24" on 2-4

Charlie set up a simple system to capture the snowfall total with the most recent winter storm, Landon. 

Unlike other areas where we've lived and would always feel like we have been ROBBED by snow, Vermont has thus far, happily failed to disappoint with the amount of beautiful, glorious snow we actually receive.   Forecast will project 1-3" and we'll have 6". Forecast will project 6" and we'll have 12". With this storm, we were expecting 12" ... but we've received 21" already, and expect that we'll receive several inches more before this storm passes through, later tonight.    I'm banking on at least 24 on 2-4!  

The joy of going to sleep while it's snowing and knowing that it isn't going to taper off overnight and the kids will all be home the next day because school was canceled?  Few things evoke such unbridled JOY in my heart! 

Throughout today, the kids have been responding to calls from a few of our neighbors - and are trying to help them shovel out paths for them to take their dogs for a walk.  They just headed out, again, to help an elderly neighbor down the street with a bad back, clear around his car.  I don't know what's better - living in an area where we are surrounded by so much natural beauty, or being in a situation where we are able to lend tangible and necessary support to those who really need it.   

It's just so awesome and at the risk of sounding like a broken record, we couldn't be happier. Elizabeth @ 10:00 this morning. We've had at least another 8" since then! 

Charlie and I recently filled up all the bird feeders around our house, and were shocked to see so many birds descend on the yard.  On average, for the past couple of weeks, I've been filling up the bird feeders at least 3X a week; although with this snowstorm, I think they're especially famished and have cleared out one of the feeders completely today.  They must be teenagers!  

Here I was thinking they were all in Florida for the winter? 

Weather forecast from just a few minutes ago ... we're still in the storm: let it snow, let it snow, let it snow! 

Two kids are now back home; lighting a fire with flint and steel; we've got hot chocolate on the stove; cookies in the oven ... homemade pizza tonight. I keep beating Charlie in backgammon and Connect Four.  My wish to live in a snow globe has finally come true.  AND THE WINTER OLYMPICS START TONIGHT!  

What an absolutely perfect day! 

6 months = 184 days

It has been six months, today, that our family was on the camping trip in Burlington, Vermont when I had what I thought would be a non-eventful call with my prior manager, Kurt, and new manager, Jeff.   The title of the meeting that they had set up the prior week, was benignly dubbed "Assessment Results."  I had no idea what exactly that meant ... but after 20 years with the company, I had participated in and led many assessments, so naively figured this Monday morning call would be no different.   

When I logged on to the 10:00 Zoom call from Quarantinny, everyone was outside - with the exception of Carolyn, who was sitting across the table from me, working on her math.  In my typical self, I was happy and shared news about the beautiful place we were visiting - how we were taking the kids to tour UVM later that day - how we would be leaving and driving back to Texas, by way of Niagara Falls, either that afternoon or tomorrow morning, because the kids started school in less than two weeks.   

It immediately struck me how solemn they were on the the call.  These are people I talk to every single week and have known for years.  And yet, in extremely atypical fashion, there was no friendly banter, not even a smile.  Kurt took a deep breath and launched in to a message that within a matter of seconds, would alter our course in life, forever.  Despite what had been my best technical performance year, and with no prior notice or any warning signs that things were amiss, for the first time ever, I had been placed in the bottom rank group because I purportedly put too much "pressure" on others, and my career with the company was suddenly in jeopardy.   

Just like that it happened.  

I've written before about what transpired next, following the most intense professional gut punch I've ever received in my life.  Turning my camera and microphone off until I could find my breath again, while the managers asked if I was still there or had been disconnected from the call.   The feeling of disbelief, shame, and extreme fury that settled over me in one moment; was followed by extreme clarity that washed over me next, when I instantly recognized that the path forward, albeit a tough one, was crystal clear. Carolyn stared at me with a look of concern as I absolutely lambasted management for tolerating proverbially can-kicking.  I put pressure on others because I am a doer ... I actually get things done and push others to deliver.  

How else does one function with four children born in 2.5 years?

Despite the option to remain and attempt to "redeem" myself, before the call ended, I had silently concluded to myself that I would take the severance and resign from the company.  So many thoughts flooded my brain ... first and foremost, our family - and the children who were starting their critical junior year of high school.  In not too far of a second spot, the realization that all of my efforts and extremely hard work were not valued.  

No. None of this would work for my family. 

No. None of this would work for me; I deserve so much better. 

By the time I got off the phone and alerted the family, I was feeling resolute and hoped that they would agree with my decision.  But the wave of transparency and clarity about making the decision, was quickly replaced by the most intense anxiety and anguish that I've ever experienced for the next SEVERAL months.  One moment you're surfing the wave of life and feeling like you're on top of the world, safely protected in God's hands ... and the next minute, you're thrown to the bottom of the ocean and relentlessly pounded by the surf.  Intense currents whip you about, sand and shells blast your face and body, you can't breathe - you can't see - you fear for your life and those that you love, as your surf board knocks you in the head, and a jelly fish stings you for good measure. You arise to the surface, tangled in kelp, only to realize that your bathing suit is gone. Snagged on coral that ripped your flesh, made you bleed, and Great White sharks are now on their way to eat you whole. 

