Tuesday, November 16, 2010

a dozen facts from the old fart

1. It is estimated that as many as 40 million Americans, one in six people, experienced (or will experience) sexual victimization as children.

• 1 in 4 girls and 1 in 7 boys will be sexually victimized before age 18.

• The most common ages of children when sexual abuse occurs are between 8 and 12.

• Child sexual abuse is seldom a one-time occurrence, and lasts and average of 1 to 4 years.

• 75% to 80% of all children assaulted or abused were victimized by someone they knew.

• One of five rape victims is under age 12; 10% of all are under age 5.

• Over 80% of offenders first offended by the age of 30 years.

2. I do not feel comfortable with someone, whom I've never met before, picking up my child and driving them somewhere. Moreover, I do not think that a Monday is the most ideal time for a birthday party. Since Charlie was tied up with other activities, I do not think it is plausible for me to take a day off of work so I can accompany my child to a birthday party at noon on a weekday.

3. I do not think that a parent should feel like they have to participate in EVERY function that their child is invited to. My life will not orbit my child's social life. We will participate in play dates and parties when it is convenient for the family. I'm not at all afraid that in refusing one, two, or perhaps three or more functions in a row, that I will in anyway black list our family from future gatherings. If I do, oh well. We'll probably be moving again in a few years, anyway.

4. Just today, Carolyn and William notified me that they have been invited to a birthday party, but Elizabeth wasn't. Guess what? NONE OF THEM ARE GOING. If it was just William, perhaps. If it was just Carolyn, perhaps. But to me, it is WRONG that two out of three were invited and one was not. And quite frankly, I'm not sure what a parent, who knows of our family situation, was thinking when they sent out the invitation to 2/3 of a kindergarten-aged triplet family? When the children are older, perhaps they'll have a tougher skin to handle this kind of exclusion, but at six years old, they don't. In my opinion (and that's all that really matters in the world of me), it would severely undermine a young child's budding confidence if they were intentionally excluded from a party that their siblings attended. Sorry folks, sometimes, we ARE a package deal.

5. My children will be allowed to go on solo play dates, when the time is right. The time is not yet right and might not be right for a while to come. At the moment, I'm comfortable with the notion of other children coming to OUR house to play, or, if our children attend a play date at some one else's home, either their father or I are with them. The only people I fully trust to be alone with my children are myself, my husband, my mother and my Aunt Grace. Does this make me uptight and overprotective? So be it. I'll proudly don that title. Refer to #1, above.

6. I like to think that I am confident enough in my decisions that if I don't feel comfortable doing something, I'm not going to do it. I do not succumb to social pressure, especially when it comes to my children. I am not all concerned that parents within our children's kindergarten class are going to label us as the "reclusive, overprotective family that never lets their children out of their sight." With time, our children WILL develop their own friendships, and we will help foster that in whatever way we can.

7. Once we get a little more settled and our basement is finished, Charlie and I have every intention of hosting a series of parties, over the course of a quarter, for every student in our children's kindergarten class AND their families. We are anticipating a series of drop-in style gatherings where the kids will have an opportunity to play and we will have an opportunity to meet the parents and size up the origination of the little hooligans that are attending school with our children. (Of course I mean that in the kindest way, possible.)

8. When I was pregnant with our triplets, I joined a triplet support group. As fate would have it, I became friends with three other women, who just so happened to have triplets that were born within three months of my own. Since the time that our children were infants, we routinely got together for play dates, until the day before we moved. Our children have been exposed to children outside of our own family and they will continue to be exposed to children outside of our family.

9. Charlie was the President of the Geology club in college. Two years later, I was the President of the very same Geology club. The reason both my husband and I were the President of this prestigious organization is not because we were outstanding scholars of geological science. Well, actually we were. But more importantly, we were very social and we knew how to throw great parties. Everyone who voted for us was well aware of this critical fact. Just ask my Vice-President, Lorie.

10. Charlie and I were very involved in our community in California and although we have only lived in our new neighborhood for two months, we know every single person on our street. We have baked more than half of them apple crisps. Once we get more apples, we'll bake crisps for the other half. I've volunteered at four school events and have met numerous parents. We have been invited to, and attended, three dinner parties and one block party. We have been invited to, and attended, several churches and are already making plans for ski vacations with our "new friends", next year.

11. When a child is born to parents who stay out until almost midnight on Halloween, mingling with everyone in the neighborhood, they have a significantly decreased risk of social retardation.

12. Even if their mother still tries to carry them around like this.

100_2527

64 comments:

  1. I missed the last post and drama. Damn it. I think Charlie just needs to GO TO THE SCHOOL and hang around the playground. That is how I made every single friend. Do you have to send them on the bus? There is a huge advantage to being within walking distance of the school, let me tell you. I walk home with a big pack of kids and nobody has to worry about me driving. I've also made sure to align myself with the parents that match my parenting style (as in, I turn them lose in the backyard).

    You will get through this. When I let Gregory go to the baseball game with his friend and father, I almost threw up. He was fine. He should have friends that are boys.

    Finally, I think your school's policy on not inviting the whole class is fucked up. We are not allowed to do that at all. If I invite one child, I have to invite the whole class. Where is your school policy on that?

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  2. Hahahaha!!! I KNEW this post was coming as soon as I read the last one.

    I think she doth protest too much.

