In my mind, I wake up at dawn and exercise until my body burns. In reality, I wake up at dawn and lay in bed for an hour, watching the ceiling fan, while thinking, "I should get up. I should really get up."
In my mind, once I've worked out, I come home and have a light lunch of grilled chicken and organic arugula, before doing an hour of yoga. In reality, once I've worked out, I come home and eat a plate of chocolate chip cookies, chocolate covered peanuts, a handful of inorganic grapes, and participate in a conference call about the fate and transport of petroleum hydrocarbons in fractured bedrock.
In my mind, I have such inner strength and peace, I float down the river of life like a delicate leaf, going where ever the current takes me and possessing absolute confidence in my place in the Universe and in the energy that surrounds and propels me. In reality, I flail down the river of life like a wet mangy dog that fights every bend and current, with it's head barely above water, howling as if it is going to drown.
Yesterday, my company offered me a new job. But unlike previous offers, this is the first time I haven't turned them down. I'm currently mulling it over with Charlie. At this very moment, we're actually considering selling the little house that we've lived in for the past 12 years and moving to some place new, outside of San Diego. And while we do complain about things from time to time and say that we would WELCOME change, suddenly, I love our neighborhood more than I ever have and the thought of moving makes me nauseous.
We are both fearful about what the future holds.
Or rather, I am fearful.
It seems "Jen of little faith" is also "Jen of great fear." Charlie is the beautiful leaf serenely floating down the river of life - ready to welcome anything that comes his way - and open to whatever it is that I want to do. Meanwhile, I am the wet stinky dog that is thrashing against the water and barking at it's own shadow. What I really need is for someone to take me by the hand and confidently say, "THIS WAY."
Because what I want to do is severely offset by what is responsible to do.
What I want to do is stay home with our children, teach them, nurture them as they grow and write about it all. The responsible thing to do is work and provide a steady income, benefits and security for my family.
The drawback of one is that there is no income which is important for such things as ... oh I don't know ... food and shelter. The drawback of the other is that I will miss out on a substantial portion of my children's lives because I'm gone all the bloody time.
Of course there is a third option. I could quit and Charlie could work. But everything is so unstable right now, I don't think I could handle the uncertainty.
Does this blog read like a broken record?
Broken eh, you get the point.
Despite so many things that have been happening in and around my life, I'm happy to report that I managed to work out a few times this week. In addition to going to my own YMCA, I went to the YMCA twice with my mother while I was in South Carolina and on one of those days, I participated in a water aerobics class and was put to shame by a group of seniors.
While water aerobics are difficult, they aren't nearly as difficult as trying to decide what I'll do with the rest of my life. Stay or go. Flourish or flounder. Is it possible to give yourself an aneurysm? Because I've got a head ache that just won't quit.
Life is short. Too short. And I can see - so clearly at the moment - that things can change at any moment. Which is why I want to live my life, as much as possible, with no regrets.
So while I try to grapple with my own future, I'll ask you: If you could do anything with your life, what would you do? Would you keep things status quo because you're happy as a clam in mud? Would you sell everything and travel around the world? Would you become a professional photographer - writer - astronaut - or homemaker?
For instance: This is my sister Janet's life dream. She has wanted this ALL OF HER LIFE and now, she has it. Her own little shop with a wood burning stove where she sells wool from her sheep, apple cider and crafts made by local artisans. If I could, I'd move next door and make soap and candles that I'd sell in her shop. Because it sounds fun. Doesn't it?
Leave your comment anonymously, if need be. But please, spill it.
What is your passion?
And how do you plan to accomplish that in your lifetime?