We'd have to find a place to settle down. Vermont? South Carolina? California? Colorado?  Wisconsin?  WHERE TO WE WANT TO BE??  While this sounds like a dreamy thought to consider - when you have but a moment to make the decision that will impact where your children go to school, graduate, potentially start college and launch their adult lives...  it is paralyzing. 

We looked around - liked what we saw - did some quick calculations - and decided we'd stay right there in Burlington. I'm outwardly smiling in this photo, but crippled inside. 

For the sake of brevity and to not regurgitate everything I've written about over the past six months, here's a punch list of what has actually transpired the past 184 days: 

• We found a rental house and signed a lease within three days.
  
• We hired our dear friend, Claire, to list our house within four days. 
  
• We found an orthodontist, church, and the first of what would be three scout troops within five days.
• We registered the children in a new school in Vermont within a week; the same week - Elizabeth went to a XC running camp with her new team.  
• I posted on Facebook that we'd moved to Burlington and several of my ExxonMobil colleagues, including many who expected to see me back in Texas, commented "WHAT?" 
• We celebrated our 27 year wedding anniversary and I gave ABUNDANT thanks for the man I'd married who never wavered in his commitment (okay, only twice) to see this thing through. 

• I resigned from a job that I had treasured and thought was the pinnacle of my professional career.
• I updated my resume for the first time in 25 years. (It was really hard!)  
  
• Charlie took the first of what would be three trips to Texas to coordinate our move to Vermont. 
• The children started their school year from a campground / tent the third week of August.
  
• Carolyn decided that this new environment was the perfect place for her introverted self to bloom, so she ran for student council ... and won; two weeks after school started.  
  
• William and Henry started rock climbing. 
• Elizabeth excelled in cross country and would have gone to the state championships, if not for a broken foot.   

• Carolyn found a rowing club and got out on the water with a group of elite coaches.
  
• After camping for more than 13 weeks, we moved in to a rental house in the middle of September, and slept on the floor in sleeping bags for another eight weeks until our belongings arrived. 
• William and Elizabeth earned their Eagle Scouts.  
• We recognized who our true friends are in life - those that showed up and consistently supported us with their phone calls and prayers; and we met so many wonderful new friends along the way. 
  
• William and Elizabeth applied for, interviewed, and got their first (totally awesome) jobs.
• We opened Roth's for the kids because the importance of saving early, cannot be overstated.  
  
• We sold our Texas house. 
  
• Despite an insane real estate market with virtually zero inventory, we found what would turn out to be the absolutely perfect home with gorgeous gardens for our family; made an offer and moved in the week before Thanksgiving; unpacking the box with the turkey baster in the nick of time. 

• We thankfully were able to get out of our one-year lease on the rental after only 2.5 months.
• William gave a presentation to his school on how we arrived in Vermont, how he knows something big is about to happen when he finds me with my Bible first thing in the morning, and why I'm his role model about working hard and living life to the fullest.  

• I was recruited by a few companies that I'd worked with during my time at ExxonMobil, and gratefully accepted an offer to work 30 hours a week (just enough to secure benefits!) from a cozy home office in Vermont, with a brilliant group of industry-leading scientists that are located out of Boston.  
• We go skiing at least 2-3 times a week at local mountains: William and Carolyn are on the high school alpine ski team;  Elizabeth and Henry are snowboarding.  
• Elizabeth and Carolyn are actively participating in indoor track and field events, and both girls are currently ranked in the top ten for several state events.
• William and Henry are both taking French and will be our guides on an upcoming trip to Montreal; William is also in his third year of German and is excitedly planning to be an exchange student to Berlin in the spring of 2023. 
  
• We are working with the local rotary club to start a new girls BSA troop in the area. 
• Carolyn additionally joined the school choir and landed a part in a school production.
  
• We are looking at multiple universities throughout the northeast and Canada. 
  
• Despite some academic struggles in Texas, all four kids are thriving in their new school - have made wonderful friends - are receiving great grades - and are happier than I imagined possible seeing as they all have to share a bathroom.  (Beats a tent, they say!)   
• Because of the relatively close proximity, my sister, Beth, drove up from Massachusetts for a visit; and we have friends from Texas lined up to come visit us and go skiing for the next several months. 

• Henry and Carolyn are working with a nearby horticulture group to complete their Eagle Scout projects, so we may have four Court of Honors this year.  
• We were introduced to a State Senator and she has asked if we would like to visit the capital in Montpelier to have our Eagle Scouts recognized by the Vermont Congress. 
  
• Charlie's business has expanded from clients in California, to clients also in Nevada. Yay!
  
• Ollie frolics in the snow, never wants to come inside, and I think might be part polar bear. 

When this course was set in motion, I couldn't help but think "What a great teaching moment this will be for the kids!"  Specifically, the importance of having a good education and work experience so that you are employable, the savings / financial security to launch this kind of life change; and the ability to walk away from anything ... at any time ... if you feel that by staying it will cause you or those you love, harm.  This transition has been extremely transformative for our family to experience, first hand. 

But it was EXTREMELY challenging.   In September, I wrote a blog post wherein I begged that God please do us a solid.  In that post, I wrote, 

"[This] will hopefully be something I look back on one day soon and say, "Yep, that was a really rough time, but wow - this grind was worth it, thank you GOD."  