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  3. I'm surprised at how many negative comments you got on the last playdate post... our family is also not that into playdates... not that we don't enjoy having friends, but it's frankly a scheduling hassle a lot of the time, especially on regular school days between homework, kids at 2 schools, after-school activities, etc. Your kids won't die if they aren't going to their friends' houses all the time. My kids play really well together most of the time... better than a lot of their friends seem to with their own siblings... and I don't know if that's due to their personalities or the fact that they just have each other to hang out with after school many days or what. I also agree that having a birthday party on a Monday at lunchtime is a little odd, although I can totally see the draw if you are sure that at least a few people will say yes.
    My oldest kid is now in 8th grade and we've had ups and downs with social issues over the years but the thing is that people move, kids are never in the same class with all the same kids every year, etc, and of the kids she interacts with the most now there's only one that she's known since 1st grade and none that she knew before then... and we are still in the same school district we were in since K (moved houses but only 5 miles).
    You do want to make sure that your kids are all doing okay socially AT school during recess, etc. Hopefully Elizabeth's lack of invites is only because she's quieter and that she's not using her sibs as a crutch to not have to make other friends... I only mention that because one thing outside playdates can help with is giving kids who need more support socially to get that. I have no idea whether there's any issue there or not, and your kids' teacher should be able to tell you that during your parent-teacher conferences.
    Randomly, Anita

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  4. THANK YOU!!! Thank you, thank you, thank you! I whole-heartedly agree. I may not agree with your specific decisions, but I think it is exactly right that you make a decision about parenting and then stick to it. That is one of my favorite things about you! Love it! Blessings :D

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  5. have i told you how much i love reading your blog jen??? I DO! loved this post! totally agree that putting your family above everything and everyone else is most important! :)

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  6. I could NOT agree more with this post. As a 4-year-old child, I was molested by my 12-year-old cousin and my mom had NO IDEA until I was an adult. She was completely flabbergasted and had a hard time believing me at first. This, of course, had a profound, negative affect on my childhood and is something that I think of at least weekly even now. I have NEV.ER trusted my 5 children with anyone but grandparents or older siblings. Ever. I have an in-home daycare so that I'm the one who cares for them and I don't have to worry about them every single day. You're doing the right thing!

    -Marcia

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  7. I take it from this post that you got a lot of flack for your last post. I haven't read any of the comments, nor will I because IT DOESN'T MATTER WHAT ANYONE ELSE THINKS. And I would just get irritated with people telling you that your children's social lives will somehow be stunted because they miss a party. Come on.

    You and Charlie are doing a fantastic job and you're making great, thoughful decisions for your beautiful children. No need to justify those decisions to anyone else. Keep up the great work. And for what its worth (very little, because YOU are William's parent), but I wouldn't have let him go to a party with someone I didn't know either.

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  8. Where do I sign? I think you are SO right. It was a problem when me or one of my sisters went out alone when we were older than that, and we are two years apart each! And I heard and saw nasty things from people I knew more than once between 4 and 12.

    It is a risk totally not worth taking.

    With the grounds you have, and the dedication you show as parents, your kids are CERTAINLY better off by staying with you for as long as they can and going out only when really safe.

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  9. this blog entry seems angry =/

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  10. As a person that grew up with alot of abuse in my young life. I would love to say thankyou for posting this post. Too many people are afraid they will seem rude or over-protective. I think it is worth it, if you can say your children are safe. I know if my mother wasn't so concerned about offending people that my life would have turned out very differently.

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  11. One thing that is hard for us, also as working parents, is the weekday birthday party. Unfortunately, in our area, it is SO CROWDED, lots of times, the only dates available for those party places is during the week. And even if they aren't, those party places are SO PACKED on weekends, it is amazingly uncomfortable and I would argue, unsafe.

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  12. Well, I guess that means you are going to do your own thing and ignore the advice of every other mother.

    This post just completely turned me off. Trying to scare everyone else into believing what you are doing is right. Sounds like a political commercial with their facts and trying to get you to vote their way.

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  13. I take it someone posted that you were to over protective parent. Well move over because I fall in that group and will sit on the same bench with you watching my children. I have 16yr boy 13yr girl 11yr boy 8yr girl and just in the last year I let my 16yr old leave our street to walk to the development next to us to hang out with his friends there. My 3 younger children are not allowed to pass the stop sign at the top of our street and that is only because a dear friend lives at the stop sign and watched her children just like me. So I watch hers down in my culdsac and she watches mine at the top. My 8yr old has complained as she has not had a sleep over yet but has had other children her to sleepover and she has gone to a couple of ppls houses for playdates but I STAYED. Now I did come from MD near the DC line so maybe that is why I have even a tighter hold on my kids but I feel ppl around WV just feel to relaxed and let their children run where ever. My almost 14 yr girl can not understand why I wont let her walk the almost mile to her friends house by herself when this same friend walks to ours all the time. I just could never live with myself if something happened to one of my kids when it could have been prevented. I pick them up and drop them off at the bus stop every day. Is it easy could I be doing other things, heck yea but nothing is more important then my babies.

    Janice

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  14. Do you think that we are all stupid and uninformed? We know that bad things happen out there. Thanks for that tip.

    You are getting the same advice from all the other mothers.
    You don't have to listen though if you don't want too.

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  15. I have to say that I AGREE with the way you are handling the playdate/party situations. I'm a twin and my parents were the same way when it came to these types of things. (And later, the same way w/our little sister.) Today we are best friends who talk on a daily basis. My parents would NEVER let another child come between me and my sister and I'm extremely grateful for that. Yes, we had other friends that came and went but we always have each other and FAMILY is the most important thing.

    Keep doing what you are doing!

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  16. All good facts. You'll settle into this school/ friends things soon enough. Bet the birthday party kid has older siblings.

    Don't rush it. You'll get to know everyone and then the playtime will begin.

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  17. It is clear form the comments that there is a clear divide between the parents who are happy to let their children go a little and those who are not.

    The stats about abuse have, in real terms got worse since we became so much more insular in our outlook. Some of those stats include things like a child calling another child "sexy" which is less abuse and more inappropriate. The rape and serious abuse stats are much worse that 50 or 100 years ago when children were a part of the society in which they lived and were looked after by more than just their parents. We can't change the society we live in but we can give them the protection of a large and benign social circle in which they are safe. I think you should start working on that.

