Friday, August 31, 2007

with a quick detour to pukeville

Having only made my theatrical debut today, I proudly present an unplanned encore.

With a re-reappearance of Participants:
Child 1
Child 2
Child 3
Child 4
... with guest appearances by The Dog and Two Crazy Geese.

Scene is at the kitchen table. It is now dinnertime. The family has reunited after a rather rocky afternoon, following nap time. Father had taken Child 1 and 2 to Costco, while Mother remained at home with Child 3 and 4.

While Father was out shopping, Mother decided to take Child 3 and 4 and The Dog on a walk to feed the ducks. Mother grabbed the bread heels that had been put aside, a couple bottles of water, and The Dog's collapsible water bowl.

On the half-mile walk to duck pond, Child 3 ate two of the four bread heels and drank one bottle of water. When The Dog stopped to take a poop, Child 3 ran over and was in the process of picking the poop up, bare handed, before Mother swooped in with a bag narrowly averting a horrible disaster that would have put a prompt end to the outing.

Arriving at the duck pond, Mother ties The Dog to Child 4's baby carriage, before handing bread heels to Child 3.

Child 3 excitedly waves the heels of bread in the air, attracting the attention of several ducks and Two Crazy Geese. The Geese weren't crazy at first glance, but became crazy when they saw a small Child 3 with food and decided to charge.

Child 3 screams and runs the other way - Two Crazy Geese begin to follow - but suddenly, spot The Dog and take low flight in to the pond.

The Dog, who is securely fastened to Child 4's baby carriage, starts to run in to the pond after Two Crazy Geese, before Mother screams a few expletives and steps on The Dog's front right paw, effectively stopping The Dog.

After comforting Child 3 for several minutes, the Mother puts Child 3 down with the heels of bread and they proceed to feed the ducks and Two Crazy Geese, together.

On the walk home, Child 3 wants to *help* push Child 4's baby carriage. Child 3 is weaving in and out in front of Mother, and although Mother tells Child 3 to "Pick a side of the carriage and stay there" Child 3 does not listen. Eventually, Child 3 walks in front of a wheel and although Mother tries to stop the carriage, does not do so in time, and Child 3 falls knees first on the sidewalk. Screaming ensues once Child 3 sees tiny drops of blood.

Mother takes Child 4 out of the carriage and puts them in a baby carrier and puts Child 3 in the carriage for the rest of the walk home. Moments later, Father pulls up alongside and offers to drive Child 3 the rest of the way home. The transfer is made. As Father proceeds home, with Child 1, 2 and 3 and a car full of groceries, Mother can hear Child 2 screaming for "MOMMY."

The car stops. The doors open. Father climbs out, and releases Child 2 who runs over and climbs in the baby carriage. Child 2 seems happy, but seconds later is crying for "BUNNY." As Father is driving away, a stuffed bunny comes flying out the window and directly in to the hands of a now smiling, Child 2.

Arriving home, Child 1, 2 and 3 hack in to the box of dog cookies and feed The Dog at least five cookies, each, before Mother realizes what they are doing.

After a long, long, long time, everyone is finally herded in to the house. While Father is putting away groceries, he draws the conclusion that the freezer on the inside refrigerator is failing. All of the frozen goods are transferred to the outside freezer, while Mother sets about feeding Children 1, 2 and 3 ... and nursing Child 4.

But not before Child 1 does something (who knows what??) to Child 3 that makes Child 3 cry and makes Mother yell at Child 1, because Child 1 is now dancing around like a clown and acting very naughty.

Dinner is concluded and Father decides to make a strawberry and banana ice cream shake.

Everyone is happy.

Before the shake is fully consumed, Child 3 coughs once and then throws up all over the table, chair and floor. Mother and Father look at each other and say "oh no!"

Mother and Father have a lot of experience with throw up. They are both openly praying that this throw up is not the kind that will spread through the whole family and last for two weeks.

Father gets Children 1, 2 and 3 down from the table and ushers them in to the bathroom. He fills up the tub with water and then hollers to Mother, who is cleaning the kitchen, that Child 3 has thrown up, again. Meanwhile, Child 1, who hasn't pooped in two days because they are on a self-imposed poop strike (not to be confused with constipation), cannot hold it any longer and poops in the tub.

The tub is throughly cleaned.

Children 1, 2 and 3 are reloaded and scrubbed from head to feet.

Children 1, 2 and 3 are released from the tub. Their teeth are brushed, stories are read, sippy cups of ice water are handed out ... and Mother places waterproof pads all around Child 3 and hands them a bowl, just in case they were to throw up, again.