This has been a really tough grind, there have been so many obstacles and moments that in normal times, would be a disturbance, but in my raw state - were debilitating.  When the first contract on the house in Texas fell through, I couldn't eat for three days. When there was a gun scare at the children's school, I couldn't sleep for a week.  I worried incessantly about money and benefits, and would find myself in a doo-loop second guessing our decision - unable to keep my eyes fixed on the horizon; worried instead about the terrifying black diamond in front of me.

It has made me keenly aware of what is important: Charlie and the kids are my rock and inspiration.  So, too, is my faith that would propel me forward every day believing that indeed, the universe is unfolding as it should and God's fingerprints have been all over this move ... especially when I take the time to reflect and give thanks.  It's safe to say, from this vantage point, our prayers have innumerably been answered and I can look back and say, YES, the grind was most definitely worth it ... Thank you, GOD.   

Life is so beautiful and so good, if you have the clarity to know what you want; the courage to listen to your heart; the endurance to work hard; the patience to take it one step at a time; and the support of your tribe.  Also, don't forget to keep faith, count your blessings, and smile.  

And if you live in northern Vermont, a good hat also really helps.  

gracie's simple request

As I was scrolling through my email yesterday, looking for an old photograph, I stumbled upon this letter that Carolyn wrote to me last January.  One year ago.  The date stamp is on the email.  At the time, I'd forwarded the note to my mother, with the comment, "Ha! Well, it looks like Gracie wants to move ... the last time she wrote a letter to me this compelling, we bought her a puppy!" 

Perhaps, this may just be more proof that it is no coincidence we were in Vermont when I received the phone call and our family, unanimously, made the decision to take a new road.  While I'm not entirely sure where she came up with the $60K in taxes, she was spot-on that all it required was a A LEAP OF FAITH AND A CHECK AND A SNOWSUIT.  

Little did she know at the time, her wish would be granted. Although, she NEVER expected that she'd be starting the new school year in Vermont from a tent.   

If didn't know better, I'd think she has some truly divine connections.  That said: I'm drawing the line at ponies.  WE WILL NOT BE BUYING A PONY.  (At least, I don't think so!)

********

From: Carolyn

Subject: Vermont...

Date: January 21, 2021 at 4:32:12 PM EST

To: Jennifer

Hello Mom, this is Gracie.

I have information on Green Mountain Union High school!

1) Only 318 students, through the 7th and 12th grade... it would be bumped up to 322 if we move there.... just saying!

2) The school itself and its students are actually pretty smart, and has a 80% graduation rate. 

3) THEY HAVE A ALPINE SKIING TEAM OH MY GOD

4) I could start a Rowing team!!!! Yay!

5) Did I mention they have 322 stud- oh whoops sorry I mean 318... :)

6) In Vermont, it snows! And the leaves ACTUALLY fall off the trees.. and speaking of trees there are probably amazing Christmas trees!

7) We would be closer to family. By a couple thousand miles!

8) Average taxes are about 16,000 dollars a year (Including Income tax, Sales tax, Fuel Tax, and Property tax. Not counting water and gas bill. But it would be a lot better instead of... what was it?... 60,000 dollars a YEAR IN TAXES?!?!?!?!?!) 

9) The land is beautiful... we could build a little house! With a Pony!! (Sorry got carried away)

10) Mom, I hate to be aggressively honest with you, but you are about to turn 50. And dad is going to be 54. (Or 55...) If you want to enjoy your fleeting youth as a healthy, mobile Adult with two working legs, feet, arms, hands, and your brain is as sharp as ever, why waste your years in regret? ALL IT REQUIRES IS A LEAP OF FAITH AND A CHECK AND A SNOWSUIT. 

11) And a little unknown fact about me, I've always wanted to move to another state in highschool, and highschool is coming to an end! QUICKLY! I'M RUNNING OUT OF TIME MAKE HASTE LADY. 

In the end (About 40 years) , it's all up to you. And dad, but you wear the pants in the family. Luv you! No pressure

i ski, you ski, we all ski ... whee!!!

One of the best things about living in northern Vermont, is the proximity to epic skiing.

Within an hour of our house, there are multiple ski areas.  When we made our abrupt decision this summer that we were never going back to Texas, one of the first things we did - after finding a church, rental, and enrolling our children in school - is purchase annual ski passes at a ski resort 25 minutes from our house, at a significantly discounted rate.  

Significantly as in - the cost of the pass is approximately what we'd typically spend on three days of skiing in New Mexico or Colorado.   We also gave Liz and Henry the OK to try out snowboarding, which I'd never agreed to, before.  Because ... I've heard it takes days to get the hang of it, I didn't want to waste our precious few days of skiing (on the rare occasion of when we could go) with kids frustratedly flopping around the mountain, unable to ride.  Now that they can go several times a week, the pressure is OFF and, they have friends who also snowboard and can teach them.   

Remarkably, certain children actually enjoy being on the mountain more than playing video games! 

It's true and an answer to my prayers!

Although the ski season opened up a few weeks ago, we got out for the first time, this past Monday, the last week of December.   While the girls were at a track and field meet all day, Charlie - William - Henry and I went skiing.  I must admit, I did feel a little guilty telling the girls that I'd miss seeing them compete, but they understood that if given the choice of watching them race for two minutes and throw a shot put for 30 seconds, and then hang out for the next six hours .... versus ski all day.  