    Finally - you were rather rude to not reply. The mother was probably thinking that a short party immediately after Kindergarten pickup was a convenient and easy option for all concerned. When you give parties you will see how hard it is when a child who hasn't answered turns up and you don't have enough party bags etc.

    Oh - and we have 8 year old triplets at the school I work at. Don't let yours get a strange as these three - they are never invited anywhere because they are too odd.

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  18. I know you are feeling really defensive and probably won't take this the right way but I cannot resist commenting.

    I have twin girls in kinder (and let's face it, that is where your issues are going to lie: with the 2 girls because William is a boy and is going to have a different peer group that handles social issues differently) and my girls are in different classes. This means that FOR SURE they are going to get different invitations to different parties and playdates. And even if they were in the same class I would still expect that because they are different people with different interests and different ways of interacting. There are days when I get along with one or the other better so I get it. Since school has started one of my girls has been invited to 2 playdates and 2 birthday parties. The difference between you and me is that I am deciding if she can go based on our schedule and what works with our life (which has worked out to yes to the playdates and no to the birthday parties because, like you, I also have younger child issues and the timing has stunk. Plus the kids doing the inviting were boys that she doesn't talk about or, I suspect, play with) NOT based on if her sister was invited (and yes, the playdates have definitely known she is a twin and all of them see each other at lunch and play together sometimes at recess).

    So while we are encountering the same issues over here, what I am reacting to when I read your posts is that you seem to be really wrapped up in the fact that you have triplets and you can't stand that one or two get invited and the third doesn't. I get that, it hurts my heart to see one keep getting the invites and the other not. But, as I tell my girls, it's OK to have different friends and get invited to different places and there are going to be times when one girl seems to be getting invited and going a lot and then there will be times when it is the other girl's turn. That is life. Even as a singleton there have been ups and downs in my own friendships throughout my life. It is our job as parents not to control what happens, but to help our kids learn the skills to navigate what does happen.

    I feel like you put out there what you really feel and you are really tied into the fact that they are triplets, that has been their identity to you their entire lives! But then you ask for feedback and people give it and then you realize you don't agree or it makes you angry and you pull back and use something else (like sexual abuse or the bully issue) as a smokescreen because EVERYONE is going to say, "well OF COURSE you should be worried about those super hot topics that everyone agrees with."

    I don't think it's fair to your children to send notes to other parents asking if they know your kids are triplets when only one has been invited over. I don't think it was fair to essentially instruct Elizabeth to play with her sister when that other girl was a brat to Carolyn. I have encountered the same situations, I am speaking from personal experience. While I KNOW you want to micromanage their social lives as you have managed the rest of their lives (again speaking from personal experience here! All Type A controlling people please raise your hand- *raising hand really high*) some things you are going to have to manage in a little more hands off way. We do lots of talking over here about how you treat a friend and how a friend treats you. And what to do if someone isn't treating you or other people in a kind manner. And what to do if no one is playing with you at recess. I think sometimes when multiples are always together they learn how to work as a unit really well and maybe some are weaker at certain skills because the other has picked up the slack.

    I'm rambling too much and I have to break this into 2 parts...

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  19. I know you are feeling really defensive and probably won't take this the right way but I cannot resist commenting.

    I have twin girls in kinder (and let's face it, that is where your issues are going to lie: with the 2 girls because William is a boy and is going to have a different peer group that handles social issues differently) and my girls are in different classes. This means that FOR SURE they are going to get different invitations to different parties and playdates. And even if they were in the same class I would still expect that because they are different people with different interests and different ways of interacting. There are days when I get along with one or the other better so I get it. Since school has started one of my girls has been invited to 2 playdates and 2 birthday parties. The difference between you and me is that I am deciding if she can go based on our schedule and what works with our life (which has worked out to yes to the playdates and no to the birthday parties because, like you, I also have younger child issues and the timing has stunk. Plus the kids doing the inviting were boys that she doesn't talk about or, I suspect, play with) NOT based on if her sister was invited (and yes, the playdates have definitely known she is a twin and all of them see each other at lunch and play together sometimes at recess).

    So while we are encountering the same issues over here, what I am reacting to when I read your posts is that you seem to be really wrapped up in the fact that you have triplets and you can't stand that one or two get invited and the third doesn't. I get that, it hurts my heart to see one keep getting the invites and the other not. But, as I tell my girls, it's OK to have different friends and get invited to different places and there are going to be times when one girl seems to be getting invited and going a lot and then there will be times when it is the other girl's turn. That is life. Even as a singleton there have been ups and downs in my own friendships throughout my life. It is our job as parents not to control what happens, but to help our kids learn the skills to navigate what does happen.

    Rambling too much, have to break up my comment!

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  20. the rest of my rambling...

    I feel like you put out there what you really feel and you are really tied into the fact that they are triplets, that has been their identity to you their entire lives! But then you ask for feedback and people give it and then you realize you don't agree or it makes you angry and you pull back and use something else (like sexual abuse or the bully issue) as a smokescreen because EVERYONE is going to say, "well OF COURSE you should be worried about those super hot topics that everyone agrees with."

