that have him concerned.
Concerned because I have a history of cancer in my immediate family. And because he is extremely conservative and aggressive - which I highly appreciate - he promptly scheduled a detailed ultrasound for me in a few weeks once my HCG levels are down. Pending the results of the ultrasound, a biopsy may or may not be performed. (I'm obviously hoping for the "not".)
I've spent a lot of time on Google over the past few 24 hours and I'll admit, I'm feeling pretty shaken right now. Because as it turns out, and it might be totally psychosomatic, I have a lot of the same symptoms that one might experience if there was a problem.
Although I pray that this is just a benign issue that will resolve itself - or not pose any threat - I can't help but be thankful that if not for this pregnancy, I might not have known what was going on until who knows when? Nonetheless, today it took everything in my power to not break down and sob uncontrollably in front of my children. Try as I might, I could not block the image out of my mind that I won't be there to see them growing up and well, that completely knocks the air right out of me. I'm sure my wildly fluctuating hormones aren't helping the situation any.
(And that whole move to Virginia is back on the table. We're supposed to be there by July 5.)
I don't know about you, but this stuff is stressing and depressing the heck out of me. So until I have something more chipper to report, I'm taking a blogging hiatus. But before I go - thank you, a million times over, for your notes and prayers and phone calls. I am reading every word that you send to me. Sometimes, twice. Or ten times. Or printing them out and carrying them around.
I don't feel like I'm quite so alone in all of this and for that, I'm extremely grateful.