Well....  

They can tell us allll about it at dinner.   

The following day, on Tuesday, the whole family, minus me who stayed home to work (separate blog post, I've started a wonderful new job!) went skiing.  The whole family went night skiing on Wednesday.  

And on Thursday, after Charlie and I went in for our COVID boosters ... I took the girls night skiing, again, before the side effects of the booster hit me.  

Because that's what a passionate really wants to be an expert, but is a pretty solid intermediate snow-starved skier does - they ski at every possible opportunity.  Then I came home, showered, and 12 hours on the dot from the shot, experienced a sensation very much like that feeling when you're standing at the top of a double black diamond mogul run wondering why exactly did I do this to myself?   

We didn't ski on Friday or Saturday, because we were completely incapacitated with headaches, body aches, and chills.  We didn't make it on Sunday, either, because the lifts shut down at 4, and we weren't ready to leave until 3.  Although we're close, we have a four-run minimum rule. If you can't get in at least four runs, save yourself the trip.  

We've already been back on the mountain this week, twice, and are planning to go again, tomorrow and for most of the day on Saturday.  Meanwhile, William and Carolyn have joined the Alpine Ski Team at their high school, and are up at a different mountain several times a week.  Henry will be joining the Snowboard team at his school, so will hopefully have some tricks he can teach his sister. Who, for reasons that have always eluded me, finds joy and insists on running as fast as she can, every chance she gets.

it's mostly awe - and a whole lot of of pride in these kids.   

So, it's kind of a dream to work all day and then once the kids come home from school and grab a quick snack - throw on ski pants and a jacket - hop in the car and slap on boots, skis, and hit the slopes.  

Pinch me. Is this real?? 

Pretty much everything about Vermont is a dream come true. 

¡feliz año nuevo!

NOTE: The photos in this post are in no way related to Mexico; I'm not sure I've ever seen photos of that trip. These are a few pictures from our new home and environs - which we are loving; Vermont is absolutely perfect in every way.

Not sure I've ever written about it, but one of our best new year's memories, was the year Charlie and I went to Mexico with my Dad and his wife at the time, Gail.  Dad and Gail came to visit us in San Diego, and on a whim, we put our two dogs, Monty and Molly,  in a kennel and drove south of the border to Ensenada for a couple of days.   

What I remember the most about our experience, was being out late at night - dancing and laughing - and having so much fun on New Year's Eve. We didn't know anybody - couldn't speak any Spanish - but were making friends everywhere we went: at the hotel, at the restaurant, just walking down the street.  

We'd ask strangers where they'd suggest we visit during our time in town, and they would personally escort us to all the different places that they thought were worth a visit.  We were intentional about having fun and we did! We ate - we drank - we danced - we laughed with our new friends in Mexico and we had an absolute blast.  

At one point, all the people around us started to count, "Cinco ... Cuatro ... Tres ... Dos ... Uno ..." and then the entire restaurant / bar / dance hall shouted, "FELIZ AÑO NUEVO!!"  And the four of us fell in to hysterics because while it didn't dawn on us in the moment, we quickly caught on that they were counting backwards ... five, four three, two, one - happy new year... in española! 

Another memory of that trip, after Gail fell backwards in to an oversized plant pot because her legs were so tired from dancing and she may or may not have had too much tequila, was the four of us making our way back to the hotel room to play cards, and realizing that we were famished. So Charlie left us, at 2 AM, to peruse the streets of Ensenada and see what he could find to eat. 

Looking back, that probably wasn't the wisest choice to send Charlie out alone, but he came back with heaping bags full of chips, salsa and street tacos and we all breathed a collective sigh of relief. One: that he made it back to us. And two: that he came bearing FOOD, GLORIOUS FOOD.  We never did figure out what was in those tacos, exactly ... pretty sure it was some kind of meat ... but in that moment, it was the most delicious thing we'd ever tasted and we were so darn grateful for our brave hunter and gatherer.  

The year was 1999 we partied like it.  I doubt I'll ever have a New Year celebration that matches that one; don't physically think I could handle it ... but what a fun event for the memory banks. There's such truth in Prince's lyrics: "But life is just a party and parties weren't meant to last." 

This past Thursday, Charlie and I went in for our COVID booster shots.  We both got 'em on the same day, which we never would have done a few years ago when the kids were younger.  Alas, they're older now and more capable of taking care of themselves - and us - so we thought this would be a good opportunity for our offspring to learn what it's like to care for us when we're infirmed, and scheduled the first available appointment.  No surprise, we were both totally incapacitated for almost 18 hours.   So instead of a rocking New Year's celebration, we laid around in our pajamas all day, cuddled under blankets and clutching cups of hot tea, and watched back-to-back movies. We introduced our kids to the legend that is Jackie Chan, and did less yesterday than we've done all year ... and it felt so, so good.  

Because we don't have any furniture yet, we have moved our patio furniture inside, but it looks great and is a significant upgrade from our camping chairs. We also don't have a TV upstairs yet, either, so have been pinning a white sheet up against the back wall and using our projector for the ultimate in-home theatre experience. 