    I don't think it's fair to your children to send notes to other parents asking if they know your kids are triplets when only one has been invited over. I don't think it was fair to essentially instruct Elizabeth to play with her sister when that other girl was a brat to Carolyn. I have encountered the same situations, I am speaking from personal experience. While I KNOW you want to micromanage their social lives as you have managed the rest of their lives (again speaking from personal experience here! All Type A controlling people please raise your hand- *raising hand really high*) some things you are going to have to manage in a little more hands off way. We do lots of talking over here about how you treat a friend and how a friend treats you. And what to do if someone isn't treating you or other people in a kind manner. And what to do if no one is playing with you at recess. I think sometimes when multiples are always together they learn how to work as a unit really well and maybe some are weaker at certain skills because the other has picked up the slack.
    If you are planning all these other things-- parties, socials, basement get togethers (which, by the way is an excellent idea since your primary caregiver is a man and I would be extremely wary letting my children go to a playdate supervised by a man I don't know that just moved here from California. I would really have to know you guys well before I would let my daughters come to your house for a playdate, our playdates have always involved the dad being at work) then maybe in the meantime you should just have a flat "no playdates, no parties" rule instead of agonizing and making phone calls and then not RSVPing and causing everyone a lot of confusion. Just politely decline everything and say you are still getting settled. People don't need to be reminded (again) that you have triplets. They know.

    I suspect this will all go right past you, but I keep reading these posts and watching you get hyper-defensive and I am living the same experience and I feel like you are missing the things people are trying to help you see. We read because we like you and when you ask for feedback we want to support you.

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  21. the rest of my rambling...

    I feel like you put out there what you really feel and you are really tied into the fact that they are triplets, that has been their identity to you their entire lives! But then you ask for feedback and people give it and then you realize you don't agree or it makes you angry and you pull back and use something else (like sexual abuse or the bully issue) as a smokescreen because EVERYONE is going to say, "well OF COURSE you should be worried about those super hot topics that everyone agrees with."

    I don't think it's fair to your children to send notes to other parents asking if they know your kids are triplets when only one has been invited over. I don't think it was fair to essentially instruct Elizabeth to play with her sister when that other girl was a brat to Carolyn. I have encountered the same situations, I am speaking from personal experience. While I KNOW you want to micromanage their social lives as you have managed the rest of their lives (again speaking from personal experience here! All Type A controlling people please raise your hand- *raising hand really high*) some things you are going to have to manage in a little more hands off way. We do lots of talking over here about how you treat a friend and how a friend treats you. And what to do if someone isn't treating you or other people in a kind manner. And what to do if no one is playing with you at recess. I think sometimes when multiples are always together they learn how to work as a unit really well and maybe some are weaker at certain skills because the other has picked up the slack.

    one more ramble and I'm done, I swear!!!

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  22. If you are planning all these other things-- parties, socials, basement get togethers (which, by the way is an excellent idea since your primary caregiver is a man and I would be extremely wary letting my children go to a playdate supervised by a man I don't know that just moved here from California. I would really have to know you guys well before I would let my daughters come to your house for a playdate, our playdates have always involved the dad being at work) then maybe in the meantime you should just have a flat "no playdates, no parties" rule instead of agonizing and making phone calls and then not RSVPing and causing everyone a lot of confusion. Just politely decline everything and say you are still getting settled. People don't need to be reminded (again) that you have triplets. They know.

    I suspect this will all go right past you, but I keep reading these posts and watching you get hyper-defensive and I am living the same experience and I feel like you are missing the things people are trying to help you see. We read because we like you and when you ask for feedback we want to support you.

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  23. #4? Wow--that is just absolutely WRONG. What kind of insane parent would do that?

    This is just my personal opinion, but I think you should have that gathering soon. Who cares if your house isn't done? People will soon learn you have just moved and will totally not care if they are worth being friends with! Now if you don't have time, that's a different story.

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  24. As a mom of mulitples in elementary school, all I'm going to say is that in a couple of years, when your babies are older, you WILL laugh at all this. They WILL have totally separate friends, you WILL spend your life racing around to and from various school activities and extra curriculars, you WILL become slave to their calendars, they WILL go to other people's houses without you, only one will get invited to parties and you will be happy about it for all sorts of reasons you'll soon learn, you'll be thrilled when other's offer to drive your kids places, and this will all be so much easier on you emotionally! And guess what... they will all still totally love and embrace each other and know that family does come first, even if they aren't by you or each other's sides 24/7. Move through this however you need to right now, it's part of your mothering process. But I promise you, there will be laughter in a few short years when you realize you openly embrace everything you may have dared not consider in these early years. Boy, does it get so much easier!!!

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  25. I'm just guessing this is a response to some backlash from your previous post.

    Let me just say. Here, here sister! I totally agreed with your last post, and with this post too.

    I think it is HIGHLY irresponsible for a parent to leave their kids with just anyone. And as a parent of twins, I think it is terrible for a parent to just invite one or two siblings and exclude anyone, especially at this age. (I guess this is why our birthday parties number close to 100 guests)

    Good for you for fiercely protecting the most important things in your life.

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  26. Hey Jen,

    So glad you stopped by my blog yesterday. Unfortunately, I do not have time to visit and catch up with you...we are on our way to debate. BUT! I will be back...I have a lot to catch up on.

    Heres a question for you: I am going to keep my last post ((Lungs 4 Life)) up for the week BUT do not have the blog market cornered :) Would you mind linking this post to your twitter or something? I think it would be nice for people to read the facts about Lung Cancer to get over the stigma, write to their Congress men/women what ever...yadda, yadda, yadda and maybe more funding will start to happen....believe me I do NOT this will happen because I wrote a post ~ I just think if we work as a team more people will know about this. and if even one person does a little something it's Something big...You know what I mean... I wouldn't ask but it seems import and I really think my father wants people to know this stuff. He did when he was alive...and I am convinced he is praying like crazy for cancer and mostly all of us right now!

    Hope everyone is well.

    Much Love to you!!!!!!! Charlie and kids!

    THANKS!!!!!!!!

    xoxox, Me

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  27. I'm confused as to why you write a post asking what everyone's answer is and then write another post where you completely disagree with the majority of what people told you. You certainly are free to do what you want and everyone makes different decisions but it puzzles me as to why you would ask and then get pretty defensive. It seems pretty obvious that even though you said you DIDN'T have the answer and hoped that your readers did, you actually knew all along what you were going to do....WHICH IS FINE. I just don't understand why you ask then.