Mother realizes that Child 3 has a better chance of hitting a home run than throwing up in a bowl, but this doesn't stop her from hoping

Mother is concerned for Child 3's health, but is equally concerned for the welfare of the new linen set she just sent a small fortune on.

Once Children 1, 2 and 3 are in bed, Mother and Father sit down, look at the shambles that is their home, and discuss how it seems life sometimes appears to be unraveling before them.

They question if it wouldn't be a good idea to fork out the small fortune necessary for daycare. They could both go back to work, make lots of money, and not watch their hair fall out and their possessions be destroyed, right before their very eyes. But then they remind each other that they LOVE this life they have chosen for themselves.

While they are trying to remember why on God's Green Earth they haven't brought in a team of trained professionals to help with the savages children, they eat a bowl of ice cream and watch TV, which is partially hidden behind ten loads of laundry.

Soon, they'll forget they had this conversation.

Until tomorrow night.


  1. OH NO!!!! OH NO!!! Let's hope this was an isolated incident and the pukefest will NOT happen again. But mine have had 2 (or 3?) times now. I've blocked it out.

  2. I am dying of laughter over here! That was so funny for me to read. I am so sorry though, I am sure it wasnt NEARLY as funny for you as it was for me. Hopefully your stay in pukeville was a short one.

  3. Hi Jenna- I just read the last few days of your blog then and hopped over to read Tertia. When I saw your comment on there, I had to giggle. I can imagine you typing that out while sitting in aircon comfort, while out in the backyard the screaming continues, under the weary supervision of Charlie....
    Now go and poop in peace ;)
    Rebecca D

  4. Oh my goodness, this is the best one yet. I was laughing out loud by the time I read about the poop strike and bathtub release. What a life you live. I'm sure your every day could be a sitcom.

  5. I am loving this series!

  6. Jen- I'm back. I just have to mention that for a $100 bucks a week, our mother's helper's only real duty was to take the children outside in the heat and watch them make mud, while mother and father sat inside on the couch in the a/c and read the newspaper and mother drank her wine and played with her one, nice, quiet baby. Best money I ever spent!!!! I was still with them the other 22 hours a day, but why should I be outside watching them when a much younger and physically more capable person could do it for me???? So what if it was raining, windy or cold, they LOVED it out there LOL!

  7. Every time I read your blog it makes my struggles with a teenager and a nine year old who thinks she is a princess seem like nothing. Thanks for the perspective! Hoping the puking is better today.


    just imagine...

  9. I have laughed out loud these last few days reading your posts, but what I should be doing is getting on my knees and praying that these things won't be happening with my 4 anytime soon! Love reading your blog...

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  11. OH MY GOSH!!!!!!!!!! I couldn't be in your shoes; I'm tired just reading it all.

    Hoping the puking stopped (but why did you put them in bed together??). In my house, if you puke you are moved to the coach surrounded with towels.

    You definitely should think about some small in-home help for when Charlie goes back to work.

  12. Jen, you have such a way with words. Your life just pops off the paper (screen) and I love it! I love your humor nad your honesty. I struggle everyday with only 2 (26 months and 10 months) and I DO. NOT. KNOW. HOW. YOU. DO. IT. with triplets and a newborn...but I love hearing how you manage. You are a SUPERB mom and I think you deserve some kind of award but I don't know what just yet! I wish we lived closer because I'd help you and I'd love to be friends with you. YOu make me laugh more than I can ever remember anyone else and that is good for my soul :) Hang in there. God bless you...

  13. This puking and church babysitting thing is too coincidental! Have you ever thought of converting??? LOL!

  14. hahahaha Coverting to non pukers? hahahahaha You are Brillant Jen absolutely brillant.

  15. Ah, Pukeville. One of those places that doesn't appear on a map but which everyone recognizes when they arrive there.

    I think the smell gives it away.

    I've got my fingers crossed for you all.


  16. Oh my word! Bless your heart. I'm like everyone else, I guess...I do NOT know how you do it!!!! I was just catching up on my bloglines and finished reading your theatrical presentations and just wanted to tell you that I was cracking up. You are a great writer and it's very impressive that you are able to write like that (or find the time to put it on a blog) with 2 year old triplets and a little one driving you nuts. *grin* I'm sometimes nuts with just one three year old. LOL. Anyways, just wanted to tell you that you're doing an awesome job and I hope it gets better soon!!!!