At this juncture, we're so incredibly focused and happy with what we do have: Our health, our family, our faith, our new home, our sense of adventure, and this totally exciting new chapter of life which just keeps getting better - and better.  I'll close this post with a verse that I included in our annual holiday letter: 

The most important lessons we've learned this year, is to never forget your value or worth... sometimes, taking that huge leap of faith, while very frightening, can be akin to a second birth.  

Also, remember, to always breathe deeply, and give abundant thanks to the gifts from above... and the universe will continue to unfold as it should - when you fill your days with love. 

Life continues to be amazing, wonderful, and as beautiful as we believe and see it to be... it is our holiday wish that you feel all the love and good wishes we are sending to thee. 

Feliz Año Nuevo, amigos!  May you dance - love - live - and enjoy your best year, yet. 

a walk of faith

Before I start this post, it's important to mention that just yesterday, I was doing some housekeeping on the blog format - and noticed that I had a load of unpublished comments awaiting my approval. Some of the comments were from a few days ago, and some went back several years, which was quite a shock!  

There once was a time - long, long ago, when our children took naps and went to bed before 11 PM - I would write prolifically.  That has really tapered off in recent years, and I rarely hear from people anymore.  Although,  I've tried to keep this space somewhat updated as a means of chronicling our lives, I didn't think very many people still read my jabberings.  

Seeing all of the comments yesterday has me both flattered and self-conscious.  While there are a few people I know that read it on the rare occasion I write (Hi Mom! Hi Mrs. Dunnigan!), I've begun equating my writing to singing in the shower.  You really belt it out when you're alone because you know no one is going to hear it.  Or, those that might hear it - love you enough to forgive your imperfections, or laugh when you're way off key.   

It was a really nice surprise to hear from so many people that have been reading this space since our children were babies. Thank you for reaching out to me! Now that I know where the comments awaiting approval are located, I promise I'll do a better job checking them.  (And work on my run-on sentences.)

*************

Charlie recently found this picture / meme which is such a perfect visual of our lives at the moment. Doesn't it actually look like the guy is dressed for Vermont?

La dee da da da .... I'm walking straight off a cliff! 

Whenever I find myself talking with strangers about how we happened to "land" here, it never fails to elicit a gasp, usually followed by an exclamation of how awesome and inspiring it is that we just took this huge leap of faith.  The fact is: this move and everything we've done over the past few months is all about faith. 

According to Hebrews 11:1, Faith is the confident assurance that what we hope for is going to happen. It is the evidence of things we cannot yet see. 

We've got SO MUCH FAITH that things are going to work out positively for us in Vermont.  Although, I will admit, coming to this "place" has not been without a significant amount of second guessing and a couple full-blown panic attacks.  While I'd love to say that I've just embraced this whole experience with a heart full of peace and bliss, I'm nothing if not transparent and honest. 

There have been a few times over the past couple of months where I've started hyperventilating and from a nearly fetal position on the ground, asked, "Why are we here? WHY VERMONT? Why not warm South Carolina near my mom and Aunt Grace? We don't know anybody here! What have we done?! I gave up my stable and lucrative career, 4.5 years from retirement! We gave up our home and our community!  Winter is coming soon, we still have 250 boxes to unpack, I have no idea where my down jacket is .... and we're all going to freeze and perish!" 

We knew no one when we stopped dropped and rolled on the banks of Lake Champlain in late July.  No jobs. No home. No community. No, nothing except a hope and a prayer - and our beloved Airstream. 

Despite not having any roots here, we started sowing seeds, fast.  

As of this writing, we are dialed in with a church and bible study group, an orthodontist - dentist - doctors, a ladies cards group, two scout troops, two schools - and various sports teams. William and Elizabeth have both started part-time jobs, and I'll be starting a knitting group once we get settled in to our new home, which is scheduled to close on Friday.  

As in, this Friday ... Charlie's birthday.  

Aside from Charlie's part-time work, we do not yet have jobs.  There's a large part of me that cannot believe we bought a home without having steady employment - but we did.  Why?  Because it was a better financial investment than renting, we believe we are going to be here for a while (at least until the children graduate from high school!) and most importantly: we have faith. 

The confident assurance that what we hope for is going to happen.   

The evidence of things we cannot yet see. 

A couple weeks ago, on a particularly challenging day, I stumbled upon the wisdom of 94-year old Catherine Ponder.  Catherine is a prosperity guru, predating Tony Robbins and Joel Osteen, and her message, in a nutshell, is that we need to turn the great energy of our thinking in to ideas of plenty.  

Rather than plague ourselves with negative thoughts, we instead need to open our minds to receive the universal abundance that is ours.  Some of her key points (I took notes from her nearly four hour 1972 conference on YouTube!) include:

- Things are getting better and better

- Get rid of what you don't want to make room for what you do want

- There must be a release of the old to make way for the new 

- We must let go of all worn out things: worn out conditions, worn out relationships

- Order must be established, we need to get things in "divine order" for channels to open

- We must believe that it is spiritually right to prosper and let go of any guilt

- Dynamic is dynamite: If you work your plan, it will blast us out of our own limitations 

- Get definitive in thoughts and actions, and vast improvement will come quickly to life

That last point is so powerful, I love it.  We must get definitive about what you want.

Ever since I've listened to this message, I have tried to be very intentional with my energy: my thoughts, my actions, my time. And I have been extremely grateful for all the blind steps that we've taken over the past 100 days on this journey, that have miraculously, time and time again, been met with solid ground.  