    Maybe, instead of throwing all your statistics at people you just tell everyone thanks for their advice, you weighed and thought about what everyone said and while those options may be okay for some people, they are not really right for your family?

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  28. Jen,
    I have to tell you even though I only have one child I agree with you completely. My daughter is 5 and was invited to a sleep over. I personally think that 5 is to young but the absolute deal breaker for me was it was at a home where the only parent present was a single dad. I am sure probably a very nice guy, but there was no way I would be sending my child.

    I also feel the pain on the party invites. My daughter was left out from a birthday party where it seems all of her other classmates were not. My rules if you invite one from the class you invite all!

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  29. I don't trust anyone but a select few with my children so I completely understand your viewpoint. We are not at the playdate stage yet as my oldest is only 3 years old.

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  30. You go, girl! I have 7 and 5 year old boys and 1 year old triplets. My older boys' social lives have been seriously cramped by my triplet pregnancy and by having three babies in the house. BUT- they LOVE "their" babies and we are all very close. I NEVER let any of my kids go to functions (at houses or public locations) with people I don't know WELL. I also don't hardly ever let anyone besides my husband and me (and a neighbor I know REALLY well!) drive my kids anywhere. Thank you for sharing your plight- I now know what to look forward to in five years!

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  31. I've read your blog for years, and don't usually comment, but I have to tell you that I love your passionate posts defending your decisions as parents. I don't think you should have to do that, and I think it is quite funny how equally passionate your commenters get in their opposition. As parents I don't think you always need to have legitimate reasons. "I'm the mom and that's why" works just as well. You know your kids better than we do. That should be enough. Keep it coming Jen!

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  32. I will proudly don the title of OVERPROTECTIVE mother right along with you girlfriend.....that is our JOB and will always be as far as I'm concerned. xxoo from another overprotective, loving mother of 2

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  33. Blah - didn't read the comments to the other post but I guess they were doozies and this is a response.

    Other people will learn if they havne't already that they can't do every single thing their kids want or even that they want their kids to do. It's just not feasible. I've learned that it's ok to turn down the invite to the playdate, the b'day party, or whatever FOR WHATEVER REASON YOU DEEM NECESSARY.

    Kids whose parents do whatever they want them to turn out to be little gems though, no doubt about that (insert sarcasm).

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  34. I couldn't agree with you more! I have struggled with this over the years. It does get easier but not at that young age. I once let my middle daughter at 6 or 7 go to a party of a classmate. I knew the grandparents. Three months later I see this mom on the freaking NEWS that she had killed her 3 year old step daughter! I will never again make that mistake. I am thankful that now, in third grade, know most every family and all her friends. It takes time and you just got to VA. Are you anywhere near Midlothian? I have a dear friend there with kids and she might have some recommendations for things like dentists and doctors.

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  35. not to add to your anxiety, but I do always ask new friends and new homes our kids visit (with and without us) "is there a gun in your home, and if so, how do you keep it safe from the children"

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  36. You are your children's parents and YOU DO NOT HAVE TO JUSTIFY YOUR DECISION regarding your last post and the party discussed here! (for what it's worth, I agree with you 100% in how you are handling these issues).

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  37. You are a great mother. A mother that would let her child attend a party at someone's house without knowing that person, may not be, in my opinion as well ;) I am the same way about not letting my children in a car with someone else ... or at their house, until I am VERY comfortable with them. I'd be more than happy to have everyone at our house :)

    You go girl ... you have strong gut feelings as a mother for a reason! Listen to them! And Charlie agrees ... to heck with everyone else :)

    Hope everyone is keeping warm in chilly Virginia!

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  38. Whatever happened to the adage of inviting the whole class or else not distributing birthday party invitations at school? And really, playdate invitations delivered through school? If the parents don't know you well enough (or have enough info on you) to pick up the phone and call or email you the parent directly, why are they inviting your kid over? But what do I know... My mother always made me invite the (close-in-age) siblings to my birthday parties!

    You're fine, Jen. Your kids will be fine and somehow they will all survive kindergarten.

    Missy in Springfield

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  39. I've been a mom hosting a birthday party at noon on a weekday before. Why? Because every Saturday morning and afternoon seemed to be filled with baseball or soccer or basketball games/practice/whatever - not by my 5 yo, but by the guests. When I had tried 3 or 4 different times, only to find that only 1 or 2 guests could come, at best, I went with an a mid-week lunch, after preschool. My figuring was that since there was no after-care at preschool, every kid had some one picking him up. It was one of the best attended parties I gave - I think all 6 kids we invited we able to come.

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  40. I have to tell you, your Playdate Freak Out has me all flustered. The girls really like this little girl in their class and what to invite her over, but she does not live in our neighborhood and this would be the first time I invite someone I don't know. You have me all freaked out now. I'm scared to ask the parent.

    I'm sitting here composing the letter in my head.

    Hi! My name is Mrs. S. I have lived in the same house a block from the school for 16 years. I am a stay-at-home mom. I have been with my husband for 20 years. I will submit to a background check and you can have my fingerprints. I am not creepy. Can you daughter come over from 3:30 to 5pm on Thursday? You may stay too. In fact, invite your whole family. I will cook dinner. What do you like to eat?

    Sincerely,

    Mrs S

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  41. I am a children's psycho-therapists specializing in sexual perpetration/victimization. You are 100% correct in your statistics and in your safety guidelines and parental intuition.

    Perpetrators use parents putting their guards down to their advantage--they've actually told me so.

    Finally, wouldn't you rather your child deal with being "left out" than being a victim of such a horrid life-altering (sometimes for forever) crime?

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  42. I'd like to applaud you for this. That is all.

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  43. Oh Yes... I concur... Parties were FABULOUS! ;)

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  44. The commenters from yesterday baffle me! It appears that you provide a great deal of socialization for your children. Your children not going on playdates with kindergartners is not going to ostracize them or make you the neighborhood "weirdo". Who cares if it does?? Your children's safety is more important. Growing up I never once went on a "playdate" - never heard of such a thing! I played with my 3 other siblings and I played with friends of our family, cousins, etc. I'm 40 and I've lived to tell about it. I'm social with plenty of friends. I wasn't the outcast then and I'm not now. What is so strange about not allowing your children - your MOST precious gifts - to be under a STRANGER'S care??? I just don't get it. It's beyond me. Have playdates at your home. Your children have more than enough time for you to get to know parents and your community before you send them off to someones home.

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  45. Jen, I think you're totally normal and doing what you feel and think is best for your kids. You know them best. I'm a twin and I seriously don't remember my sister tagging along with me ever to a friend's house. She had her friends I had mine. I agree with you I wouldn't let anyone drive my kids anywhere, I have a problem with it now and my baby's 17. It happens but not without a quick prayer as she's walking out the door. Children filter things differently than adults do. Caroline may not give a hoot if she isn't invited along with Elizabeth and vice versa, decide each scenario as it presents itself. Bottom line, you know best and pooey on what everyone else thinks.

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  46. I do not think you are being over protective. I have twin boys and I am not comfortable with anyone but myself or my husband driving our children, even my parents. My kids are 4 and have never stayed at anyones house besides a few family members. I do not look forward to the time that play dates and parties start because I will be confronted with some of the stuff that you have been. It is our jobs to be responsible for out children and if they have to miss a play date or a party because we do not feel comfortable then so be it. I'm with you all the way one this one!

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  47. Yeah for the old fart! Stick to your guns.

    And what kind of wingnut sends party invitations to 2/3 of a set of triplets, I just want to know.

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  48. I have been reading your blog a while and rarely leave messages (probably my 1st actually) But I did want to say, you go ahead and be protective, keep those kids safe. My parents were this way. I was not allowed to go to anyones house, other than grandmas and my mom's sister. It was not until I was 9 that my parents ever let me go to someone else's house by myself, and even then it was my best friend and her mom and my mom were coworkers for 5 years. And we had had multiple supervised playdates at eachothers house. After then, there were few houses I was allowed to go by myself and they were all close family friends.

    I babysit on the side and just helped a mom plan for her 5 year olds Bday Party. The girl's party ended up being huge and the mom was stressed but she said that it is courteous to leave the invitation open to all children of a family at least this way its up to the parent how many kids they want to bring. This might make party planning hard but I think it should just be that way.

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  49. You are the only one (OK, maybe Charlie too) who can make the right choices for your family. Don't listen or pay attention to anyone else's opinion.

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  50. They are your children, you have every right to raise them as you see fit. No need to justify your decisions. Keep doing what you are doing, you sound like such a wonderful parent!

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  51. Wow,Jen--I can't believe all the critical comments to your last post. There was a major story in the news last year in NY about a little girl that was killed when she was being driven with her friend and her friend's mom. She was in their care fro a playdate. The mom was drunk. So tragic! Trust your instincts. And your life has been a whirlwind since you moved--of course you haven't gotten to know everyone yet. You know what is best for your kids--and I don't think you will be known as "the weirdo mom" as someone pointed out to you. Keep doing what you're doing.

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  52. Those facts are really horrible and I am totally on the same page as you.

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  53. We, the people who read your blog, ARE the very people you are afraid to leave your children with. We are the parents of kindergarten age children who want to have friends over to play dolls, and dress up and cars. Our children want your children to meet their pet bunny, and to play on their swingset in the backyard and collect treasures in the flower bed that has gone to seed for the winter. Our children want your children to discover new things with them and giggle and tell secrets and eat homemade cookies still warm from the oven.

    We plan play dates because that is what children are to do…PLAY. And childhood is about discovery of new things, new friends, and all the amazing things there are in the world. And, sometimes it’s cool for children to discover those new things with other kids…who find those new things just as cool and amazing for the first time as they do.

    The majority of us do NOT plan play dates to hurt your children in any way. We would never dream of hurting our own, would never fathom sending our children to a place where they would be hurt, and would never expect anyone to send their children to our house if they didn’t feel they could trust us. When we invite you for a play date, come on in! You are more than welcome to come in for a cup of coffee. Take a look around. You could ask the teacher about me, my husband, our family. The teacher knows us. You can ask anyone you want to about us. That is fine. We want you and your children to feel comfortable and welcome in our home.

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  54. Amen Sister! Socialization? How does having three siblings and two engaged parents not count as socialization?? My parents both grew up in large families (6 and 5) and their main playmates were their siblings. I am ashamed to admit that I used to be the kind of person that got judgy about those home schooled kids I played in the youth orchestra with. You know the type, the ones that wear homemade dresses and have pretty braids, and play dainty instruments like the harp, flute, and violin. Later I went to Christian College (after traveling the world for the year where I was in for a little wake up call!) and my whole perspective changed. Those students who had been consciously brought up in safe, happy environments by homeschooling parents were some of the kindest most wonderful adults I met. Now, after working with victims of abuse of all kinds, I can see what a blessing it is to be protected and nurtured by loving parents. Each family has a right to make their own choice for what's best for their children. You inspire me with your courage and strength!

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  55. Jen

    The comments left in your last entry were not meant to be hurtful. You asked for advice, we gave it....based upon our experience and you were free to reject or accept. We know that you do that! But, please don't jump down our throat with defensiveness.

    But, I have to say that I am a little offended by your insistence that all children get invited or no-one does. My child does not necessarily want to be best buds with all your children, just with one of them. And you do have FOUR separate children, not a set a triplets and a singleton. I will do my best to take into account your family situation, but frankly, it is your job to teach your children how to handle the disappointment involved when life is not quite fair sometimes.