But I still need some help with being intentional. It turns out, I can be very easily distracted and sometimes have the mental capacity of a potato chip.  

Perhaps I need to take more naps and drink more water.  

Walking straight off a cliff in to a new life can be exhausting, and dehydrating.

there are no accidents

A week ago, Wednesday, Charlie and I were standing in the kitchen, the kids had just left for school, and we were sipping our coffee and tea, while waiting for the moving truck to arrive from Houston. In a few minutes, I was supposed to be heading out to a job interview in a nearby town.  

It was a big day for us. 

It had been nearly 19 weeks since we'd last seen our belongings and we were so excited at the prospect of sleeping in actual beds again.  Our possessions had been significantly truncated because we conveyed a lot with the sale of the house, and donated a lot more. But, we were filled with anticipation for our dining room table, beds, and clothes to arrive.  While we love our camping apparel - it's nice to not wear hiking pants and jeans every day.  

Perhaps once we had our own things again - we'd start to feel some semblance of normalcy.  And once I had a job interview and received some positive feedback, my self-confidence and feeling of value would be restored.  Interestingly enough - as much as I desperately want to find another role and get back in to the driver's seat as the mover and shaker I know that I am ... to the core of my being, I did not want to go to this interview. 

For whatever reason, I have had an overwhelming pull that I'm not ready.  Despite the fact that Charlie and / or I want and / or need to have a job soon so we can continue our benefits - and feed our children - on this particular day, I had a grim sense of foreboding about this interview.  And yet, I was mechanically going through all of the motions: taking a shower, getting dressed, finding my long-lost make-up and putting it on.  My mind had completely taken over and was propelling my body forward because this was something I surely needed to do to lessen the death grip of anxiety that had a hold of my heart for the past three months. Maybe things would lighten up and the feeling of relief would be palpable when a company recognized my superb talent and worth.  I was trying to pump myself up for the interview, Charlie was telling me to get in to the Wonder Woman Power Pose.  Nothing was helping.  My heart wasn't in it. But I grabbed my purse and keys and was preparing to walk out the door. 

Just before I got there, the phone rang.  

Charlie answered it.  An hour earlier, he had spoken with the truck driver who let him know she would be running two hours late because she'd had mechanical issues that forced her off the road until she could have her rig repaired.  From the look on his face, now, surely there was another problem with the moving truck. He was rubbing his head, and had grave concern in his eyes, with teeth clenched.  

What could it possibly be?  Please, not an accident!  My thoughts immediately went to the driver. Instead, it was the school nurse calling to tell us that Elizabeth had a serious accident at school and needed to be picked up and taken to the hospital, promptly.  They said she passed out while seated, and struck her head on the ground and was now very confused.  Charlie hung up and relayed the information to me, and I crumbled in to tears.  NOOOOOOOOO! Not my baby!     

The roller coaster that I hoped was almost over, made another rapid descent. 

Every imaginable fear flooded my brain with what precipitated this event and what would happen, next.  Pulling myself together, I called the company I was supposed to meet in 30 minutes, and told them I would be unable to make it. Then I drove to the school to get our daughter, while Charlie stayed home to meet the movers who would be pulling in to the neighborhood within an hour.  When they rolled Elizabeth out of the building in a wheelchair, she looked even worse than I expected. She had a bad cut above her eye and wounds on her face where she had landed when she pitched out of her chair.  Her eyes, full of tears, were so frightened. She did not understand what had happened - nor why it happened. 

Miracle of miracles, I didn't stumble when I saw my sweet girl, but tapped an inner strength that convinced my daughter, and myself, that All Would Be Well.   We just need to breathe deeply, keep our faith, pray for continued strength, and put one foot in front of the other.  SMILE.  Even if we're terrified, we'll fake it until we make it.  This is a really difficult season, but it will not last forever.  

For now, we need to figure out what is going on and be grateful that I still have phenomenal benefits through ExxonMobil. And so for the next eight hours, we'd be at the Emergency Room unraveling the details of what occurred and creating an extensive medical tab.

After a full day of waiting ... vitals checking ... IV line ... pain medication ... CT scans ... X-Rays ... and a referral to a pediatric neurologist, Elizabeth's memory started to come back and the awesome Emergency Room doctor formulated a theory that this was a totally freak accident.  

Elizabeth was in her AP Environmental Science class and the teacher was talking about soil and groundwater contamination.  Elizabeth, being the daughter of two scientists that have built their careers around soil and groundwater contamination - got so excited that she accidentally cracked her knee against a drawer at her table.  The pain was so intense, that it literally knocked her out.  She remembered hitting her knee, and seeing stars while thinking "Wow, that's kind of weird! I think I need to put my head down...." before waking up in the nurse's office.  

What she doesn't remember is fainting, pitching out of her chair, smashing her face on the ground which caused a concussion and seizure.  She also doesn't remember twisting her ankle so badly on the way down that it fractured.  She didn't remember the amazing EMT that works on the school staff who was by her side within two minutes of the incident and the room full of students, who all immediately stood up and graciously departed the room to protect her privacy.  She didn't remember how she got to the nurse's office, or her brother running in to check on her, and answer questions regarding how she arrived at school that day.  She vaguely, although fondly, remembers Carolyn showing up and rubbing her shoulder but didn't realize it was her sister.  She passed out a few more times, before I arrived and took her directly to the the UVM Medical Center. 