    I'm also a little offended that you could even think that those of who choose a bit more of a social life for our children are a) not keeping them safe or b) pandering to their every whim. (Just paraphrasing because I can't see the original post to get the wording.) We choose to balance the risk of keeping them confined with the risk of somethihng happening to them, and like all risk management strategies, we have risk treatment plans in place. (I know, I'm a nerd!) That is things like having supervised playdates for a while, asking for the unsupervised playdates to start at a public location. Only having short timeframes. Dropping in early to pick them up. Having reciprocal playdates at our house. Having family playdates so that we can get to know the whole family.

    I love the way you parent, and I love your values. But please remember that your readers are the types of people you are asking on playdates and we share the same concerns as you. I may be asking you to my house because I don't know your family and frankly, if I didn't know your Charlie through this blog, I would not be letting my children do an afterschool playdate at your house without you being home.

    Also, please take on board what we say about being left out at school. It is one thing to be left out of playdates etc but it is certainly another thing when that translates to not being included in the playground. It might not be fair, but it is the way of the world. Kids will be friends with those that they know better of have some experiences in common. My kids don't go to every playdate and party, but we do go to enough to give them some outside school experiences in common with the other kids.

    I know you socialise your children well, and I know you guys have involved lives which is fantastic for the kids. Your kids will survive without playdates and they will be okay as you work on this on your own timeframe. But as they get older, they will want to (
    and need to) very gradually start to get their own identities.

    So, please, try and hear what we are saying with love. I certainly don't think you should just leave them with anyone, and I don't think anyone advocated it. What we did advocate (and mostly quite gently) was to start to think about a way to let the childrens' separate identities gradually come to the fore.

    If I could be so bold (and I could be totally wrong), it sometimes sounds like your are concerned that they will lose that bond between them. Jen, please don't sell yourself short, you have done so much to cement that bond that I don't think a team of wild horses could drag your kids apart! And that is a very good thing.

    No matter what, I love your blog and I love what you do. You inspire me to dream big and to live life at full speed. Our gentle disagreement will not change that! Keep up the fight mama bear!! I really wish I could come to the USA and meet you one day.

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  56. Just like last time, I feel like the original post that this sprouted from was about a different subject entirely. When you maybe didn't get the response you expected, you made it about something else.

    Just like last time, there are two issues here:

    1- you don't want your children going to the homes of strangers, because bad things DO, in fact, happen. You're new to the area and you just don't know who to trust.

    2- you have VERY clearly expressed, more than once, that if ONE of your children is invited somewhere, then at LEAST all the triplets must also be invited, if not all four children, or it's going to harm them emotionally, and they must all go together on playdates.

    The original post here felt like it was a lot more about number two than number one. You got a lot of feedback disagreeing with you about number two, so then came the post about number one. I think when you clearly express your safety concerns, it makes really clear sense, and navigating social relationships in a new city (where, again, you don't know a soul), must be very complicated. But that's an entirely separate issue from whether or not your children are allowed to have their own friends. Elizabeth isn't allowed to go on a playdate until Carolyn has a playdate scheduled at the house. William isn't allowed to go to a birthday party, for various reasons, some inarguable valid, but also because the other kids- including his BABY brother, will be jealous. And that is a TOTALLY separate issue!!

    It seems like the feedback you're getting is really clear (though I obviously don't know the comments you don't publish). People agree with you on the safety issues. The majority of people do not agree with you on the necessity of all-inclusiveness for all four of your children as invitations go. Doesn't mean you have to agree with them. Just means it's the advice you're getting.

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  57. I just read through these comments and WOW. I can't imagine going through my whole life assuming that every child my children goes to school with might have parents that are going to molest them if they come over to play. Yikes.

    What you don't seem to get is that the kids you align yourself with and get friendly with in kindergarten form an alliance and it carries through the rest of elementary. The kids I found genuinely suitable and good influences are the ones I invite over. Those bonds are now carrying through to 1st grade. The two boys I routinely invite over for Gregory are the two smartest and most responsible boys (school lunch monitor/ hall monitor/ classroom leader).

    Call me a predator, but I'm aligning my kids with the best kids in school. I'm taking the time to do that, because it is a worthwhile cause. Establishing those friends early will mean my children have close friendships which will help them through the higher grades.

    So, yes, taking an interest in my children's social life now is for their benefit later.

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  58. Who aré these people inviting 2 out Of 3.... Boy and girl... Anyways???? That is sooooo weird!
    I said it before and will say it again: you aré right. They aré a package deal until they aré older.
    This behaviour from other parents frustrares me to no end.
    You aré doing EXACTLY right.

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    (sorry to send the link, I am kind of weird about clicking on unknown links... hope you can trust me ;)I have even linked to my gmail account!
    and I really hope you will enter!

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  60. its good to know you have a broad base that read your blog! You are doing fine raising your kids, if this whole issue is the worst issue you encounter consider yourself lucky! I have said this before, this isn't a make or break thing for them. If they don't go to the playdate or party they will not be scared for life. All of this will get easier, I promise you that. You give them the weapons (stranger talk) the benifit of a few years (no tears or pouting when left out) and letting them go for a few hours will be easier. Its all in a big plan you know, sleep overs, driving, out past curfew and then college. They will be fine and you will survive! All six of you will be fine!

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  61. I am taking a break, during my precious lunch hour, to respond to these comments, especially the one at 9:04.

    Some folks are going off on wild tangents and we need to circle the wagons.

    I'm not looking for people to agree with me. But what I write, is ALL related to the same issue which is the SOCIALIZATION OF CHILDREN and finding my comfort zone.