In between each of the procedures, phenomenal nurses and the attending doctor would stop by to talk with us and keep us apprised of the results.  They were virtually certain it was a fluke situation. But we'd need to follow-up with neurology and have an EEG performed, in order to confirm that there was no underlying issue that had yet to be identified. 

The best part of the day is that at the end of the day, my heart was so tender with gratitude: all of my chicks were safely back in the nest,  the school and hospital staff were extremely competent, kind, and compassionate; I tapped an inner strength to help me summit another hill on the roller coaster,  we still have excellent benefit coverage, the job interview was deferred until a later time when I am more fully prepared. And Elizabeth and I arrived home just in time to witness a spectacular sunset over the Adirondacks... 

And spy the movers carrying in her beloved bed.  

By way of an update, the EEG this past week, thankfully, was normal.

I'm convinced that the heart is never quite so tender and grateful as when you recognize the gifts in your life, count your blessings, and really grasp just how quickly things can change.  

Breathe deeply.  Keep your faith. Pray for continued strength.  Put one foot in front of the other.  Smile. And as much as possible, try to laugh.  

Seriously, you got so excited about groundwater contamination that you knocked yourself out? 

We just might have another hydrogeologist on our hands.  

what is a home?

We put an offer in on a house this past weekend. 

It was a rather stress inducing process in and of itself, because the inventory is so slim around here, when things come on the market, they're typically snatched up fast, and way over the asking price.  Surprisingly, this particular house had been on the market for a few weeks and needed some work.  Charlie loved it, and embraced the funkiness. I was appalled at the cost and amount of work needed to get it to a condition that would justify the sales price.  

But, we have been feeling so anxious to get in to our own place, that I just closed my eyes and jumped on it.  I've had this terrible gnawing on my heart that the clock is ticking fast with these kids at home before they launch.  More than just about anything, I want them to feel the security of a home, their home, that they can decorate and live in and not feel like they're in some temporary grimy rental.  These days are so incredibly precious and fleeting to me: in less than two years, the triplets will graduate from high school and potentially be moving out to college.  

HOLD ME! 

Not to mention, how lovely would it be to be in our own Vermont home by the holidays?! We potentially only have two more Halloweens, Thanksgivings and Christmases with 3/4 of our children living under our roof full-time:  I want to bring out our decorations and do these holidays well.  I have memory expectations and visions of what this time is supposed to look like ... and EVERY MOMENT COUNTS.  And yet - this situation we are in is so counter to those expectations and visions. 

I'd actually thought when we moved from California to Virginia - that would be our forever home. It was so difficult for us to move to Texas, but at that point - I didn't feel like we had many options. On the upside, Henry was only in second grade, the triplets in fifth, so they had plenty of time to connect with new friends they'd hopefully have for life.  So we set about making the Texas home as homey as we could.  We spent a small fortune renovating it: new kitchen and floors - air conditioning units, furnaces; landscaping, upgrades to the pool and jacuzzi; room expansions and lots of painting. The house really was lovely. But we quickly came to realize that the area we were living was so transient. Friends came and went - and while they did make connections, they weren't deep enough to convince any of us: the kids most of all, to return to Texas this summer. 

As I wrote about previously, the worst thing that could have ever happened to me in my career at ExxonMobil, happened when I received the NSI rank.  One of the worst things that I thought could have ever happened to my children at this point in their young lives, was to be ripped from their lovely home and friends and community and be plopped in to a totally new environment, in a rental house.   

But here we are, and remarkably, the sun is still shining. (Well, actually, it's not shining today. It turns out the weather is often pretty gray in Vermont.)  The point is - the worst things that I thought to ever happen, are giving way to some pretty good things and I'm in constant awe of our children.  Even from a grimy temporary rental where they're still in sleeping bags after 17 long weeks, the kids are the ones that are encouraging and inspiring me - every day - that this was the right thing to do.  

(You might be surprised, I've had a few second thoughts.) 

So, we put the offer in on Sunday morning, and almost immediately, I was filled with regret which kept me up half the night, praying that they wouldn't accept it.  Not only do we not have jobs yet (eh, minor detail!) the house is big and needs work.  After living in a camper and tent for 12 weeks, it's extremely convicting just how little we actually need to live.  Moreover, since 4/6 of our family will likely be moving out of the house within the next 5-10 years, I see no reason to go buy another big house like the one we just had.  When we sold our 6-bedroom, 6-bathroom Texas house, we conveyed a lot of furniture - and all of the televisions (4!) - with the sale.   We also donated at least 50% of our things to charity because we realized we do not need them and they just weigh us down.

These circumstances - this complete flip of our lives - is giving us such an incredible opportunity to take an inventory of everything from our material possessions, to where our energies and resources are spent, and wisely recalibrate.   

In the words of Thoreau: Simplify. Simplify. 

When we'd walked through the house last week, I immediately recognized that the family that lived there had young children.  Toys were everywhere. Crayon scribbles on the wall. Little shoes and coats.  My heart was tender remembering those days - it seems like only yesterday. 

The offer that we put in on Sunday, expired yesterday which is good for me, because it reaffirmed that I really don't want to rush in to a purchase, and would rather take our time to get the right house. (And, confirm we can handle a Vermont winter!)  Their realtor has since been communicating with our realtor that communication has been extremely difficult because the couple that lives in the house, are going through a divorce.  While I know that there are circumstances in every situation, and sometimes divorce really is the right answer, it can be devastating and my thoughts are with the entire family.  

While it's none of our business, in human fashion, Charlie and I surmised what could possibly be happening that led to the demise of the relationship.  Parenting little people can be extremely taxing on a marriage. Add a big house that requires a lot of work, and the financial implications can be exhaustingly stressful. People likely have needs, or expectations that aren't fulfilled, and very soon - frustration, resentment and bitterness set in.  Communication falters and things can unravel pretty quickly - a small split leads to a gaping chasm.   

My mind then shifted to our own circumstances.  

While the house that we're in right now isn't quite the vision that I had, the family that lives beneath this roof is everything and more than I could have ever imagined and I feel completely overwhelmed with gratitude.  So long as we have our health - and each other - we have everything that we could ever possibly need.  Charlie and I have been through some extremely difficult and trying times in our 30 year relationship, but there's no one I'd rather have by my side, in the trenches - praying - crying - sampling craft brew - and laughing with. Thank goodness, mostly laughing.   

As I told our realtor, Claire, that is exactly how we've managed the past several months.  

When I'm with my husband and our children, regardless of where we are ... I'm at home.  And more than any kind of brick and mortar memories, these feelings of love, good food, blessed abundance, and laughter, are what I hope our children will tuck away in their hearts and carry with them throughout their own lives.   

The house will come with time, of that I am certain.  

As for now, we are so excited that the moving truck is supposed to arrive from Texas, tomorrow.  It will be very nice to move off the floor and in to an actual bed, but the thing that I'm most looking forward to receiving is our table.  While we've certainly made our camping gear work - I cannot wait to sit at an actual table with my family again!  Ah, to think of the things we once took for granted.  

#Perspective 

by way of an update

Charlie never reads my blog, but he read it last night before we went to sleep and he exclaimed, "JEN, that post [that I published yesterday] is so sad and depressing.  Good Lord, I had no idea you felt that way!"  

I just looked at him.  

You had no idea? 

So I asked, "Do you not hear the words coming out of my mouth when I talk? Did you not sense all of my anxiety, or hear me saying over - and over - and over again how overwhelmed I felt; that something was broken inside and that eventually something had to give? Did you not hear my pleas for the past couple of years that I wanted off the crazy train - wanted to do something different - needed to get out of that psychotic over-achiever environment with our kids?" 

He laughed and said, "Yeah, but I didn't know you were serious.  Geez woman. You say a lot of things."

Ah, yes.  I do say a lot of things.  But even though Charlie didn't hear me ....

GOD DID AND NOW WE'RE IN VERMONT, HALLELUJAH!

And for a significantly less depressing update, which makes me feel that ALL of the trials and tribulations we've endured over the past few years, and especially the past three months, has not been in vain: despite the horrific year that Carolyn had last year in math, and failing her summer school class over the summer .... today her mid-semester grades came out and she has straight A's (and one B). 

In fact, all four of the kids are crushing it in school. 

Even though she didn't pass her summer school class - it turns out that in Vermont, it doesn't matter.  Not one iota.  The entire academic philosophy at their high school - which is ranked #1 in the state and even surpasses their high school in Texas, is so refreshingly different.  Her counselors are not at all plussed about her grade in geometry and are confident that she will not only graduate on time, but have the option of college: if she so chooses.  High school isn't life or death here.  Kids aren't measured on how many AP classes they are taking - but how well rounded and kind they are.  

And this just feels right. 

When we lived in Fairfax, Virginia, we read story after story about teenagers that were so stressed out at school and in life expectations, that they opted to end their young lives by laying on the tracks of the Metro. Soon after we moved to Texas, I read the story of a young woman who had committed suicide because she was afraid she wouldn't graduate in the top 10% of her class - and miss the opportunity to attend UT (The University of Texas).   

At some cellular level, I think I've known that we had to get away from those big city environments, with the incredible stress of win-win-win ... perform-perform-perform that not only permeates the adults and drives them to the brink of exhaustion - but infiltrates the kids, too.  While it's great to see kids succeed, the pressure is just too intense.  My heart absolutely breaks at the thought of it, and the kids who would leave suicide notes confessing that if this is how difficult life is as a teenager - they don't want to live to be an adult.  Yes, something is broken in our society, indeed. 

Aside from academics, Carolyn is thriving in this environment. Despite being an incredible introvert, she decided that she was going to turn a new leaf in her new school.  Much to our amazement, she opted to run for a position on student council. And that is how, the second week of school she stood up in front of a room full of people she didn't know - let them know how she was going to bring her leadership skills from scouting to the school - and asked that they please consider voting for her.  

They did. 

And, she won. 

The second week of school, she scored a coveted spot on student council.  And the fourth week of school, she landed a spot in the school play.  This past week, she was out rowing with an outstanding coach, and collegiate rower, who has connections all over the globe and wants to work with Carolyn to form a youth program in northern Vermont: for fun!   

OUR GIRL!!! 

To see her (and her siblings!) THRIVING here makes everything worthwhile. 

Because in my book, that's what it's all about.