    1. I am uncomfortable sending ANY of my children to someone's house for a play date without either Charlie or I also in attendance. Why? Because I worry about perverts and guns and A LOT OF OTHER STUFF that I should worry about, because for Pete's sake, these are my children and they are SIX YEARS OLD. We're not going to hover, but we are going to hang out and get comfortable with the parents, with the family, with the environment. We'll be hosting play dates at OUR house, too. Since we feel more comfortable with our kids around us, that's how we've decided we're going to roll on this subject.

    2. I am NOT opposed to ONE of my children having a friendship and participating in a play date without their siblings. Yes, this WAS a concern for me when Carolyn came skipping off the school bus two weeks ago, and Elizabeth cried the whole way home. But what I've since concluded is that when that time comes that Elizabeth goes to a play date without her sister, or vice versa, it would soften the blow, AT LEAST INITIALLY, to invite a friend over to our home for the other SISTER to play with. This does not apply to William, nor Henry, because frankly, they don't care.

    3. If a birthday party invitation came to William, fine. If a birthday party invitation came to Elizabeth, fine. If a birthday party invitation came to Carolyn, fine. If a birthday party invitation came to Henry, fine. Wow, look at all the combinations here. But wait, there's more!! If a birthday party invitation came to all three of the triplets but not Henry, fine. If a birthday party invitation came to William and Henry, fine. If a birthday party invitation came to Carolyn and Elizabeth, fine. HOWEVER, if a birthday party invitation came to William and one sister, but excluded the second sister, there is NO way I'd let the kids go. Why? Because at this stage in their lives, that is cruel. If it's the two sisters going to a party, I can easily tell William, "It's a girl thing." If it's a sister and a brother going to a party but the second sister is left out? How do you explain that? If you disagree with my approach and you think it would be an excellent opportunity for my children to learn that sometimes, they might be left out and the world's not fair and they need to toughen their skin, YIKES. I'd NEVER drop William and one of his sisters off at a birthday party and tell the second sister, "Sorry Honey. Better luck next time. Maybe if you TRIED HARDER you'd have more friends!" That would CRUSH the spirit of my child and cause more harm than good.

    I am not angry.

    I am not defensive.

    I am figuring this all out as I go.

    As such, I am very willing to throw these important topics over the fence for discussion.

    I am extremely appreciative of the wisdom and suggestions.

    I am extremely comfortable in our "new" strategy.

    I am hopeful that whomever is similarly navigating this particular phase of socialization with their child, will benefit from this "discussion."

    I am hungry and must eat.

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  62. Jen, I am in the camp that does not understand the negative reaction to your views on playdates and party invites. It is as though people take offense to the fact that you don't trust STRANGERS (meaning, "us" perhaps?) with your 6 year-old. Like the responder who seemed to take offense that, I'll paraphrase now, "we the readers are the same ones that want you to play with us". You know, because your know your cyber friends SO WELL. I have in the past left my twins, when they were very verbal, with a part-time day care provider who came recommended to me. I totally regret that but not because there was any grave harm done. But because I don't feel it was the most responsible thing to do, and there was one instance that I know of in which she violated my trust (took them in her car w/o my permission). I was devastated to learn this only from my kids after we'd moved away. Granted she took them to Walmart which was like 3 blocks away, but I was livid. Sometimes when parents must work and daycare options are limited,it can feel like hands are tied. But I digress. I have to forgive myself.

    My twins, who are 5 and in pre-k, adore this one sweet little boy so we had him over last Friday. Fine-dad dropped him off and was friendly and appropriate. Kids had a blast. So today he hands me his card w/ his address on it and invites my 2 over tomorrow to play (gasp! and I'm not kidding-gasp is what my head was doing and maybe my face showed it too) "yeah, you know, so Michael can show them his room". This little boy is so sweet and nice and dad "seems fine enough" but there ain't no way in you know what that I will leave my kids at a stranger's house. We wouldn't let them go home w/ someone we just met at god knows where-well ok Walmart-so why would anyone drop their kid off w/ any other stranger at this age? As I stated, I have made this mistake and fortunately, I believe the unauthorized car trip was the worst thing that happened. Do I know for sure? No. And that bugs me to no end. You don't get to know someone, as you know, after a couple of quickie conversations or by seeing their home. Much like a blind date, these playdate things are a venture into the unknown, and anyone who says otherwise is either ignorant or just kidding themselves. It's not like you've said you don't want to get to know them, it's that you don't know them RIGHT NOW. Why is that so hard to understand. Am with you on this one, 100%.

    From someone who has made the stranger mistake, maybe some of the uproar is from those who feel defensive because they see nooo problemo with leaving their kids in the unknown. It's so much "easier" than fearing the worst, or what you and I would call "being protective." How awkward will it be to tell Michael's dad that's a big N-O on the playdate? Pretty awkward. But I'll take that over R-E-G-R-E-T any day of the week.

    You are so on the money with this-don't even give it a 2nd thought. That goes for your rationale of one girl being singled out. At this age...ain't gonna happen. Heck I only invited one kid from our class(on a hush-hush basis) to our b-day party for fear that others in the class would find out and be crushed...what's up with inviting 2 of 3 trips at age 6.

    Lastly, where do people get off telling you you're basically nuts for handling it this way? I think the difference between them and you is your confident enough to stick to your guns...maybe they are a little to worried about their kids having friends. Confident mama=confident kids.

    End of novella.

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  63. Hi again, Jen, I don't know if you got the novella I just wrote (There was a message saying "file too big" then it said at the top saved/awaiting comment moderation). Anyway, it was a very lengthy discussion of how I'm in 100% agreement w/ you on the playdate (a term in which I'm beginning to understand why my sister hates it.

    And I must add, where do the likes of 9:04 get off on their over-the-top insults to your parenting choices? I can only imagine how you must feel about it, I find it completely out of line. "What you don't seem to get"...oh please...you get it just fine girl.
    -Karen

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